Ok so some how I missed the second episode of Cops... Must have been because I couldn't see through my eye lids. *grins* Yep fell right to sleep. LOL I woke up to the movie Glimmer Man. Then a phone call trying to solicit money. I really shouldn't nap like this... Made me a little mean. I've snapped at the dogs and the cats. I've called them all bastards. I guess that's because they are boys.

Come to think of it ... It's rather sad that on Friday night and I'm napping on the sofa. LOL Nah, not much into partying, I kind of enjoy relaxing at home. Actually I prefer that.

Well I had a long soak in the tub with some really great smelling bath salts. I even took a book with me. LOL Well, I just couldn't bring myself to read. It felt to good just to relax. I stayed in there about an hour. *grins* Now I'm sleepy... Oh well that could having something to do with having dinner too. LOL

So now I'm sitting here watching Cops... Hey they are in Vegas. So I've been waving at the TV so the Vegas grovers can see me. ;-) Yep they are driving down the road I wave at everyone. :-D

It's an overcast day. It's been really great though. Ok, not great but ok... It's been quiet around the house. I've watched two movies today. Love Actually and Stuck on You. Ok so I've watch Love Actually twice now. LOL I had to, I fell a sleep during it yesterday cause I was so sleepy. Heck today I fell asleep watching stuck on you so I'll watch it again too. LOL

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.....

Yep it really is. The temp is perfect the sun is out the sky is blue. Flowers are blooming. It's really nice today.

I woke up tired this morning. It seemed like I had participated in a triathlon. Just absolutely worn out. LOL So I finally gave in to the voice that said to go out and let a tree help me. As I went up the drive way I looked for an oak tree but that option didn't seem to be the right one. I got the mail and started back down the drive way and felt I had to stop. I looked and there was a pine tree. Now this isn't just a pine tree but one that is called a Georgia Pine Tree. LOL What more of a hint did I need! So I went over and pressed my back against the tree and start opening myself up to it. I felt the energy begin to swirl, my headache lessened. Then my left knee kept buckling so I took that hint and sat down against the tree. LOL It's kind of funny how things work. So I was feeling better but what I asked the tree was just to take any negative from me. Then I asked the wonderful folks at WG if they would send me some energy. It helped me make it through the day. They were all so sweet to send the energy for my help.

I've felt my better... I love my WG friends.

Love Changes
by Stevie Nicks

It wasn't that I didn't love you
I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried
To make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was...

All around you
There was nothing left for me

But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

I wish I could figure a way around this
She says...like a sad song
I don't understand the way that I feel
I am terrified of being wrong
Well, I am not happy
And I am not crazy
Are you listening, do you hear
Everything happens for a reason
Stay clear

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone

It wasn't that I didn't love you
But I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried to make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was all around you
There was nothing left for me
But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone

That don't mend the sorrow
Or reinvent the pleasure

Today was kind of sucky. Not terrible but just sucky. I'll post a conversation I had with Tom that was rather annoying. Kind of the basic gist of the conversation was him telling me I was going to have to transition from wife to friend. I mean we both agreed we would like to be friends and I don't have a problem with that. However he also doesn't want me showing emotions because it's hard on him. LOL I told him if I couldn't deal with my emotions then I couldn't get over. I have to be able to face them. Then I went on about him moving on so quickly. I added and I bet Dallas is going to meet you in Florida. LOL Guess which part of the conversation he looked over? LOL Yep the Dallas part. Dick.

Let's see I cleaned up my closet some... I'm going through and going to donate the clothes that I'll no longer wear.

Tom will be gone for a couple of weeks and I'll get some of his stuff out of my bedroom. Probably pack up the dishes I said he could have. Of course he asked for a different set but you know what? When I bought them he talked about how ugly they were. Well then to me they are too ugly to give him. LOL He'll get another set instead. I don't mind him having a set at all but well I'm amazed. Everything he has asked for are things I picked out and he didn't like at all. LOL I guess he lied about not liking those things.

What Herb are you?


YOU ARE MOLY


What herb are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


Since I can never get the pictures to work I had to type out what it actually says. LOL

Moly
You have a strong mind and are unswayed by the masses. Even when everyone else is acting like swine, you remain above it all.

Well, today was just another day. Nothing big going on. It was a beautiful day outside so I guess that was something.

Well, Tom got done really early so he is coming back tonight. *sighs* So much for the poison ivy idea. *giggle* I still have time but well... I'm not right now ready to do anything about the poison ivy yet. ;-)

What a beautiful day. The Goddess Anna helped me out with something last night. So here is a public thank you to her. Lurve ya Anna, THANK YOU!

Tom is in Jackson, Mississippi until late Friday. Then he has a depo on Saturday morning. Then he will be heading out Saturday afternoon to Jacksonville, Florida for a class he takes every year. Then the following week he is going down to Boca Raton, Florida to look for a house. So I will have my life to myself for a while.

