Confusion and such
I sit at this time in my life wondering. Those deep thoughts that can keep you awake at night. In my case they don’t. I’m just hanging in mid-air and wondering when I’ll fall. Yes, that’s a terrible way to think, I know that. It’s not good to put out that kind of energy either.
I think what bothers me most is that I can’t just believe in myself. There is and really hasn’t been any belief in myself, ever. Ok, that’s not completely true. I do have moments.
Then I think that I really have nothing to complain about. Nothing at all… Well the things I do have to complain about I won’t.
Part of the annoyance is I use to not be so indecisive. Of course then my decisions weren’t life changing either. Or they didn’t seem to be. The one time I skipped school this stupid girl I was with came within a foot of wrapping her car around a pine tree on my side nonetheless. That could have been life altering.
My moods are swinging wildly right now. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster with a blind fold on. You can’t see what’s coming. All you can do is go along for the ride. It’s not something I can enjoy either. I finally got my tree decorated but truthfully I haven’t felt the joy in about 5 years. It’s worse since the divorce but it’s always been a favorite time of year for me and I’m losing that even faster. Partly because I am not sure where I’m going. So I’m unsure and that is my frustration.
Plus I feel like I’m suppose to do something. Of course that something I haven’t found yet but I am hoping it comes to me soon. Oh and that I know what I’m being told instead of sitting there thinking it could be different than what I was told.
I’d love to throw dishes or something like that right now. Not that it will solve the problems that I feel like are there but I could relieve some frustration.
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in the future and I just don’t know. It’s strange when I think about what I want but I just don’t know. When I move I have to decide where I’m going. As far as areas. I sometimes feel trapped because I worry about what to do about Michael. I know I can’t live my life around Michael but I do have to think about him. Yeah you can tell from that statement that I’m extremely confused as to what to do.
Oh well, at some point I’ll know.
I think what bothers me most is that I can’t just believe in myself. There is and really hasn’t been any belief in myself, ever. Ok, that’s not completely true. I do have moments.
Then I think that I really have nothing to complain about. Nothing at all… Well the things I do have to complain about I won’t.
Part of the annoyance is I use to not be so indecisive. Of course then my decisions weren’t life changing either. Or they didn’t seem to be. The one time I skipped school this stupid girl I was with came within a foot of wrapping her car around a pine tree on my side nonetheless. That could have been life altering.
My moods are swinging wildly right now. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster with a blind fold on. You can’t see what’s coming. All you can do is go along for the ride. It’s not something I can enjoy either. I finally got my tree decorated but truthfully I haven’t felt the joy in about 5 years. It’s worse since the divorce but it’s always been a favorite time of year for me and I’m losing that even faster. Partly because I am not sure where I’m going. So I’m unsure and that is my frustration.
Plus I feel like I’m suppose to do something. Of course that something I haven’t found yet but I am hoping it comes to me soon. Oh and that I know what I’m being told instead of sitting there thinking it could be different than what I was told.
I’d love to throw dishes or something like that right now. Not that it will solve the problems that I feel like are there but I could relieve some frustration.
I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in the future and I just don’t know. It’s strange when I think about what I want but I just don’t know. When I move I have to decide where I’m going. As far as areas. I sometimes feel trapped because I worry about what to do about Michael. I know I can’t live my life around Michael but I do have to think about him. Yeah you can tell from that statement that I’m extremely confused as to what to do.
Oh well, at some point I’ll know.
