Row 1

I went with a couple of people to this place. It was a gathering of people, almost like a very large company having a get together for their employees. I was the one that not all knew. The way this place was set up was there were three rows facing another row. The single one was like businesses, stores of some kind and down towards the end was where I found out the horses were. This was off to the right as we faced it.

In this place I noticed many different styles of clothing on the people. What I mean is like through time. We were in the back row and having a good time with all the people around. It seems like it was a party because I remember people drinking too much but having a good time. I saw people riding horses around. Some raced around and some just riding. Off 90 degrees to the right was a road that I saw people riding on and some were standing and talking. I was walking around talking to people. Drinking a little I was going to find a horse to ride. As I went through the rows it occurred to me that it was set up this way because each row paid a different price. The row closes paid the most money. Also some of these seemed to be up, like on a pedestal.

I wandered off to find the barn which I did without any trouble. There was a grey haired lady in there and for some reason I got Hungarian stuck in my mind when I met her. The horses weren't big fat horses but tall and thin. Anyway so I'm in the barn and tell this lady that i'd like to ride. She smiles and is talking to me but I don't remember anything she said. She walked me to a stall where a pony was, a nice looking pony but a pony none the less. Then she wandered off to another stall and got that one out. This pony was smaller than the first one she showed me. I said I can't ride that pony. It's too small. She said something but I don't know what. I explained to her that I would not ride a pony. I wandered off from here and found myself walking past Arnold Schwartzneggar (sp) He was sitting up on this chair that was like a throne. He was chattering away to people and I walked past him and then turned around and apologized for bothering him. I asked if I could ask him a question. He said sure. So I started asking him something, seem to be about whether he took steroids when he was competing. I have no clue what his answer was because as he started talking to me someone walked by and he just ignored me and talked with them. I was annoyed and thought he was rude. So I wandered off again walking through the rows and back to the one where I was. One of my friends could hardly talk he had drank some much. I remember how slurred his words were. We were all having a good time though.

Why is gender important?

I feel a slight panick inside of me. It's not bad though, it's not anything to do with feeling something is going to happen. It's more important than that.

I don't want to call it a crises of faith because it's not. At least I don't think it is. I'm questioning things though. What's the need of God and Goddess? I feel like there is cause to question this. I know that for others there may not be but guess what? This is about me and no one else. I think maybe this goes back to my posting about Spirit being genderless. See today I was going through some files and came across some stuff that spoke of God/dess and it hit me that it felt wrong. I thought maybe it was just what I was reading that made me feel this way. I continued on in the file and ran across something else. I still had the same feeling. So I sat and thought about it for a moment and it came to me it isn't about what I was reading at all. I'm questioning assigning gender to spirit. How can we? I know I always feel like I need to say he or she but it's because it would be like talking about a person. You wouldn't want to use their name everytime you spoke of them in a conversation. Now however I've been having trouble saying he or she... I'm not sure what to say, how to refer to him/her.

It's interesting how things can change in a split second. Ok, so maybe it's been longer than that but it was only today that it really hit me. As I've said before religion is not something for me but I know I'm a spiritual person. I feel a guilt for not wanting to call on the God and Goddess. I think it's like abandoning an old belief. I don't give up things that I've believed in easily. it's like giving up your favorite blanket. Giving up that comfortable place you've been in.

Unity and Duality

Yesterday my sister called me and asked if I could come sit at the dentist office for a couple of hours while she was having some dental surgery done. I said sure I'd just bring a book to read. This morning I'm getting ready, can't find my keys, start to panic and then settle enough to remember where they were. I get to the office and open my book and this is where this story begins.


Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith

I've had this book for a couple years or more and have just picked it up again to read. Since I've been working on healing the fibroids in my uterus I started working on the second chakra. As I started reading it became clear to me that the chakra system parallels my progressions through all my live as I see it.

You see I believe we start out with a oneness that I am with spirit. Then I search and try to learn and separate some what from spirit. However I'm striving to get back to the oneness that I know is right. The chakra system works the same way. The first chakra is of unity and the second of duality. From there it works it's way back to unity again. That is what I believe I am doing. Though honestly I know that the saying of "I am one with the Universe" is correct and I feel that I am. There is still so much that I have to learn in order to regain that oneness with spirit. The things is this isn't learning as in books but a spiritual learning that I will have to live. Plus I have to learn to trust myself, and what I know to be true.

I've noticed there are a lot of parallels in the world. This is just one that has caught my attention.

Thoughts

A lot of stuff is floating in my mind lately. Things that are bothering me. The feeling that the country is going to hell. That we are going to have another civil war soon. That we will see our own soldiers acting against us. I also feel like we will have those that won't act against us. I feel sad for our country, it's not a party line thing either. I could care less about party lines, they have nothing to do with whose right or wrong.

This morning I was washing some dishes up when something outside caught my eye. I felt like I drifted away for a moment. In that moment all I could feel was nothing will ever be the same and a sadness filled me. The feeling was so deep and such a lonely feeling. A feeling of resignation.

I wish I could access this feelings more to find out if they are true or not. Of course I'd rather it not be true but that doesn't mean it is or will be. It could be a fear of mine. How am I to know what is and what isn't? I know about trusting my instincts but I have to say that I don't want to put the energy out there. What I'm talking about is the energy that says these things are going to happen. We talk about sending energy all the time, but whose to say that believing a civil war is going to happen here isn't sening out energy? Then if you add the other people who believe that, it gets pretty strong. Then lets say other people believe what you tell them and now their energy is added. It sounds like vicsious circle. I don't know maybe I'm thinking on this and there is nothing to it.

With all the talk above you probably think I'm having a bad day. I'm not, not at all. Nice day in fact. Getting the laundry room cleaned up. It has looked like a tornado hit for the past 6 months or so. Yesterday I did one of my book shelves. It looks so much better.

Today I feel nervous and I'm not sure why. There is so much I need to do but I have no desire to do it. To keep cleaning is what i need to do. I think I'll go sit by the pond for awhile.

Pixie's Cabin

Last night I had strange dreams but I woke in the middle of those dreams and had one of those brilliant thoughts. However, since I didn't bother writing it down I don't remember it. It was good though.

The last dream I had was I was visiting, sort of like a road trip. There were several houses all very close together that we were going between. We went into this one house and had fun with the people there and then Pixie said let's go back to my house. So they all left before me. I remember looking out the window at Pixie's house and could see in their windows. Now all of these houses weren't like what we are in now, these were all cabins. I watched them all in Pixie's house having fun. She had christmas lights up and it was so cute. I remember looking out and smiling thinking what a fun loving person Pixie is. Dirk was there too. :-)

Oh well, maybe another day.

Time is on my side

"There is always something happening. People don't always see it or understand it.... or accept it."