You know as I was walking up to get the mail today I was still annoyed at Tom's question. This bird kept screaming at me so I was looking around trying to locate it. That's when I saw it and had this thought.

Poison Ivy... Tom is extremely allergic to poison ivy... The thought was playing in my mind that I could rub poison ivy in Tom's bed as a gift for him. LOL The funny part about that is he would think that I hexed him when in fact I used a very mundane way to express my displeasure. *smiles a sweet and innocent smile*

Ok here is something that caught me off guard and now I'm fucking paranoid.

Tom came in and we were talking about everything he needed for his trip to Jackson, MS. Then he said while you are on your happy divorce vacation can I bring Dallas and show her the pond and house? I gave him my full attention and said if you do I'll hex the pond and all the fish will be belly up. Then I smiled.

I feel the wrath of Goddess building in me. You know the kind of pointing your finger and lightening comes from the tip and the person is a black crispy thing on the ground? That kind of wrath.

You know those people that get laughed at for their conspiracy theory's? That's what I feel like one of the conspiracy people with all the possibilities running through my head. Why does he want to bring her here? Why would she come here? What would it accomplish? I have answers for everyone of them

Yesterday a while after Tom decided to tell me what to do and I put it back on him...

He was down stairs and he called me from his cell phone. So there I sat answering some emails I picked up the phone and said hello. Here is the conversation. I'll put T for what he said and G for what I said. T "Hello baby bear". G "Hello". T "what'cha doing?" G "Nothing". T "Nothing?". G "Nope". Then I hear a bell go off in his head. T "Just sitting on your fat ass?" G "Yeah something like that". T "I just wanted to apologize for going off about the tapes earlier". G "yeah".

Now the funny thing here is his tone was so sappy sweet with the baby bear thing. Then I felt this huge *oh shit* come across. Then he tried to keep the same tone but failed miserably. As the tone was more... Ummm... flat.

So when he came upstairs to go to bed I popped up with... So dialed the wrong number did you. He said no. I said don't lie. You've never ever called me baby bear. He tried to deny it but before he went into his room he said. I thought I covered it well. I said not even close.

So now I know some of you are sitting there going she ignored the fat ass comment! :-o! Well, yes I did. I've heard it some many times, that it's nothing new. He said the same thing earlier when I told him to let Michael drive him. LOL He has always been like that. Of course he would tell you that he never says these things to hurt my feelings nor has he destroyed my self worth. That's another story all together. He actually has told me that the things he has said like that were to motivate me. What a dumb ass. Yeah, telling someone negative things all the time is really going to motivate them.

I know there are things that will set me off in future relationships. One will be negative things that Tom would have said. Oogling women while with me. I really don't mind a man noticing a beautiful woman. Heck I've pointed both men and women out. To sit there though in a conversation and turn your head to look is just rude.

One of the last times Tom and I went out to dinner we were sitting there talking and this girl walked by. I could feel him following her. I stopped talking and when he looked back I said "And I will not miss that". He looked surprised and said "and I' won't miss that". Referring to what I said. The thing is I've never said anything about it before. I just wanted him to know how annoying it is.

I have thought back on past relationships and how the men were. The first guy was such a whore dog. Yet when I was with him he didn't look at other women. It wasn't like he purposefully didn't notice them, he just didn't look. The next one well I wasn't around him enough but he paid attention to me. LOL The one who was just a friend and would have never been anything more of so focused it annoyed me. LOL Then there was John... another whore dog. Yet, he still did not follow women around with his eyes. Your wondering about the whore dog thing I know. LOL Well, the first one was but I was so in love... he is the one who absolutely broke my heart. It's ok now though. John. LOL Well John I knew from school so his reputation proceeded him. I wasn't serious about him and that drove him nuts.

Something I learned from those relationships was once the relationship was over ties were cut. Heck John is a policeman that works where Tom use to. It was actually a pretty funny thing when John went to work there cause Tom knew all about him. LOL Anyway, John is on the dive team and they were helping my dad out (who is retired from the same department now) and they were under his boat checking it out. They were doing exercises so they helped dad out. LOL Anyway I didn't know that they were there and went to see my mom and dad at the marina. I heard John before I ever saw him. I was standing a the deck of a boat talking about what a great party boat it would be. Then he saw me. He quit talking got off the boat and disappeared. My mom looked at me and I shrugged. That is pretty much the way all the guys have acted after breaking up. I don't get it but... well I'm not a guy. Oh a funny. I saw John at a friends (another policeman) birthday party. HE saw me and went into another room. Well, the friends wife knew I had dated him and she just looked funny at me. I was in the kitchen talking to John's wife. *grins* So I waited an appropriate amount of time and went to where he was and forced him to talk to me in front of all these people. They all were looking funny and John looked like he had been caught. Now to me it was funny as hell because we dated. Nothing more than that. Later I found out that he was screwing around on his wife. No big surprise to me.

