Saturday, January 07, 2006

Out of Control

I was driving in my dream. What was strange is I felt like I was too sleepy to be driving but I couldn’t do anything about it. There was me and two smaller children and another woman. She had been driving for a while and then we stopped somewhere and she laid down to rest. She fell asleep and said I needed to drive. So I started driving. As I was driving I felt the way dreams feels to you but I just kept driving. Then we stopped for pink lemonade and the other woman was still asleep. We got our lemonade but I felt like they cheated us and tried to tell them but it was being run by these little girls and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. So we drove more. The sleeping woman said she wanted to drive through the forest. I was having trouble controlling the car. It wouldn’t slow down and I could make the u-turn I needed to make. I finally in desperation just saw myself pulled over and the car did. Then I was going to turn around but realized if I had continued going on that road I would have made it to the forest. So I whipped back out on the road at the intersection where I stopped and turned left so I could go to the forest.

As I drove the car got faster and faster and I felt like I had no control but I sort of was enjoying it. I was going down this hill and the grass and the trees were like a blur as they went by. I was between terrified and tickled. This hill was huge and it was like a roller coaster. I lost my stomach like I do on big hills on a roller coaster ride. Then it was going normal speed again. Just as I started relax I watched the road become much thinner, like that of a roller coaster, it was green like grass. I could see it ahead of me looking like a roller coaster. I screamed out no I will not do this and then I thought I must be sleeping. I started slapping my face and screaming wake up. I slapped it several times and realized that there was no pain. It scared me because I was trying to understand how this could be. So I did some test slaps to check this and it felt like my face was numb, there was some feeling. I knew then I needed to find a place to stop and sleep. So I stopped at a little motel and we all went in the room. It seemed like the other kind of disappeared but two birds that were blue in color showed up. I spoke with them like they were the others. Weird things happened there. I don’t really remember them so much because they seem to happen so fast. I asked one of the birds for help and it did… then I woke.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Midnight Ride

Sitting in class her mind went back to the weekend just past. All the kids had a good time and she wondered if they would get a chance to have another weekend like that. Her mind drifted off.

They were all sitting around the barn and someone said hey why don’t we camp out here at the barn this week? They all agreed and Kate the woman who ran the barn said it would be fine with her as long as our parents said it was ok. Of course everyone’s parents were in agreement to let us stay. I mean really what kind of trouble can a bunch of girls get into? So we made plans, we were going to sleep in the hayloft of the upper barn. That’s where most our horses were stabled at. Let’s see so there is going to be Karen, Karen’s friend LeeAnn, Teri, Karen B, Bobbie Jean, Trina, Jill and I. Oh and Kenny thought this would be a good chance to hang out with the girls and see who would be interested in him. Good grief, I mean really if we aren’t any other time what makes him think now is his chance? Karen was older than the rest of us. She was of legal drinking age and we were 16 to 13. Well, Kenny was 16 but I don’t feel like counting him. I was kind of excited because Ralph was suppose to try and come by for a midnight ride with us. Now mind you Ralph is 22 so I’m not sure why I want him to show up, really Karen is his age to go out with.

We all ate sandwiches and sat around talked and acted silly. The horses had been fed and life was good. Midnight rolled around and Ralph didn’t show so we left without him. Teri rode double on Sassy with me because Gidget was out in the pasture. She had her bridle and we figured we’d find her horse and continue our ride. We were having a great time the moon was so full and bright. It was funny how it looked like daytime with some strange colored filter on the sun. Everything had a sort of blue tint to it. There are parts of the 300 acre pasture that I didn’t like in the daylight much less the night time. I was nervous as we all rode past these parts. There, up ahead we spotted Gidget happily grazing. She was up on the top of the hill. Teri called to her and Gidget looked up in wonder. I sure she was thinking what are the crazy humans doing out so late riding. Teri slid off Sassy’s back and was putting Gidget’s bridle on when I noticed some strange movement further in the pasture. It looked like someone with a flash light. Maybe it was Ralph trying to find us. It seemed Gidget really didn’t want the bit in her mouth and was giving Teri a hard time. I told Teri to hurry up. I’d been watching this light and something felt wrong about it. I guess the others finally noticed it and at first were all brave and stuff. I started getting really nervous. “Teri hurry up and get on we have to get out of here”. She looked up and said “What’s wrong?” and I pointed out the light. Teri asked if it was Ralph and I said I don’t think so. The light stopped moving forward and though I couldn’t see the person I felt their eyes find us on the hill. My voice took on a more commanding tone as I told Teri to get on her damn horse right now. The others started getting nervous and were trying to leave. I said I’m not leaving her here by herself and Teri was panicked because she was having trouble getting on Gidget’s back. “Don’t leave me!” she cried out. Nobody’s leaving I reassured her. Karen B. really went off the deep end and started crying. I told her to shut up. Karen was watching the light and I was busy with helping Teri. Karen quietly said it’s headed towards us. I looked up and sure enough it was. Watching I realized it wasn’t a rider on a horse but a motorcycle. Now this could be bad because we couldn’t out run a motorcycle. Teri started to cry cause she realized that it was a motorcycle and decided it must be a serial killer or something. We tried to support each other hoping our bravery would show back up. Finally Teri was on her horse and we took off. Of course we knew the pasture like the back of our hands because of all the riding we did. We even wound up going through one place that I never liked going through. I figured if we needed to escape then by God I’d do what I had too. Now imagine if you will 8 girls on 7 horses fleeing for our lives. It was a good thing we were all use to riding bareback or no telling what would have happened. You know that motorcycle did try to find us but obviously didn’t know the pasture as well as we did. I knew every low hanging branch there was because we use to play on horseback all the time in that pasture. Apparently we lost the motorcycle rider and we had our horses at a dead run as we came around the lake and across the dam. Just as soon as we got to the barn we all started laughing at how silly we all had probably looked. It was funny how our bravery came back at that point.