Above is a quote from the movie Fallen with Denzel Washington. Denzel's character is a police officer and he has been on a case of a killer who taunted him with clues. He gets the guy and finds out that this guy really isn't a guy but a demon name Azazel who possesses people and commits murders. Anyway that quote has me thinking today.

How much truth is in that statement is amazing. I'm not just talking on a metaphysical level either. We have contact with people everyday that we may not even notice. I think sometimes it's that we don't want to see. There are things that people tell us that we don't want to hear. Maybe not hear so much as accept. These things that we chose not to see, understand or accept can be simple to absolutely shattering to us. That is why we don't. We get in a comfortable place and some people refuse to move from it. Some people refuse to see because they fear where it may lead them. It could lead them away from that familar territory that keeps them safe. It could make them a mark for people who fear change. It could change their whole world.

If we accept that there are other dimensions beside our own you are branded crazy. Well except in some circle of people. What if someone came up to you and said, last night while I was out enjoying the night sky I saw a space ship. Not only that but they came down and made contact with me. How would you react? It's a hard call to say how you would respond. If someone said they saw a ghost you'd probably be able to accept that. What if someone said that God/dess had spoken directly to them, just as if someone had been standing in front of them. Would you think they were nuts?

I've come to realize that though I've felt like I was pretty open to many things I still held/hold onto some old programming. Yep, there is still programming left in my brain that my parents put there. I guess I was lucky in the fact that my parents believed in UFO's, spirits and such but still they had put limits on it for me. The interesting thing is I've believed that there was more out there than my parents spoke of. You know seeing some of the sci fi movies and stuff, there were things that made me go you know I think there is something to this. You know I had a little harder time accepting that there were demon possessions than I had with believing that demon were around? I think it was a part of me that early on associated possession with Christianity and I never believed in Christianity. I remember as a child the few times that I went to church thinking the preacher had it wrong. I would hear an inner voice telling me this and then I'd just go to sleep to avoid hearing anything else he said. Keep in mind I'm not saying that Christianity is wrong but it is not right for me. I feel like there is probably some really cool stuff in the Bible but I'm not sure I want to emerse myself that deep into it. I think the problem comes in where a person tried to put into words something they really couldn't understand. Then along the way people changed things because it was in their best interest. It all has to do with what we put into it. Our thoughts, our belief and our acceptance.

Rain

This dream was very long and involved but this was odd.

It was dark and I was wandering around out between the houses and such. I went into the dark, really no shaped building. By that I mean the building was simply a square shape but the top lines were all rounded. I went into the building and was all excited because someone had told me that this was a rain building. What that meant was that the building had walls that had water running in them like raining running down the glass. So it came on and I stood in the center and smiled when I heard the sound of raining falling on a tin roof. I was enjoying it so much when rain actually started inside the building. I was drenched in just a few seconds. A spun and around with my arms out stretched and laughed. I ran my hands over my head and felt how wet my hair was. I left and then I was doing other things, not sure what. A friend of mine came along and I told her I thought she would enjoy this building so I took her there. The water slowly began to run down the windows as it was first turned on and then the sound of rain falling on the roof. However this time the rain did not fall inside the building. I told her to think how nice it'd be to sit there reading and listening to the sound of the rain. She smiled and seemed to like it but not as much as I did.

If I can remember more of this dream I'll record it.

**************************************

This dream happened Thursday night.

I was traveling with a friend of mine and we were driving on the interstate to some place. She pulled off and said I hope you don't mind but I need to stop for the night. I said sure and she said there was someone we could stay with. We pulled up to an odd building. It was like a gypsy trailer that had permanently placed. It was old, I could feel that. We went inside and were welcomed by the people living there. There were lot of them in this small area. I was left with this man and I knew him, or I should say I had met him several times. He didn't speak to me he just sat there. So I spoke up and mentioned that I had met him several times. He turned his head slowly towards me and said so, then turned away. I was hurt by that because of his attitude. I found out that my friend stopped here to see a man she was interested in.

Stairs, Bridges and Sassy

This dream took place around where my mom and dad lived when I was in high school. Actually from 5th grade through high school.

I was walking around outside just to wander around. I walked south and noticed the cracks in the drive ways of the houses. I crossed a street and noticed an old road bed. This road had holes in it and the people who lived on that road had planted flowers in these holes. So even though it could have be an ugly area they made it pretty. I turned and noticed these new brick stairs going up to the new road. Now this way a good 30 feet above where I was. So I thought well I'll go see what's up there. I stood at the bottom of the stairs and thought someone didn't understand about steps, they aren't suppose to go straight up like that. So I decided I'd go anyway. As I started to climb the stairs were more like a ladder, still they were brick and the same. It's just that I was holding on to the sides like you would a ladder. About half way up I got afraid of the height I was at. I told myself not to look down but of course I did. It scared me so I climbed back down.

On a street back behind my mom and dad's old house was a house that had been turned into something like a bording house. Though apartment was what came to my mind. I went to check on the place and it seemed pretty nice. I was talking to the guys who ran it and they were just strange. They were trying to convince me that the room that I was there to see about was haunted. I was skeptical to say the least and they were trying to show me it was. I caught the guy using a way to make it look like a ghost was there. I rolled my eyes and thought how ridiculous and just started looking around a bit. I then went outside and started back up the street.

I came to a place in the road that was like a covered bridge. The only problem was that it wasn't a bridge but the road dropped about 10 feet. So I jumped down and walked to the other side and climbed back out. I was in a place that was like a like coffee shop or something. There were chairs and tables (all outside) and I never saw the building. I looked around and it was like that was a dead end so I turned around to leave and notice a grey haired man ease into the picture. It was like he was staying just on the edge of my sight. Though I did turn to where I could see him fully. I made note of where he was and noticed that he had come from the side of the bridge, not the same way I had come. I was nervous about him being there so I jumped back down to go through the bridge and when I jumped back up he came around the side really quickly. I knew he'd be there and of course my guard was up because I was concerned with what he was doing. I had a box in my hand, a long box and I put it between us to stop him as he moved towards me. I remember thinking I had to be careful about my footing because of the drop off behind me. The man had no expression on his face so I wasn't sure what he was doing. Before I stirred from this dream I again noted that he had come from around the bridge. An easier way than I had gone.

These paragraphs aren't in order as I'm not sure which order they should be in. I feel like the last one should be first but the first paragraph wanted to be remembered first.

This dream was after I woke Michael up for school and I was snoozing.

