I give up

I give up. I just give up.

See all I wanted to do was get out of the house. Go somewhere even for a few minutes. So I went to the house (from the office which is over the garage)to change clothes. I walked in to find that my nephews dog, who Matt my oldest son is baby sitting for, pooped in his cage. The house stunk. The poor dog was terrified which tells me they must spank him. I felt really bad for the dog and didn't fuss at him. I drag the huge dog cage out of the house so I can hose it down. That takes a while. The dog is looking guilty and scared. So I take time with the dog to calm him down. Got the cage cleaned and luckily have another large crate for the dog to be in. I go change clothes, two of my cats are terrified of the dog and won't come out of my room. They are chattering 90 mph at me about it. I get ready to go and wham! My car battery.

It's not bad enough that dad's cancer has spread. No I have to get hit with my freakin car battery dying. The stupid charger went tits up. The Expedition's freakin transmission is out plus it's dead also.

Then my mom called and I tried not to cry or at least to stop crying. I failed and she said what's wrong so I went through the car and dog thing with her. I told her I was just so frustrated. She then told me that when she was pregnant with my sister that she had a doctors appointment and her car wouldn't crank. She called her dad who was a mechanic and he was on his way to help her. She was so upset not to mention hormonal that she picked up and hammer to beat the car with. She said she drew back and heard her dad say Reita Ellen don't you hit that car. lol She said he pittled with it for a little and it cranked up. He told her to come by the garage and he'd replace the battery. You know the difference between me and my mom? I was thinking of getting my 45 and putting a few rounds into my car. Yes I'm hormonal, yes I'm dealing with what's going on with dad and yes at this second it's too much for me to handle.

I just can't deal with anymore right now.

Something I just found

The Nightmare
by Stevie Nicks

Lyrics

Thrown down through the arms of sleep
She fell through the ivory morning
Deep into the waters
Of the one she called love
She paled in the wake
Of what some call a dream
But, you cannot know a dream
Till you've known the nightmare


When I stood with you against the storm
And I tried once again
Well, I said, "I'd like to leave you
With something warm"
How many times
Drowning in the sea
Drowning
That was when the dream took her prisoner
And she knew the dream was over
But, the nightmare was not over
Still some call that a dream
The nightmare...the nightmare


Well, you cannot know a dream
When you turn away
You don't know
You'll never care
The night is not your friend
And you have not had her
And when the nightmare ends
But, you never understand
When you're gone
She wakes up calling out
Oh, calling out
As children may cry as she will


Anytime...oh, anywhere
Blinded by the light of the day
She has known the nightmare


So about the moon and her sisters
How dare he take them prisoner
Well, if she had flung out her heart against him
Then in all of her wisdom
Oh, well that was a mystery


That was when the dream took her prisoner
And she knew the dream was over
But the nightmare was not over
Somewhere in her ancient ways
She walks through the night
And then she tries to get through the day
Some will never know
Or share any kind of dream


The nightmare
This is not the world
This is not the world
This is not the world
The nightmare
She wants him to fight...anytime, anywhere
She wants him to stand up
She wants him to win
This is not the world
This is not the world
This is not the real world
Blinded by the light of the day
Blinded by the light
She was blinded by the light of the day
Blinded by the day

Dad

So to catch up here.

My dad has a mass on his liver. He asked the doctor if he had a year and the doctor shook his head no. He asked the doctor if he had six months and the doctor said maybe. This was his oncologist that he spoke with. I asked mom with they had done a biopsy and were sure it was cancer because there are non-cancerous tumors too. She said he hadn't but said he could, though it seems he is convinced that it's cancer.

I was reading on some sites about cancer and I've come to the conclusion they never say anything good. The majority of what I read was negative. I mean don't get me wrong I know that cancer is a bad thing and some types are worse than others. But would it kill these people to try to give hope too? One site said that if a person had liver cancer and it went untreated they had 3 to 4 months. If treated 6 to 18 months possibly. They all push treatment with no talk of alternative possibilities.

This morning I woke up and felt hope although momentarily, I felt it. It disappeared to be replaced with that numbness. I thought today I may move to another stage but I guess not yet. I don't want anger because honestly, it won't do any good. I mean really, who would I be angry at? God? The doctors? Dad? No, so what's the point of anger? Heck I've forgotten what all the stages are. I skipped denial. lol Well he already has cancer so I can't deny it. Impending death? It's waiting for us all when it's our time. I think my anger will come in when he is in pain that they may have trouble controlling. That's when my anger will surface.

The nicest thing I can think of right now is that when this is over at least he will be out of a body that was falling apart. He'll be well. This leads me to think about the point of the body being a shell then now his mind is healthy. Maybe I should really say his soul is. It's a shame we haven't learned how to heal ourselves. I know I'm afraid of what is going to happen because today I've started thinking of running away. To go somewhere, almost like I think it couldn't find me or it wouldn't happen if I weren't here. I know it's not true but my flight or fight is kicking in and I'm choosing flight. I'm a coward when it comes to facing things I don't want to face.

The strangest thing is my knowing that this isn't the end but also of not wanting to lose him in life. Yes I understand spirit and blah blah blah but you all know it's different. The conflict in my mind of those two things is enough to drive me crazy. There's a story in the Zen of Living and Dying that I always think of. A master tells his students of his impending death to which they all began to cry and despair. He asks them why and they say because he is leaving. The master says you cry for yourself because you do not know where I'm going if you did then you would not. Ok that's paraphrased but you get the idea. They cry for their loss not for him. Yes I will be crying for my loss though I hope that the knowledge of knowing there is more and that he isn't truly lost to me will help me handle it better.

Enough for now.

Dazed and Confused but not really

I've been thinking a lot on way too many thoughts.

Some of these thoughts are more from a curious stand point and other I'm drawn to and want to know the truth on.

I was trying to think of how to put this... It's not that I'm floundering or my faith is in jeapody but my thoughts on God/Goddess/Spirit/The All/ whatever words you choice to discribe it, are tangled up and stuck on old feelings. An example is I have this concern somewhere still in my mind that not acknowledging both God and Goddess is a step backwards. Yet I believe that Spirit/God whatever is all gender. So if it encompasses both then why do I need to be worried that I will be neglectful in my prayers if I don't use the words God and Goddess? Maybe it's the fact that I had to work at making sure I remembered both and my mind just hasn't accepted the other part. I'm working on that though.

I think I need to set up a ritual for everyday. I haven't been doing my greeting the sun ritual lately and I'm just floating around. I hate setting up something that I feel I have to do because I won't do it out of rebellion.

I'll post more later. I have to do some work while I'm thinking of it.


Well work was unsuccessful for now. I never can get someone on the phone when I need to. lol

Ok back to thinking.

Is any ritual really needed? No, but I think I need something to help get me focused and understanding.

Then a lessoned learned now. Not to believe everything I read or hear. Now the only problems is I'm questioning someone who is teaching me. I know that's the point and honestly if something feels wrong to me I kind of just keep it in the back of my mind for future reference. It just bothers me questioning someone who I trust. Yes the lesson is a double edged sword. I also know that my truths will be simply that my truths but I guess I'm just a person who believes in people they trust. Yeah this is bothering me. I guess it's another one of those shake your foundation things. Talk about stubborn! That's me when faced with a change I don't like. Change = growth yeah yeah I know.

There are so many things I want to know but I want to know them now. So it's driving me a little nuts not getting my way about that. Some will probably never be used but how do I know until I have my answers? I have a need to make a difference even in my tiny part of the world. Not for the glory but where I can sit back and smile that I was able to contribute in a helpful way.