Anyway , my point is the relationships ended and so did the contact. It's just strange.

Tom, Matt and Michael went to see The Punisher today. When they got back Tom started asking me about work stuff. He said he owed this one attorney stuff. As he spoke I said Tom, it's Sunday and I am not going to remember any of this tomorrow. Send me an email about it. So he brushed that off and I said I don't even remember what you were telling me earlier about work stuff. He said I said you and Michael needed to make two copies of that tape for Flournoy. I said no and even Michael said no. Michael said for us to remind you. Then Tom insisted we had blank VHS tapes. I said no we don't you've used them all. He said no I haven't. I said yes. Then he went on about that. I said we had blank VHS tapes 8 years ago, you've used them since then. Tom said then you need to let Michael drive you to... and I interrupted him. I said No you need to let Michael drive you. He interrupted me... He said don't tell me what to do, and I said then stop telling me what to do. Of course he had to say some nasty things because he just can't keep his big mouth shut when someone (in our family) goes against him. He has gone back downstairs where he should stay until he leaves the state. Jackass.

Hopefully he got the point. I'm done taking orders from him. I'm tired of him saying do this and do that. First off, this is an off day and I'm not working. I'll be happy to go get some VHS tapes tomorrow but not today. I'll even make the copies but tomorrow.

Answering some emails this morning then needed to go out and see nature. I decided I'd go out and feed my fish. Must have been something in the food cause all of a sudden the boys started chasing the poor pregnant girls around bumping into them trying to push the eggs out of them. So obviously the food I fed them was horny fish food or something. *sighs*

Ok, you all are wondering about that. Well you see the boys chase the girls which doesn't sound bad except for the fact that they will ram the girl pretty hard. This in turn makes her start swimming for her life. Where it gets bad at is that the girl gets so desperate to get away that they some times jump out of the water. So really it can be a bad thing especially if the fish is a $250.00 fish. So this time of year you have to keep an eye out on them.

So I fed them the horny making fish food and then cleaned the filters again. Back inside

I never got to take my nap. Dang it... Just as soon as I layed down Michael said we need to go get gas for the lawn mower. *sighs* So we did that then I pulled weeds for a while. I'm losing my mind... Totally losing my mind. I kept keep things straight. LOL Those who read my blog earlier and have just read it again will know why. So now my face is red...

I was talking with my sister yesterday. We covered a lot of ground as is usual when you talk with a sister. We finally started talking about horses. About how you have to build a relationship with the horse in order to get the best out of them. So we talked about this for a while and then we went to my divorce.

She said I'm going to say something using an analogy you'll accept. I said ok... She said, I've seen your relationship in this way. A beautiful wild horse caught by a man who keeps pushing her until she gives in to what he wants. Finally he has won and you do as you are told. You were broken by him.

HELP!!!!

I've done something girly.... *sobs* I've painted my toenails bright pink! You notice it's toenails. I can hide them. ;-) I'm debating my fingernails... They are telling me all the reasons I shouldn't paint them and I'm trying to explain why I should. Who knew fingernails were so good at debate?

Howdeeeee!

It's a gorgeous day today. I'm inside because of the pollen though. LOL I need to wash my car and plant the herbs I got yesterday. You know what though? I think I'm going to take a nap. I deserve to do what I want to do today. :-)

So that's what I'm going to do.

Today was a pretty good day. Nothing huge happened. I did go and buy some herbs though. Bought some more Foxglove. Tom killed the ones I had bought last year.

One of the attorneys that I always thought of as a friend called today. He was checking up on me. He is a good guy really.

Tom had a deposition and came to the house and washed his motorcycle and took off. Came back again and went down stairs.

What have I done for me today... hmmm... Oh I bought herbs. lol I cleaned the filters in the pond, and fed the fish. The fish are very relaxing to me. I gave all three cats a catnip leaf, then had to fight Marvin off. He as I was typing he was biting at me fingers. LOL I swear they get really crazy. I threw one leaf and Sam caught it in mid air. LOL

So the day was pretty good for me.

Today Tom and I had to attend a Divorcing Parents Seminar. A court mandated thing. They had good information for the younger kids but mine youngest is 16 year old. They spent maybe 10 minutes of the 4 1/2 hours on teenagers. A waste of time for people with teens. At a cost of $30.00 a person to boot. Then we got our certificate.

We get back and I went into the office and scanned the certificates so I could send them to the attorney. I checked emails and found that Tom and I had to sign another piece of paper. This was a consent to hearing or something like that. So got the certificates scanned and sent. Then we went down to the attorney's office to sign the paper.

They sent me an email with court dates:
Wednesday, May 19th at 9:30 a.m.
Thursday, May 20th at 9:30 a.m.
May 25th, May 26th, May 27th or May 28th all at 9:30 a.m.

Now I need to check and see what date is better astrologically. Of course I say sooner the better but it's not because I'm being mean. It's just the truth.