I think I was out at a festival ground. I was there with my car, though I never saw the car I was getting things out of it and I remember waking up in it. There were a few other people around setting up also. We were busy doing things and I remember moving things around. I am saying things because I don't know what they were. Anyway, there was a building that had no roof or sides, I just remember seeing the footprint of the building. We were laughing and joking around. I found myself alone more than with the others though. They were off doing something else. I was waiting for something to be delievered. I went to the barn and was looking around. I was thinking on what needed to be changed and fixed. It needed to be cleaned out for one thing. It wasn't that it was dirty it was just out of sorts looking. This horse trailer must have come up because there were the horses I was waiting on. Sassy was there and I rode her for what seemed like a long time. I enjoyed my time riding her and then in a blink of an eye it seemed like it had been 5 minutes instead of an hour or more. I brushed her in the same way. I went back to my car/building and started thinking of fun things to do. I was thinking that I could give the kids rides on Sassy. Then I remembered Sassy was lame and I was trying to figure out how I had ridden her so long if she were. Then I woke.

Lion, buildings and dream

There were two men who I knew but found out that they were sort of criminal types. I was with this other girl and we were in a store. Something like a gas station. We saw these two men come up and they stopped for gas but they seem to be robbing the store yet not. It is confusing now that I think on it. They appeared to be semi bad as far as criminal types go yet they never offered to do anything that seemed criminal. They stood before the counter and the other girl wrote up a receipt and I wrote up the second page of it that had the total on it. I remember the total was $130.00. As I was filling the last page out I signed it and started to hand it to them to be paid and laughed nervously. I said I was going to give you this so you could pay it but.... It seemed like we had written up the receipt to cover their theft. They took off and we weren't going to call the police then this other man came in. He loked like he recognized them or at least one of them. He asked me what the ones names was and I remember being uncomfortable because I didn't want them to get into trouble, so I said I don't know. He said I do it's so and so and he is wanted. He went to this phone and called the police and reported seeing the guys. The other girl and I left the store and were we in some building doing something. I don't remember what but I know we were talking about those two men. Then I remember the police breaking in and she and I hide in the closet. We were sitting under the hanging clothes talking about the story we would tell them. Then I saw them walking by and I turned to look behind me and there was one of them looking under the hanging clothes at us. They asked if we were ok and we said yes. Then we started telling them the story and the whole time I felt bad for not being truthful. I don't know if I told them or was thinking it but I remember saying I've known them since I was a little girl, I don't think they would hurt me.

These things listed below were in the dream but I'm not sure where they fell into it.

The buildings in my dream weren't like any that I've ever been around. These were all tall and thin. The color was whiteish/gray stone buildings. They were all the same and I don't remember seeing any nature (other than the lion tied out), there were no vehicles of any kind. For that fact I don't remembering seeing anything live but the lion.

There was a lion tied to a building and we watched him and he was looking off to our left into an area were these other buildings were. I knew it meant that there was something coming.

Even after my alarm went off as I snoozed it seemed this dream wanted to continue. It was just strange, maybe it was just the feeling. And someone was there with me when I woke.

I just finished watching What the bleep do we know, again. This time I was able to sit and watch it without going oh wow and distracting myself. I had wondered why a lot of pagan types were interested in Quantum Physics but now I understand. They made the connection with how it is applied to what they do. Though I also think that science has just put a lot of big words to things we know. It's about knowing we have the ability to change our reality. That is not to be confused with changing someone else's though.

One person spoke of emotions as addictions. We do things to feed that addicition. Love being an addiction in this case we need to fall in love and have those emotions feeding us. Like she pointed out though, but that same person can fall out of favor the next week. It is a good point. So I have to wonder then why or how did we develope emotions?

One of my favorite things was a Professor of Theology speaking about God. He says that I am one with with the great being that made me and brought me, formed the galaxies, etc. How did that get taken out of religion, it was not hard. Basically it is that they separated God from us. It's just very interesting to hear people speak like this.

Another man says as a child he had many thoughts of what God was but now he realizes that he is not conscious enough to truly know what that concept means. I can understand this so well. I know that some feel they do know what God is and that is good for them. However for me there is nothing simple about explaining my thoughts.

I'll finish this later

Thirty Thousand Pounds of Bananas

July 16th 1981, we lost a wonderful story teller. I think occassionaly we have to be reminded of people like him that were here and shared something so amazing with us.

His music touches me, his stories. You know it's funny growing up I never listened to his music. Then when I got married I was introduced to his music. I know now that we get comfortable in one spot and never step outside of that. This goes for everything in life. That's where I am comfortable, though it's becoming uncomfortable to me.

Today I found some music I haven't listened to in several years. Harry Chapin's Greatest Hits is one of them. I remember one of my favorites to sing was Cats in the Cradle. I sang it to Tom because he was always gone when Matt was little. He was working a lot of part time jobs. I still love the song and it's still a relevant song.

I started out listening to a Willie Nelson cd and one song hit me hard and started me feeling kind of low. I had forgotten how touching some of his music is too. Then I put Harry on. Do you know he was 38 when he was killed in an accident? So much talent and taken so quickly. *smiles* I've oftened wondered where he got his stories from. I love his music.

All my life's a circle
Sunrise and sundown
The moon rolls through the night time, till the daybreak comes around
All my life's a circle
and I can't tell you why
Seasons spinning around again, years keep rolling by.


In closing... Yes there were thirty thousand pounds... of mashed bananas... hehe

Truths

My brain picks the strangest times to let things leak out of it. Here I sit scanning photos of a tractor trailer crash and my mind is working on something.

Earlier I had written to Laurence that I finally realized I couldn't make dad have a good attitude about his cancer. Nor should I be trying to make him. Then while sitting here scanning it came to me... My truth is that Dad can be healed. However Dad's truth is he cannot. We have opposing truths here and of course his will win in this because this is about him.

You see right before he found out he had cancer he decided he was dying. I'll admit that what was going on with his body was bad and it did point to serious problems such as cancer. Then he finds out he has cancer, now his "worse fear" has come true. His truth was he had cancer. As time is going on he thinks the worse. He had to have a colostomy because that was his fear. I found it interesting because they said it was possible that he wouldn't have to have a bag but then his fear was he would. The doctor said I think you won't have to have a bag, Dad didn't believe this. When the doctor did the operation sure enough the tumor was too close to the rectum. Again Dad's fear. Then his fear was it was outside the colon wall, it was and had gotten to one lymph node. Now his fear is it's all over him. His truth is this will kill him because he can see no other way. I love my Dad and I am not ready to lose him. I will however stand beside him and his decisions.

I think when I realized his truth though was when I told him I believed we can heal ourselves. The saddness in his eyes told me then that he did not. I didn't want that answer and think I blocked it out. Maybe it was the thought of how could he not trust in what I said? Now I know it's not about him trusting in what I say, it's his truth not mine. He may accept that it is my belief that we can heal ourselves yet it isn't his. I think one reason that bothers me is because his father was a healer. Pappa Childers could talk fire out of people who had been burned. Still he denies the possibility for himself. It could be that he just doesn't believe we can heal ourselves. Or it could be that he has really forgotten the gift his father had and the magick his mother could work.