We made sure our horses were cooled down and put them up and climbed into the hayloft. Kenny was waiting us on like a good little dog or something. We told him all about what had happened and he tried to assure us that no one would bother us now. I laughed to myself at his pronouncement. Karen said anyone want a drink? This of course caught all of our attention. Vodka and orange juice, I’d never drunk before so of course I figured I’d give it a try. It wasn’t too long and we all were drunk. Karen didn’t only drink but did drugs. There was no way I was even going to think about trying drugs. My dad would have killed me. No one else but Karen’s friend LeeAnn did any drugs. I don’t know what she took I just knew I didn’t want any part of it. Karen B said she had to go to the bathroom and like most groups of girls we all had to go together. So we started out of the hayloft which had been much easier before the alcohol. Kenny insisted he go ahead of me so he could help me. I slowly crawled across the boards that lead to the ladder giggling the whole time because it was so stupid that I couldn’t walk across it like before. Then the ladder, you know the ladder seemed so differently as I climbed down. I didn’t remember the rungs being so far apart. I was still giggling at it all when I felt Kenny’s hand touch my butt. First thing out of my mouth was ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Kenny told me he was trying to keep me from falling. I forgot to mention, Kenny was the only one who didn’t have anything to drink. It made me mad that Kenny thought I couldn’t climb down a simple ladder without his help and I let him know that. I was the last one out of the hayloft and the only one who had the giggles badly. When I got to the bathroom Karen B was first in. I opened the door and they are all standing around talking to her because she was sick. I was holding up the closed door weaving back and forth. At that point I realized I needed to go to the bathroom too. I said sweetly to Karen B. ‘are you ok?’ she cried no. I asked if she was using the toilet and she said no and kept crying. This is the point where I lost being sweet. I said then get off it cause the rest of us need it. She looked pitiful at me and got up. We all hurried to use the toilet and the others were trying to figure out how to make Karen B. feel better. We all helped her back to the hayloft it was time to go to sleep. Hopefully Karen B. would feel better with some sleep.

I’m not sure how long we’d been asleep but I heard voices. They were men’s voices and they were in the barn. Next thing you know we all crept to the edge of the hayloft and were looking to see if we knew them. As it turned out we didn’t and in the hayloft there was no escape. Needless to say we sobered up quite a bit at that point. They were going to all of the stall looking at the horses. These people did not belong here and certainly not at that time of night. I was prepared to attack when they looked in Sassy’s stall. Apparently they heard our quiet whispers and left rather quickly. Satisfied that they were gone we went back to sleep. This time Kenny kept trying to cuddle with me. I finally told him I’d rip his nuts off if he didn’t leave me alone. I was tired of telling him to stop so I decided a nice threat was in order.

The morning came and we slowly began to move around. Kate was already there and she was sweet enough to bring us milk and doughnuts. Karen B. turn 3 shades of green as she ran for the bathroom. None of us were too interested in those doughnuts.

Monday, January 02, 2006

New Year's

With all the talk that normally takes place around this time of year of resolutions, I just have to say… I will make none. There are things that I want to accomplish this year. I want to work on being healthier this year. To work on eating healthy and working out. There are habits I want to change. This is my year. The year where I find what I’m good at. I will find my direction but I want be afraid to vary from a straight line.

You know yesterday I was full of hope and felt everything was fine. This morning I wake and feel the old fears trying hard to sneak in. It’s obviously something I need to work on. To keep fears out of my life. I’ll admit that these feel different than the others have felt. See before when this would happen all my thoughts seemed to be too far away to be real. So I have stepped forward as now I know they aren’t, I just have to keeping reaching for them until I have them in my hands.

Also yesterday I realized that I couldn’t keep worrying about other people. By this I mean I have to decide where I’m heading. I don’t know, maybe that decision has helped make the other stuff seem easier.

On New Year’s Morning I slept in. I decided to do that for myself. I didn’t have to get up so I just lazed around and enjoyed my dreams. Then I was pretty much a couch potato. Michael and I watched a couple of movies. We enjoyed ourselves in the quiet.

THEN I also started that same day. Now it should be illegal for that to happen. Lol I’m cranky and now starting to cramp some. I feel melancholy today because of those wild hormones. Yes, ride the wild waves of emotions with a Cancer and you will see that life truly is a roller coaster.

I’m looking forward to moving to another house. I think the reason is that I will be on my own. Tom won’t be able to say his anymore. You know I’m rather disappointed that he has said that so much. Just as if I never contributed to anything. You know what? As a good friend said last night. All in the past died last night. All in the future was born. I think this is one reason I’m ready to move on. The past is dead and it’s now time to live for the future.