You know each of the stories and the poem that is on the Bard page are me. Ok the Hermit wasn't what happened in so many words but it's my feelings. Tethered is how I've felt for years. Hope was always dangled in front of me only to be taken away. The Moon and the Wolf... Well that was a love affair that never got to happen. Interesting how inspiration happens.

Well today wasn't bad. Tom was ok. Didn't start any arguements or anything.

I'm feeling a little left out though. Yahoo is still being annoying. It's letting me have some messages and not others. I don't even know if mine are getting through. Mab is the only one who responded to me on one. Not that I don't love Mab mind you. It's just usually people respond you know.

Oh boy

Mr Sunshine came back to the house after being out most of the day working. I didn't see that he had come back and popped over to the house and there he was in the kitchen. I said I didn't know you were back. You weren't going to say hey. He grumbled something. Then I said what did you call that file you saved. He said I told you where I put it and if you can't find then maybe you should try looking. I said what did you call it and he said Burkey and stormed off downstairs. Now I searched the computer he insisted that it was on and the only Burkey thing that I found was not the file I needed. But he has his ass on his shoulders so I'm not talking with him.

It's obvious to me that Ms. Dallas is being a bitch and not playing like he wants. So he takes it out on us as usual. He fussed at Michael cause Michael teacher called saying he was border line in spanish. Which means that he put Michael on computer restriction... Oh joy... So Mr. Sunshine is down stairs trying to pout and be an ass. Well, he will find out that downstairs and being an ass will be a cold life for him.

It's amazing to me that he can be home for just a few minutes and stir shit up. Oh and he may have to be here next week cause there are two trials that he is maybe going to have to appear in. So he may have to be here. Oh joy of joys I must say.

I've made a discovery!

Yes I have!

I've talked before about how music moves me. That I'm drawn to song because of the music and not the lyrics... I think I've figured out why.

I was sitting here listening to some music and 'Mississippi Queen' by Mountian came on. I sat there and realized that I only knew part of the lyrics. As old as that song is you would have thought by now I would know them all. I didn't. I love the music to that song. I realized as I looked up the lyrics that the reason I hear the music and don't listen to the lyrics so much is a lot of the music I was exposed to you could understand what the hell they were saying! So I just shut out the lyrics pretty much and went with how the music made me feel. LOL Yeah, that would explain why I like songs that are full of pain and never realized until someone said uh... ouch. LOL

See it was one of those almost meditative things. I was just going with the music when it hit me about not being able to understand some of the lyrics.

Oh and I have to say Radar Love.... Drive fast song... LOL Yep it's an 80+mph song... easily

Yes, I'm drifting back in time... Not like you couldn't tell with me listening to Mountain. LOL


Ok, I'm on to The Devlins now... :-)

Reading these lyrics I giggle. Scorpio I been told you're my most compatible ride. LOL Well, been there, done that... Guess what? I'm done with Scorpios. Yes, I am looking through lyrics. LOL What can I say. I have to go shopping and I'm putting it off. I don't really like shopping. Never have.


"Dirty"

lookin' like first class acting like a cheap date honey drippin' smile so
stylin' bet you know what you do don't you baby?
eyes that penetrate
heat that denigrates lust communicates i can hardly wait to get to you and
show you baby

if you want to i can be dirty too i can spin you around pick you up and go
down if you want to i can be just like you and do the dirty things you do.

walk into a room imperceptible boom tight shot close zoom when you move it's
assumed you feel it too don't you baby? tickin' like a fuse there's an itch i
gotta scratch ten minutes in a room get this monkey off my back any dark
space would do to show you baby

if you want to i can be dirty too i can spin you around pick you up and go
down if you want to i can be just like you and do the dirty things you do

why don't you tell me your sign?
i hear we're two of a kind scorpio i been told
you're my most compatible ride let me tell you again you make me wanna pop!
jack into the movie inside my brain i never wanna stop
can you do that again?
you make me wanna bam!
shut the blinds baby let the door slam intergalactic super bombastic go from
the top baby don't ever stop 'till i tell you to

if you want to i can be dirty too i can spin you around pick you up even go
down if you want to i can be just like you and be dirty too

scorpio i been told you're my most compatible ride

fade to black commercial break this is where the censor kicks in

i think you better close your eyes block your ears this could be the jam of
the year

Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change with ev'ry new day
Still I'm gonna miss you

You know I remember that song when I was little. Interesting lyrics I think. I can understand them quite well.



She would never say where she came from
Yesterday don't matter if it's gone
While the sun is bright or
In the darkest night
No one knows
She comes and go
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change with ev'ry new day
Still I'm gonna miss you

Don't question why she needs to be so free
She'll tell you it's the only way to be
She just can't be chained to a
Life where nothing's gained and nothing's lost at such a cost
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change...

"There's no time to lose"
I heard her say
Catch your dreams before they slip away
Dying all the time
Lose your dreams and you will lose your mind
Ain't life unkind?
Goodbye Ruby Tuesday, who could hang a name on you?
When you change...