Zen

I was just reading a Zen story about a master asking one of his young students to show him the sound one hand clapping makes. Now at first thought you may say this is easy. It's true. What sound does one hand clapping make? *grins*

Reading it I can see that when we are asked a question we immediately try to solve the problem. So can you demonstrate the sound of one hand clapping?

I thought of the student, could it have been that he was afraid that if he told his master that the sound would be silence? Could he have thought that he shouldn't know that answer so quickly? I think he simply went for the more complicated answer. Now I don't know much about Zen but I do know there is simplicity in it. Someone once told me that if you try to understand Zen then you miss what it is.

To me this story shows how difficult we try and make things also. Some times the answers are simple.

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Cerr's weekly discussion has made me think about teachers. I've had only a couple of what I would call teachers. As I've thought about it today I realize that we have many teachers in our lives. Some are there for such a short period of time that you don't realize they were even teachers. Not until you look back. Still I do feel like it's different levels of teaching that is what we notice most. Just like the Zen story I spoke of above the student can make it harder than it is. I should know, I'm one of those students.

WG's Weekly Discussion - A Question of Faith

Have you questioned YOUR faith lately?

*** Yes, I have. However my questions have not been questions so much as realizations. My friend has a favorite saying and that is Be Your Own Light. I've known him for a few years now and it's really only just sunk in how important those 4 words are. I don't need these books or anything other than myself to find what is best for me. It's not that I think these books are useless but they are truly someone elses thoughts. They are the authors truths. Then you have to remember some authors aren't out there to enlighten as much as to make money. So chose carefully what you read.


Does it happen just any time or only when bad things happen?

*** It's really only happened recently. I've had moments before but I'd say those were like going from kindergarden to first grade. Now it's like moving from middle school into high school. It's on such a different level than before. Also I've never thought that when bad things happened that it was the Gods screwing with me. It's just life.


Has someone inspired you to find your own Path spiritually speaking?

*** Oh yes, there have been a few. Each one so far has given me a piece of my puzzle. Well no that's not true, they've given a way to find that piece of puzzle I couldn't find. Right now I have the most important person to date helping me along my path. It's hard to believe that I can do this and I have the answers but really who else would I think would have "my" truths? He is helping me understand that. Sometimes it's uncomfortable but I continue because there is this part of me that needs to know what I am capable of.


What does Divine mean to you?

*** I'm not sure how to explain this really. I'm sorry, I just don't have the capacity to put into words what it means to me.

Scattered Thoughts

I was going to work out in the yard but after about 20 minutes I was getting overheated and decide it best I not push it. My stomach gets upset when I get overheated so to me that's a pretty good indication that I need to listen to my body. I even tried working in the shade but that didn't work either.

Before I went out I was watching Discovery Channel and it's about Ancient Prophesies. So I'm back to watching that. lol I have to say this is amazing. One that I've really enjoyed was a man who was going through the Biblical stories. You know like the walls of Jerico and such? Well they said it's true but it was much older than the times it was suppose to be in. So they are speculating that the people who wrote these stories had taken old folk lore and in this instance added the trumpets. They said the walls did fall down and they fell down a lot because of the earthquakes in the area. They are working on Jerico and said you can see where they fixed the wall after these quakes. I had to laugh because This all happen way before Jesus or Christian times. I wasn't laughing because it shows these stories to be made up but how things they may have been looked on as myth were true. They spoke of a lot of the Old Testiment stories. Each is based in truth from nature flexing her body. They spoke of the Dead Sea and I learned things I didn't know. Which, as you know is a great thing. The tectonic plates around the Dead Sea move opposite. Example on one side of the sea it move, let's just use, noth to south and on the other side it moves south to north. So this area is not geological stable. They pointed out that it's just a salty lake which made me smile and I'm not sure why.

They spoke of the Mayans. Which I've always been drawn to them. They found the bones of ten men, ten women, and ten children who had been murdered. They speculate that these people were not the average folks because they had their teeth carefully filed and they found some that had jewels embedded. They think when nature raised up and was causing trouble they thought they could sacrifice these people to appease the Gods. It didn't work because they died out.

As I've been listening to this I've started thinking on how people have always blamed someone else for problems. We haven't changed in all this time. Though we don't sacrifice people to appease the Gods we still look to blame others for our problems. We blame the Gods for things that happen to us. We blame individuals for what happens to us. When we fear something we look to kill it or something or someone. So it seems we haven't lost that part of us. We've only shifted what we will do.

Is it that we aren't as civilized as we like to think? Or is it really that we are still working toward enlightenment? That we are all on such different levels that we will have this need to fear "things"? Do monks still have anger and fear in their lives? Now I'm talking about the extremely enlightened monks. What about the Dalia Lama? Does he? Oh I have to say that when I see a photo of him I smile. There is something about him that feels so good. How does one get to a level that he and some others are on? I know that he is and has been here time and time again. Does he keep his knowledge from the times before? I want that kind of peace. I want to be able to have it for myself. I scoff at the idea of the idea of having followers. I think about the responsibility that would be. Do these people who have followers feel a sense of responsibility for them? The biggest question to me is do they truly believe what they say. I know there are people out there who spout their enlightenment but they do so for the money. I don't understand that behavoir. I know people have to live but to become rich on something like this seems so wrong.

I've spoken with several people who have said that there should be an energy exchange when you teach, heal or where ever you do for another. Of course there are people who would insist on money for everthing. Again if you have no money and this is how you make you money I'd be a little worried. Not because money is bad but I worry that money will lead some people into just not being real anymore. Do these people who write these self help books ever become not real? It's possible and probable. What about people who channel How do they know they are really channeling enlightened beings? I mean I do believe there is more ability in us but how do we the "average" folks get to it? Practice? Meditation? As my very good friend say Peace be the mind.

I've been thinking about healing a lot lately. Now I really do believe we can heal ourselves but what about others? Even if we have their permission couldn't they work against us? Today I've been thinking about cause this lady was asking for candles to be lit for her son who had head trauma when he was an infant. She said it's cause learning difficulties. So she is going to do some work to try and repair the damage. I started thinking on this and it sounds like she is going along the lines of what I am doing for my fibroids. Basically she is rebuilding and I am cutting off the blood supply. Then I'm replacing with healthy tissue. I do wish that more people would believe in this. People offer up prayers for people to be healed and they know it works yet still people don't see they could do this for themselves.

I'm tired and distracted and my thoughts are scattered.