I'm on a roll of strange dreams now. lol I will say that some sweet man held me in his arms last night in my sleep. It was very nice and peaceful. The trouble was waking and getting out of his arms. It was the most peaceful sleep I've had in a while. All the problems just seem to melt away. I want to say thank you to him for helping me.

Speaking of dreams night before last I found myself in the Hall of Memories.

I was at the bottom of a hill type feeling but I was in a building. The floor looked like a floor in a building yet it was on a steep incline. My mom was with me as we started up the hill she said I need to show you something. So we were just talking as we went up. She said don't step in the third row as the **** death (**** means I forgot the word). I said ok and stepped over it. I looked at it and it was one set of foot prints heading up the hill. Then I looked to our left and there was another row, in this row there were foot prints going and coming but many different ones. When we topped the hill I could see the barn I had just been at toward to right. On our left was a HUGE hallway. It was completely encased in wood. There were picture frame about 20 feet above where we were. You couldn't see anything in them, it was like they were cloudy. I was impressed with the beauty of this place. Behind us were columns and arch ways. I couldn't see past them so I don't know what lay beyond. I turned back to the picture frames and my mother waved a cloth like she was wiping them off. They cleared and they were reflecting something that I guess I couldn't recognize, maybe I wasn't ready to see them yet. Then I noticed there were two more rows above that one. She again waved the cloth and they too cleared. I was dully impressed but then I woke.

You noticed I'm sure where I said I saw the barn I had been at. Well in the dream I was at a barn and I was putting Sassy in her stall. The place didn't feel totally familiar yet I knew where I was going and which stall was hers. She had tack on as we walked towards the stall but when I turned it was off of her. I put her in the stall and was checking the tack room. I opened it and said to myself I had forgotten I have three saddles. I close it up and gave her food and water and started brushing her. Then I was outside again with three chairs and two women sitting there. I was standing and saw this umbrella. I picked it up because it had started raining. Before I opened it I shook it to make sure there were no spiders in it. So there I stood in the rain with this really huge umbrella. I turned and noticed that the one woman had taken the seat out of my chair. I said that's my seat and she said you're standing up. A man I knew when I had Sassy rode up to me and was talking. There were a lot of horses around and then I found myself at the bottom of the hill with my mom.

Most of my dreams have had me climbing uphill so that's rather easy to figure out. Not that I really want to struggle and to tell the truth it hasn't been a struggle. I am just going uphill is all.

Well Tom and I went and goofed off. We went out and ate. He started talking about his feelings. How about how he wished he could turn them off like he use to. He said I use to could throw a wall and block them off. He then went on to say that it had change back in 2000 when we almost got divorced. We did a lot of talking and opened up to each other. It was strange cause then I heard someone say heal his heart. I thought they meant more. Now I think all that voice meant was to open his heart back up and that happened when we had made up then. He is complaining about it now. I tried to tell him that he still hadn't settle things within him. That he is still blocking. Of course he is saying no. LOL

We had a really good talk but I have to laugh because he always winds up talking about him. How he is feeling bad and how he.... you know what I mean... It's all about him.

There is nothing else I can do for him on that because he chooses not to accept things that he has to deal with.

I'm ready to move on now.

Ok, here is what's happening in my world today. I thought I would still have the house without Tom but he came back early. He said he wouldn't be back until 7:30 tonight. He came back at 11:00 this morning. That didn't make my day I can tell you. It's ok, I tried to be nice and light. I said you're back early. He said yeah. Then he went and dropped his stuff off in his room. Then came back through and talked to me for a minute. He went down stairs and that's it.

Seems Ms Dallas isn't being available for him and he is upset with that. I've picked up quickly on when she is non-committal he is cranky.

The house was calm while Tom was gone but he walks in and goes down stairs. The house changes.

I think when leaves after next week to hide out then I'm cleansing the house... I may need some big ideas on how to keep the negativity out if the cleansing doesn't help.

I think I like Tom not being around. Everything is much lighter when he isn't. So yeah it's time for him to leave. WooHoo eh?

I'm feeling better now... I think I need a vacation... Maybe to Tasmania... :-)

I had a strange dream last night.

I was in school and we were having some kind of party, sort of like Halloween. You know everyone dresses up. The cool thing was the school had all the costumes. So I went with several other girls and we were talking on the way. It seemed that you didn't get to pick out your costume but everyone we had seen loved the one they got. So we went into the library where this was being done. They were also giving us wigs to wear. I said I have to have a long wig cause it hurt to keep my hair up too long. There were a bunch of them. Everyone was getting their wig except me. I waited patiently for mine. I had my costume and really the wigs were no different than my own hair, except wavy. The lady ignored me and went to the people behind me. She never even acknowledged me. So I got upset and stated that I was going home.

So I started walking off. I was very aware of what I had on and thought it was a bit odd but I went on my way. Now to describe what I had on. It was a dress that was made of leather and sort of patch work. I had on thigh high boots that matched it. Now this dress was really really short. I'm talking just barely covered my butt cheeks. So I'm walking through this school headed out towards the parking lot. I remembered something in my locker and I had trouble remembering the combination. Then I remember it, didn't get anything out of the locker that I remember though. Then started for the parking lot again. There were a lot of hallways and they were all going up hill. I also remembering that I was walking very slowly. I couldn't walk any faster though. So I just went with it instead of fighting it. I realized how short the dress was but didn't worry about it. Actually at one point I could tell that as I was walking the incline of the hallway that my butt cheeks were being exposed. I didn't care and the only thought I had was that I was glad I wore thongs. LOL

So I some how got turned around in the school and could no longer see the parking lot. So I started just wondering around. I wound up in the boys locker room because I could see the parking lot through the windows. I ignored them but then I realized that the parking lot was the wrong one but I had already gone outside. So again I was walking uphill. I walked through the area where the smokers hung out. The scene was very different. It was like I was behind the scenes. This guy jumped in a pickup truck and asked me if I'd like a ride to the parking lot. I said yes and got in. When we finally got to the parking lot most of the cars were already gone and I was on foot again with friends. They said which one is yours? I said the shiny black one and pointed to this black car. It kind of looked like the 1968 GTO we use to have. When we got closer I noticed that the right rear wheel was gone. I mean the whole thing not just the tire. I was walking around it looking at it because there was something else in it's place. Something I've never seen before. It was similar to a cocoon but it was shiny like chrome.

Then I woke.

I'm refusing to acknowledge Tom's existence. He just came in from going out to eat. He had sent a text message wanting to know if we (Michael and I) wanted anything from Outback's Steak House. I sent back one word. No. Then he came in and I've refused to look at him or even act like I know he is here.

Welp, just got back from signing the papers for the settlement agreement.

Swear to God, that right now I am so fucking pissed off I can't see straight. He met me there because he had been out and about. He got there before me on purpose because he couldn't fucking wait to sign the papers. Fucking grinning like a fucking maniac. Right this second I hope he dies. Right this very fucking second. You would think he would have the decency to at least be sad but noooooo! Goddamn him.

"Changes"
by 3 Doors Down

I'm not suposed to be scared of anything, but I don't know where I am
I wish that I could move but I'm exhausted and nobody understands (how I feel)
I'm trying hard to breathe now but there's no air in my lungs
There's no one here to talk to and the pain inside is making me numb

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm feeling weak and weary walking through this world alone
Everything you say, every word of it, cuts me to the bone
I've got something to say, but now I've got no where to turn
It feel like I've been buried underneath the weight of the world

I try to hold this Under control
They can't help me 'Cause no one knows

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm going through changes, changes

I'm running, shaking
Bound and breaking
I hope I make it through all these changes

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, save me
Now I'm falling apart, now I feel it

Now I'm going through changes, changes
God, I feel so frustrated lately
When I get suffocated, I hate this
But I'm going through changes, changes

Well, where do I begin? Nothing new is going on same shit different day. I did get a bunch of work done. Probably cause I wanted to stay busy. Today we go sign the settlement agreement, at 4:00.

What amazes me is the way Tom can be so calm. He wants things to run smoothly so it doesn't hurt. No, that it doesn't hurt him. Now he has decided that he will be gone the last two weeks of this month and the first week of May. Yep three weeks. Now this is where my mind starts wondering. Now he says he wishes he had a bond with Michael like I do. Now two of those weeks you think he would spend with Michael if he wanted this... No, he is hiding from all of this.

Exploder
by Audioslave

I met a man locked away
For things he hadn't done
Innocence on a ball and chain
He'll never feel the sun
Again on his face or roses
In his hands but when he smiled
At me I could understand

(chorus)
If you're free you'll never see the walls
If you're head is clear you'll never freefall
If you're right you'll never fear the wrong
If you're head is high you'll never fear at all

There was a daughter of a man
Who took his life too young
She swore she'd never do the same
Then did just what he'd done
And a boy who's gone insane
Heard voices in his head
No one knows what they say
Now his mothers dead

(chorus)
If you're free you'll never see the walls
If you're head is clear you'll never freefall
If you're right you'll never fear the wrong
If you're head is high you'll never fear at all

There was a man who had a face
That looked a lot like me
I saw him in the mirror and
I fought him in the street
And when he turned away
I shot him in the head
Then I came to realize
I had killed myself

(chorus)
If you're free you'll never see the walls
If you're head is clear you'll never freefall
If you're right you'll never fear the wrong
If you're head is high you'll never fear at all

Love Changes
by Stevie Nicks

It wasn't that I didn't love you
I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried
To make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was...