Mr Sandman, bring me some dreams

Last night I had diificulty staying asleep. I would wake up and it was as if I was working on something. I felt like I was busy when I work up and I was having a break for a moment. Then back to sleep only to repeat this process.

When I finally did sleep my dreams came and were so busy and like day to day life. This dream seem to take place on the family farm. It was my family's farm, though in real life we don't have one. There were people there that were family members who I really don't know. There seemed like this boy was visiting and then his team mates. I don't know what sport but I got the impression they were team mates. One of the boys came there to see my sister or maybe she was a cousin. No I think she was a cousin. It doesn't feel like a sister relationship. She was showing him around. I remember she was like a city girl. Meaning she wasn't impressed with farm life. She was more impressed with material things. She was with him when one of his friends showed up. I said I'd take him to where they were because she was showing his friend around. He was cute and I felt I had an interest in him. Things were strange and the other guys showed up.


I found myself in a mall searching for something. I can't remember what it was that I was there to buy. I remember there being a bunch of young girls getting ready for the prom though. I walked into this one store and these girls that worked there were all getting ready as were other girls. I know that I was older than they were but I was watching them and smiling. This seemed like a ritzy store. I remember there being a lot of the color gold and sprakling stuff. I knew there was something in that store that was suppose to get. The woman running the store was very sweet. We talk and somehow it was like we both knew each other as witches.

*****************************

I continued through this mall and came to the airport. Walking around it wasn't apparent that it was an airport but people who were traveling were waiting there for there flight. This was a clean place and didn't have the smell of an airport. It was clean smelling. I was looking at these signs that were simply pictures of things. I don't remember what those were but the colors again were gold and sprakly. There was a group of 6 people sitting at this one place. One woman and five men. Though they seemed to be all grown I had the feeling they were her children. One of the men spoke to me, he said you are pretty. Inoticed he had a very strong accent and I smiled and said thank you. The woman said something I didn't understand and the other spoke the same way. Then one of the others said something along the lines of the first one. I realized their accent was German. I put my hand on the oldest man's shoulder and said thank you. Then that scene was gone.

Today won't be such deep thoughts. Well, not right now anyway.

It's a beautiful day so far. I don't mean that to sound as I'm waiting for something to be wrong cause I'm not. It's just we are suppose to have more storms today. The heat and humidity have been incredibly high this week. Having hot flashes on top of that don't help either. lol I was out feeding the fish a little earlier and they of course were starving. It's amazing how no matter how often they are fed they are still hungry. Now mind you they don't have stomachs which may be one reason. They were swirling the water today. When people come over who have never been here before see the fish they are always shocked at their size. I guess I've gotten use to them. They are large, I do know that but I forget about it. I have all different sizes in the pond though. An interesting note about the fish. When you get them out of the water they look so much bigger. lol Some of the babies are just shy of being keepers, if you were fishing. *grins* I really need to regain control over the pond. I haven't cleaned the filters in a while. I need to weed around the pond. The whole place really. I've got baby trees I need to cut down. They insist on growing where I've told them they can't. There are only a few places that I won't let them stay. Of course those are the places they try and grow.

Lobo's time grows short. Just when I've come to the conclusion though it's time, he starts doing better. It hard because it's like putting someone who is crippled down. I know all the arguments for doing it and I agree it is the best thing. It's just hard.

I'm still working on my problem of worrying. I've done it for so long it's taking time to get my subconscious to go along with the program.

Today I just don't feel like being here. By that I mean other places I'd rather be. I'd rather be doing other things than being in the office. It's not that I don't have anything to do, it's that I don't want to do it. I have photos to scan which won't take long and then what's left is cleaning up the office. I should just do it and quit complaining about it.

Last night was the third night in a row that I slept through the night. Believe me that doesn't happen often. I snuggled my pillow almost all night.

Dad is depressed again because of the latest findings. I just wish there were a way to help him. On and up not my mom's blood is doing great. She is on a medicine called Cumidine (sp). It's a blood thinner and she goes every week to have her finger pricked so they can check to see how thin the blood is. They told her it was perfect and to keep doing whatever it was she was doing. She said she was eating something green every other day. The doctors had said not to because that makes the blood thicker. Well, great, so she has the balance now. :-)

Well, Gay has successfully spoiled her new pup. She has done everything the guy said not to do. Gay is having a great time with Misaki. I'm not sure of the spelling right now. So I'm happy for Gay.

That's it for now.

Pondering, Opinions and Trappings

There have been several conversations lately that have lead me to think deeper on my spirituality. Mine is not a religion for I find religion makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it's the rigidity of it. To say you follow a religion means you adhere to specific steps of that belief system. You may have a background in a specific religion that you've brought forward on your search for path. You may even incorporate it into your new path such as a desire for ritual. I know some people will say they are ritual junkies. They enjoy ritual and will do ritual for that fix, as it were. For me it's not needed and that's probably because I wasn't raised in a religious family therefore I have no deep need for it. By deep need I am not saying that you feel you have to but it's like you almost feel it's necessary.

My need isn't to be seen by spirit but to have an open connection with spirit. My doing ritual doesn't ensure that the connection is any stronger. It's the intention in your heart. Doing all the ritual work doesn't mean that you even understand what it is that you are doing. It doesn't mean that in your heart you are striving to become one with spirit. We know from life that just because someone claims to be spiritual it doesn't mean that they aren't above doing illegal things, to molesting children, or even using their position to make money off the backs of others. These isn't to say that religion is not a good thing. Religion is just not for me.

I believe that there is a oneness that isn't assigned a gender. Somehow I feel like gender has nothing to do with it. I do feel like this oneness comes to us in a way that we can accept. There are things that I'm not ready to accept yet but that doesn't mean that I'm not trying. It simply means that I don't have the understanding yet. I think even bringing up gender makes things more difficult to understand. Yes, I do have a lot of confusion in my mind on this. I was raised to believe in God, though I always felt there was more than simply God. That's a tough feeling to explain though. It could be that I think we put limitations on God, not that we intend on it but our understanding isn't broad enough. We are limited in our thinking, again not because we aren't growing. We are however, not all knowing and if we haven't had experience or feel something is true then we say it isn't. How do we know it isn't?

Does this mean I believe everything I hear simply cause I have no proof one way or the other? No it doesn't. What it means is that I am not closing off to possibilities. That voice inside me may say I don't believe this or simply say I'm not real sure. I listen to that voice. Yes the voice may change some time to say the opposite of what it said at first but I think this is because we aren't ready for that at that particular time in our growth.

Yes this sounds wishy washy but I'm trying to make sense of this life as best I can.