All around you
There was nothing left for me

But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

I wish I could figure a way around this
She says...like a sad song
I don't understand the way that I feel
I am terrified of being wrong
Well, I am not happy
And I am not crazy
Are you listening, do you hear
Everything happens for a reason
Stay clear

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone

It wasn't that I didn't love you
But I just couldn't make you see
That as hard as I tried to make it all better
It was not better for me
The love that I gave you was all around you
There was nothing left for me
But I hate to say it
But I saw it coming
My feelings were changing

I only say what you want to hear
When there is a conflict
I stay clear
When he was loving I was in tears
He knows my fears

When love changes in the flash of an eye
It leaves people burnin' by the side of the road
You stand there you got nothing to hold
For the first time you are alone
For the first time you are alone

That don't mend the sorrow
Or reinvent the pleasure

Ok, so hump day is better than yesterday was. I'm in a much better mood. Feeling much stronger today than yesterday. I had a long talk with the Goddess last night before I fell asleep. I know that I was very busy in my dreams so I'm not sure what she had me doing but I woke up feeling like I had accomplish my goal.

Michael and I took Tom some lunch. He is doing a vehicle exam where a guy got spit out of his Jaguar when it rolled. He was seat belted but the seat belt didn't lock and the guy was ejected through the rear passenger window. Tom said he wasn't feeling well, and I know it's after yesterday. I told him I thought it should be put in the property settlement that he will sign Michael's car over to him at the legal age. Tom said yeah, then said do you really think I wouldn't? I said yes. Now, that sounds bitchy but it's because he used Matt's car as a tool against Matt and I am not letting him do that with Michael too. So every time I say something that Tom doesn't like he runs and hides. I found out that he will be out of town the third week of this month. He will be out the last week because of a school he goes to every year. Then he was taking the next week to look for a house in Boca. That's three weeks. Sounds conveniently like someone avoiding having to deal with life to me. Yet he expects me too. I'm rather confused by that. He doesn't think I should feel trapped. I look at it this way. What if I just decided I couldn't handle it and wanted to be gone for a week, what would happen? Well, one someone has to stay with Michael. Yeah he is 16 but I'm not leaving him by himself. He may think we have abandoned him. I can't run away and avoid all this because Michael would worry that I'd leave him. Which he should know I'd never leave him. He and I have a bond that Tom is jealous of. We've always had this bond. Michael loves his dad but he thinks he belongs to me. That's what he use to tell people when he was little.

So, here I sit in the office with a new book. Another reason I'm feeling good today. LOL Three Books of Occult Philosophy. It was recommended to me. So far it's very interesting.

I don't know if you all remember me speaking about the lady I had helped with a love problem... Today she told me that I needed to get out of the house. She is funny, she said it would be better for me to be outside. There is too much depression when you sit in the house, that's what she said. LOL She was being so sweet. I told her I would after I sorted things out in my mind. She said you aren't too old to find a boyfriend. LOL She is a year older than me. She is from Columbia and apparently there she would be too old for such a thing. I thought it was sweet of her to try and cheer me up. :-)

What You Are
by Audioslave


And when you wanted me
I came to you
And when you wanted someone else
I withdrew
And when you asked for light
I set myself on fire
And if I go far away I know
You'll find another slave

(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

And when you wanted blood
I cut my veins
And when you wanted love
I bled myself again
Now that I've had my fill of you
I'll give you up forever
And here I go far away
I know you you'll find another slave

(chorus)
Cause now I'm free from what you want
Now I'm free from what you need
Now I'm free from what you are

Then a vision came to me
When you came along
I gave you everything
But then you wanted more

Mercury Retrograde

Did I mention I fucking Mercury Retrograde? Well I do ...

I was sitting here a moment ago and had this really bad thought then kind of laughed. I was thinking about why people cut themselves when it hit me... I've never cut, well not myself... but my hair. When I get extremely stressed I start hunting for split ends to cut out of my hair. I've been doing this for 2 days solid now. I guess that's my way of dealing with it. That was a rather interesting realization for me. I either cut up paper into little itty bitty bits or snip split ends out of my hair. As for the paper, the smaller I cut it the more upset I am. LOL

I'm starting to understand some of my emotions... finally. I seeing things about me that are petty but dammit they are my emotions and if I want to be petty then I will. I'm learning that I've supressed more emotions than I had ever realized. I'm just being flooded by them now. They aren't all bad, that's not what I mean. They just are what they are.

Truly
by Delerium

I know good things, I know bad as well
Any witness to the world will tell
If there is sorrow, then there is beauty and trust
A secret pearl inside the heart of us...

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there;s joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

And there is magic now, under blood red trees,
All the sky will scream a mystery
And if we're strangers here, from the day we are born
Why be afraid of freedom if it is yours?

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there;s joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

All the world is calling, calling out my name
All the world is saying it won't be the same
All the sky is showing how it;s gonna be
But I'm scared and I'm tired of being like me...