I am one with the universe. Why? Because I truly feel and have always felt we are all connected. Do I have proof? Not in the way we normally think of proof. I mean how do we prove we are really here? How do we prove that there are other dimensions? I've had people tell me yes we are all connected but I've had a couple say the opposite. As I was asked, while I was questioning other things, will this affect your enlightenment? No it won't but for me it's just getting that yes someone else agrees. I don't mean that in a, oh I can believe it cause someone else does idea. When other people that I respect for their knowledge and such tells me it's true then I have that boost to believe in myself.

I believe things happen as they should, yet I believe we can change things. That sounds very contradictory I know. However, if we stand out in the road long enough we are going to get run over by a car. If we walk out into that same street aware of what is around us we can move if we don't want to get run over. It's the "me" that I can change. I can't change another and really shouldn't feel the need to but again it's our conditioning. I guess it's that I believe we have some leeway in our lives. We choose which way to go for which lessons we need to learn.

I believe we can heal ourselves. I also know that this takes a lot of belief and trust in yourself. Why some people can't be healed and other can I could only guess at that answer. Is it that it's their destiny? Or is it that they believe deep down they can't be healed? Could it even be they feel they don't deserve to be healed? I'm not saying that herbs and such don't work either. If however we believe that they will not then we block the healing.

We can change our lives for the better. We have to believe we can before it will happen. When someone complains that they did a spells for (insert desire) and it didn't work, who do you think they should blame? Themselves, because the spell isn't even necessary to accomplish these things. I think a spell is really a visual for your mind to grasp.

I keep having this voice inside my head say, "I don't know what I believe anymore". Is this because there is a shift in my beliefs that are causing me confusion? I say probably.

I believe we should follow the path that helps us get the enlightenment we are searching for. That may be many paths or it may be one. For some they may never find what they are looking for but I hope they do.

Today

I called to talk with mom and she was kind of quick and then she finally told me she had a doctors appointment. She has to go in and have her finger pricked every so often so they can check to see if her blood is too thin or thick. She is on a blood thinner and some times it gets too thin. So she said dad wants to talk with you.

Now she didn't warn me but he was all worked up about the government. Yeah, he gets really worked up. So we talked about the failings of the government. Then we went on to talk about other things. We finally got around to talk about his health. He started telling me how he was just tired of them doing stuff to him. He spoke of this particular chemo and I had been reading on it. It's just some really bad shit and I told him. I also told him that I didn't want him to leave yet but I also didn't want him having a poor quality of life. I would back what ever decision he made, if he wants to take it then I'm there if not I'm there. He thanked me for that. He went on to talk about how he wasn't going to be able to get Mom out of debt before he goes. It's not very much and easily to take care of but he is scared. So I promised him that we would take care of mom not to worry.

Now Gay told me that Dad was told he had cancer in his fat cells? I've not heard of this but then again I don't know a lot about cancer. When they operated on him they also removed a lymph node that had some cancer on it. I just don't know, I hate that he is going through this and I wish I could help him develop a positive attitude. I know that as it is now he want survive this because he believes he want. I just want him to enjoy what he has left of life, however long it may be.

Ground Hog Day

I know it's not really time but I'm speaking of the movie.

Last night when I went to bed I had hopes of, well sleep. It didn't happen. Almost all night I dreamed the same thing over and over again.

There was this house that we (not sure how many we's there were. Though it seemed like only two others) held captive in. There was no way out and a lot of the control was through fear. For a bit in the dream I never saw the man but I knew he was there and it was like we were hiding from him. We knew that eventually he would find us and kill us. That's just what was going to happen. He would talk to us but it was him telling us how useless it was to run from him. He did catch us in the end, one by one. Then the dream would start over. Somewhere along in this process I decided to used the beginning as a new chance of escape. This went on and on, each time learning a little something new. I would wake up after every segment of the dream. When I went back to sleep I'd be right back where I started from. I kept reminding myself that I could make things happen but it was like that wasn't the point of this dream. I knew I could make a gun appear and shoot this guy but this dream was about working something out. So I went with it each and every time. When this dream finally stopped I had been caught again. The man told me that I knew he'd catch me and I might as well stop fighting it. I was on the ground, on my back as he walked up to me with this really huge hammer. The handle was long like that of a axe, maybe a little longer. The head of it was similar to a (I think they call it something like a ball ping hammer?) It had no claws like most hammers do and the head was large also. As he stood over me he said I'm going to take this hammer and hit you right there and pointed between my eyes. Then he said something like so you might as well accept it and I did. I lay there still and closed my eyes. When I did this I thought to myself it's ok, because I get to start over again. Then every thing went black and it was over.

Then I started with another dream. In this dream I was at a high school. It didn't seem like this was my school but like I was visiting. I remember finding a place to park my car and making note of exactly where it was so when I came out I wouldn't have to search for it. This was a huge parking lot and it went all the way around the building. I was in the lobby and told to go down to this other level to pick something up. I ran into kids on the way and we did a normal chit chat kind of thing. I went to the classroom and got what I needed and was headed back out. Now this was a lot bigger place than I thought. They had stairs and elevators that the students could ride in if they didn't want to take the stairs. I started to walk the stairs and then realized I didn't know where I was. So I got on the elevator with some others and they asked what level. I said I didn't know and told them where I came in at. This girl said oh you want this level. I thanked her and when the doors opened I was the only one in the elevator and I was NOT where I was suppose to be. It was the wrong side of the building. I grumbled and walked outside to see where I was in relation to my car. I looked around and the parking lot had thinned out and I spotted my car wayyyyyyyy off. So I started walking that way and found myself talking to this mother, daughter and one of the daughter's friends. They were complaining about this teacher that worked there. I listened and walked with them. As I walked they pointed out the teacher to me. I saw that is was an old friend Tommy Martin. Tommy had sold Sassy to me way back and I' had known him for a long time after that. The women got to their car and stopped and I walked on. I walked up and talked with Tommy and he said and you are? I laughed and said maybe Sassy will ring a bell. This huge smile came on his face and he laughed and hugged me. I was thinking those women were probably upset because I was friends with Tommy. So he and I put our arms around each other and walked and talked. We had fun reconnecting. He turned to go to his car and I to mine. I heard him get on the phone and say. Start looking for a dun, buckskin, roan, then his voice faded. I was thinking Sassy was never those colors. I got to my car which somehow had managed to become a car. These boys were around it talking and stuff. So I was preparing to leave. Yeah just like in a boat. lol This one boy started telling me about something on my boat. So he picked it up and looked inside and said oh they haven't done that to it. Don't let them because it takes a lot of the power away. I said ok and that I hadn't intended on letting anyone do anything to my boat. When I cranked it up it was just like being on a lake and moving. There was more water coming out from behind the boat than when you are just at an idle. I took off around the school and woke up.

Today I feel as if I ran several marathons. I'm actually so tired that I can't sleep. I need something to give me energy to make it through the day, however I do plan on napping as often as I can today.

I know I've been pretty quiet of late and it's not a reflection on anyone but myself. A lot of things have been going most of which I've written about here. There have been a lot of things I've been thinking about and I don't know if I've gotten anywhere or not. I have all these questions but as someone pointed out to me the answers aren't going to affect my enlightenment. Just simply it's my curiousity, which isn't bad but it does distract me from other things.

Life is good though of course there are worries that I've had lately. It's that I know that these things I have no power over. Whatever dad decides it what will be best for him. I just want to support him and no I don't want to lose him but his happiness is more important to me. So I've kind of decided that's where that stands. I don't know what he will decide but I hope his decsion is what he wants. Mom is doing pretty good though she is getting a little annoyed cause dad is ordering her around. We, Gay, Guy and myself, are trying to get them to move back down this way so we can help them out more often. Dad keeps saying mom needs help but doesn't seem to think about his need to move an hour away as something that causes a problem with us helping them often. Yesterday he asked me if I was coming to see him. He meant that day. I told him no I had too much to do in the office. It's an all day trip to go to their house. Two hours of that is drive time.

Then I have my sweet Lobo, that I'm going to have to put to sleep. It's such a hard decision but I do know it's that only one I have. His hips aren't worse than they were a couple of weeks ago but I know they won't get better. He has been such a great friend.

Lasts night my dream was just odd.

Myriam had died. I'm not sure who or what she represented though. I had seen her days before and we had talked and then I find out she died. There was a viewing of her body like old time. It was laying in a room and people were all about talking and paying their respects. Then it seems a few days had past and for some reason she wasn't buried. I remember being very surprised when I walked into a spare bedroom and there was her body lying there. At this point she was curled up in a fetal position. I was looking at her and noticed there was a lot of lividity in her face. I didn't know what to say to the people about her body still being there.

Life moves on and I'm out in areas where there is a lot of green space. I remember the pastures and animals. Then I went back to the house where Myriam had been. I needed to get something out of the bedroom and I went in there and her body was still there. Now however her body was laying flat on her back and covered up completely sort of like a mummy. Some how I fell on the body and was trying to get away from it and one of the people saw me fall. They told me I had to apologize to Myriam, which I had already kind of done. They were saying how it was really important to do. So I did even more. As I did Myriam was standing behind me. It was like she had picked up where she left off. She was no longer dead.

I'll write more on this when I remember it.

Puppy! and spiders

Saturday Gay called me and asked me if I wanted to go to Burlington, NC to look at a puppy with her. I really didn't but I said yes because she needed someone to go with her and I wanted to be there for her.

It took some doing but finally got her to say when we were going to leave on Sunday morning. She said I was thinking 9:00 and I told Lance (the man with the puppy) that we'd be there around lunch time. So I told her that it was going to take longer than that and told her how it hasn't taken me to get up to that area. So she said maybe we should leave at 7:00. We agreed and that was settled.

So I get up early and get ready and get to her house at 7:00. You guessed she wasn't ready. lol She didn't tell me but Mitzi had agreed to go to. So Mitzi was late too. We left Gay's house at around 8:20. Then we hit the rain. Yep, lots of rain. We stayed in it over half the way there. So we pulled up to Lance's house about 1:30.

He took us inside and there under the living room table was a ball of fluff. He started talking to her and she looked up and her little tongue was sticking out just like DJ. She is so adorable. Of course Gay bought her and we brought her home. It took only 3 times for her to know that when we stopped the car that she got to get out and potty and play. lol So it got interesting when we got to a section of red lights. She kept getting up and wanting out of the car. When I get a photo of her I'll post it. Gay is thrilled though and Dale likes her too.

I got home about 12:15 am. It was a long day.

This morning I've called to check on my fur niece and Gay said she did great last night. She (the puppy) already let's you know when she wants to go out. She will only go potty in the grass, which was a big thing because DJ was allergic to grass so he would potty on the driveway and made Dale mad. So Gay was telling me that the puppy has two favorite toys already. One is Thing (you know from Dr. Suess's Cat in the Hat movie?) and a mouse. Both of these were DJ's toys. Thing was one of DJ's favorites.

So I'm a tired girl today.

Last night when I got home I talked with Michael for a while and just couldn't even think of looking at my emails. I crawled in bed about 12:30 and fell asleep. First thing that happened was this huge spider got in bed with me. So I hurled my body out of bed and turned on the lights to only find that I just woke up. I checked the bed anyway. I mumbled went to the bathroom and got back in bed. Not long after that the damn spider was on my pillow. I again jumped out of bed to find myself waking up. Now I'm getting rather annoyed by this whole thing. I finally get back to sleep only to get another visit from that damn spider. I third time of hurling myself out of bed I was not happy. Each time I realized I was sleeping but my body was going to get out of that bed anyway. Each time this happened when I got back in bed I felt sick, like I hadn't eaten. So the third time I said fine and stumbled to the kitchen and grabbed a couple of pieces of bread and went back to bed. That seem to settle my stomach. As I was getting back in bed I thought you know, I'm going to do an astral bug bomb because I'm tired of this damned spider. Then it hit me it could simply have a message for me. So I decided against the astral bug bomb. I had trouble going to sleep so I looked at the clock. 3:39 am. I swear I felt like this had been going on all night. So I was pissed about that too! At some point I moved my foot and I touched something under the cover. I thought screw it. Finally sleep. Then I wake up at 7:01. I didn't sleep worth a crap and am worn out from jumping in and out of the bed because of that spider. lol OH! Funny... I have a carnelian stone that is under my pillow. The last time I crawled in bed that rock crawled out from under my pillow and quickly dashed under me as I started to lay down. Yes, I jumped out of bed again.

A while back I mentioned my body feeling all weird tingly for several nights, that's how I felt last night too. When this happened before I had trouble sleeping. I need to find where I talked about this and see what happened afterwards.

Take each mistake and release it, watch it fly away

Friday, August 5, 2005
Quado Daily Portion
“Take each mistake and release it, watch it fly away.”

Cup your hands together, hold them out in front of you, and place within them a mistake you have made. Now, pay attention to what your mind is saying. It says that life would be better now if you had not made this mistake. It brings forth
a whole host of fantasies, how this or that would be better if only, if only you had done this, if only you hadn’t done that, if only you had followed through, if only you had made a different choice.

None of this is real. This is mental chatter and fantasy about what might have been. It is not real. The only thing real is right now, right here.

So quiet your mind and release each mistake, each and every one. Take your mistake into your hands, notice the fantasy talk which accompanies it and choose to let it go, like a bird you are releasing so that it may fly away home. Just release
it and watch it fly away. And away with this so-called mistake, release the old hopes and dreams, the disappointments, the
blame and the shame. Let it all fly away.

You are as you are right now, and everything you have done has led you to this moment. And here, standing just where you are, exactly as things are, you are surrounded by opportunity. It is sparkling all around you, waiting to be noticed, obscured only by your tenacious hold on the past. Release yourself from all that shame and just look around. See this moment clearly. See how it sparkles with newness and opportunity.

You are standing on an open field of grass and it is full of diamonds sparkling in the sun. Each diamond is a choice you might make, an action you might take, a wondrous opportunity to be and grow and learn, a chance to embrace life in its
wonder and beauty.

Let go the old and embrace this moment. Let it sparkle. Reach down and pick up a diamond, right now.

Here is a little prayer for today.

Today, a new day is dawning bright and clear. I am cleansed and purified in the morning air and I see life clearly.

I love and accept myself exactly as I am. I love and accept my life in all its wonder. I embrace life just as it is, right now, this moment.

This moment is real to me and crystal clear. I am full of power. I am deeply connected within now. This moment opens to me and reveals her beauties and wonders, sparkling with opportunity all around me.

I give thanks for this bounty and know that I am standing just where I need to stand for the next step on my journey.

All is well, exactly as it is. I am whole and complete. I am powerful and centered. I am.

* * *

If you missed any Quado messages from the last week, you will find them on www.Quado.com . You will also find there powerful meditations and a Quado Healing Crystal, which will help you feel the connection to Quado and these words.

I wish that you may connect deeply with each moment today.

Love & peace,
Carrie

www.Quado.com
carriehart@msn.com

* * *

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Police, Coppers, whatever

I was hanging out with this girl and I don't remember how we met. It felt like we hadn't known each other long though. Everything was normal. Sort of day to day stuff but in a holiday kind of way. At some point things got a little weird. I went to get her and she was on her horse in some kind of shop. Her horse was black and white. She was riding it up and down the aisle. I remember it's tack was black. The street was really busy, like something was happening. I went back to my friend and opened the door a bit and her horse was trying to come out the door. She said she wasn't ready for him to go out yet. I said ok, I just didn't want to slam his head in the door. I thought it was odd that the horses markings had changed. None of it was the same. This time he was more black, he looked sweaty and ready to go. I shut the door and there was this older woman I spoke to. She went into her flat and then came back out saying someone had been in her flat. She had something in her hands but I don't remember what that was. We were looking at it and I looked up at the door to her flat and saw someone in there. I said someone is still in there. So the woman started that way. I tried to get her to wait for the police but she wouldn't. I started trying to get the police attention but I was more worried about her. I know something happened to her, like she had been killed, but I never saw it. I was getting more upset cause I couldn't get the police attention. Finally one of the of people said we call them coppers... I said fine. So I was doing what I could to get their attention. One came towards me and then started running in the right direction but he went in the wrong door. Then my friend walked out of that woman's flat. I knew then she was the person I had seen in there and she was the one who killed the woman. There was someone standing next to me and I asked them to whistle for the police. When they would turn and look I'd start waving frantictly trying to get them to come over. Several did but they went right past me like there was something catching their attention. The friend was smug when she realized I knew what she had done. She had said something about it but then left.

I woke up frustrated that I never got a police officer over to look in on that woman. lol

Ugh

Last night I remember following Tom around. We had gone somewhere and this seemed like it was related to work. He walked off and left me and I called out to him not to because I didn't know where I was. I looked up and saw a sign that said Grant Park. (Note: Grant Park was where my mother was raised.) I felt the familarity of it but still knew that I didn't know where I was. I found Tom again but this time he was at a distance. He was playing a game with someone, sort of like table tennis or something. I heard his phone ring and he threw it to me to answer. I didn't catch the phone because it bounced a little in front of me. He made some comments as I bent to pick it up. I couldn't figure out how to answer it and then I didn't know how to tell who had called. I walked over to Tom so he could. All I could see on the screen was information like names and addresses but I couldn't see them clearly. He took the phone and made some comment about me not being able to do something, and then the scene changed. We were walking down the streets of this place and I was behind him. This scene was so strange because some times it was like walking through a house and others in the streets.

The next thing I remember clearly was being in bed sleeping. I heard this strange buzzing noise, sort of like a vaccum cleaner. Then I caught a glimpse of a man in the door way to my bedroom. My eyes were closed so I opened them slightly and it was Tom. He had this backpack on that had some kind of bug spray in it. I watched as he walked through the room spraying along the baseboards. He went into the bathroom and when he came back out he started to spray around the bed. He looked to see if anyone was looking and brought the sprayer up and sprayed along until he got to my head and then he started to spray this stuff on my head. I'm not sure what it was but it was really more like a gel. He sprayed it across my temples and third eye and then to the other side of my head. Some of it was running down into my eye and was stinging. I woke up and I still heard that odd noise. I still am not sure what it is as I couldn't find it. My eye was stinging also.

Last night my dream was odd. It was like I lived in a home with some other kids but I was adopted or something. I remember the bedroom had three beds in it and it was like something out of the 50's as far as the family unit. There was a boy and a girl in the room with me. Now it was just an odd dream. I remember at some being at a place that was like a mall, yet it was a university. There were some bad things going on but nothing terrible... For some reason there was something red that stood out. I don't know what it was but it was important. Sort of like a prize or something.

It was just an odd dream.

Ok, they did and angioplasty on my dad last week and the results came back today. He has 2 arteries that are 80% blocked. Of course they said they could put stints in to help. Dad said he is tired of being poked and prodded. He also said he didn't think he could take anymore and then he said well I could but I'm not going to. lol I had to laugh at that because that is so him.

My mom is rather stressed. Dad seems to be back to his demanding self. This morning after he took his shower he got annoying while I was talking with mom. She said he had his shower and was being demanding. I laughed and said oh he had a shower and you can't do anything with him? She said yeah. We hung up and she told him she had been talking to the doctor and it was ridiculous that he came up flapping his lips while she was on the phone that it made him look ignorant. He said are you calling me ignorant? She said yes. lol Got to love it when I Saggie gets tired of the Virgo pushing her around.

My sister and her husband had to take DJ to the crematorium today. She hasn't been home all day. She said that it was different now because she always had DJ home to greet her when she got there. She wants me to go with her to pick him up on Wednesday. Of course I'll go. She wants Matt and I to secretly search for her another pekinese. She wants one right away... it's going to be a big mistake. She did the same thing when Chopper died and she never really bonded with then two she got. I personally don't think DJ is ready to come back yet. I think she has some growing to do that she will not be able to do with him around.

Me well, I'm ok. I have to say I'm tired of drama though. lol