So truly, if there's light then I want to see it
Now that I know what I am looking for
Truly, if there;s joy then I want to feel it
Here in this world is where I want to be
'Cause I can't cry anymore

Well, it's Sunday and Michael and I went to puck him up a new game and I got a couple of cd's and a movie Michael wanted. Texas Chain saw Massacre.... lol Yes, he and I like horror movies and watch them together. We have fun watching them. I think we like to scare ourselves. LOL

Ok, there are reasons I try and not go to the amazon website. I have two books coming now. LOL AND I preordered LOTR Return of the King. :-) Oh, yeah... I am so ready to see that again! I'm even going to have a LOTR day and that's all I'm going to do. :-) Yep I'll invited some friends over and that's what we'll do is just watch LOTR all day.

"Three Books of Occult Philosophy (Llewellyn's Sourcebook)"
Henry Cornelius Agrippa;Paperback; $27.97

"Witches' All"
Elizabeth Pepper;Paperback; $11.16


For those who don't know Witches All is a lot of good stuff taken from The Witches Almanac of the past. A friend let me borrow from 1977... It's way cool...

Animal Omen:
If you hear an owl hooting in the forest before midnight, it warns of trouble to come. If heard after midnight, it is a sign that death is near.

See I had never heard the distinction on time so this was interesting.

I've been sort of following a trail out of Tyler, Texas. This woman killed 2 of her three children. Now that in itself sounds bad I know. Add to that she did this with rocks! The third child had been attacked too but survived. She has plead not guilty by insanity. Yeah... She said that God told her to kill her children. Now this leads me to the thought... If God is so loving as they say he is then how could he even suggest that they kill their children? Yeah I know there is a story in the Bible along those lines. It makes no sense to me. Why can't she just admit that she is a crazy bitch that didn't want her children or was very stressed and broke. You know... It just makes me sick to think people could do these things.

Friday is another day

Well, today I've sorted a bunch of stuff out. Part of my problem is that when we went to the attorney's office that the attorney said one of us had to be plaintiff. So Tom said list Georgia. Ok, I'm alright with that. Welllll, I was until I realized that since it's an uncontested divorce that only one of us has to go to court. Yep and that one is going to be me because I am the plaintiff even though I am not the one asking for the divorce. Just the thought of being up there in front of people and talking is more than I can stand. I would be happy to take a whole bottle of valium... Only problem is I wouldn't be able to talk then. LOL I told Tom that make I should take two before I go and he said no you never do anything like that in a court room. LOL I know I shouldn't but I can tell you one won't do anything. LOL Ok, it would... It would give me a headache. LOL And make me talk and answer to myself. I do that already but I really have good conversations with myself. ;-)

So, even though he asked for the divorce I'm the one that will be doing all the work to get it. What I mean by that is that I have to go to court. Honestly I think that he doesn't want to go to court for the divorce because he may go to court sometime soon and doesn't want people remembering him from that.

I watched Brother Bear today. I liked the movie even though I disagreed with some of it on a strange level.

I'm watching Horse Whisperer now.... Yeah I'll be crying... Especially the first part of the movie... I made the mistake of reading the book at work. I started crying when the wreck happened.

Today was a horrible day.... even though I did get to see three police officers I know... Still the day sucked. It's was pretty much of the day. All the music except the song from Ninja Turtles and Radar Love made me feel bad. Well not bad but I did feel myself slipping down that slope of depression.

I'm a little tired of trying not to hurt Tom's feelings. Censuring what I say so he doesn't feel worse than he already does but dang it... Why does he want me to help him not feel bad when I feel bad. I have to try and not say something that will make him feel worse than he already does. I need to be able to talk without worrying that he is going to feel even worse. Well, hell it's not easy for either of us. Why does he think that I'm not hurting?

Last night he said I feel like I've let you and Michael down. I'm rather torn on that because on one level I feel that he has done what he has done. We can only let ourselves down. If we give someone else that power then we lose part of our own power. He has hurt both Michael and myself but me only because I let it hurt. Michael I can't speak for. I've tried really hard not to be mean and hateful. It seems though like no matter what I say it gets taken wrong and upsets Tom... I just can't win.

Then I'm feeling trapped. See Tom can run away any time he wants. Like today for example he is on his way to Dallas, returning on Sunday night. Me I'm here, I can't run. Oh and when the divorce goes to court... I'm the one that *has* to appear. He is going to be in Florida. Again avoiding the pain that I have to face. It's not right. All he has to do is sign his name, me I have to go to court and be in front of people I don't know and try not to cry.

The Day After

It's much worse, emotionally, than yesterday. I've listened to Beethoven, Elton John, The Devlins, and some others... They aren't helping. So now I'm listening to the song Radar Love. LOL It's got a good beat what can I say. Ok, that felt pretty good now I'm moving to Black Betty.... nahh... didn't do it for me... Ok, LOL I just ran across the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle's cd I bought for Matt when he was little. LOL MC Hammer, This is What We Do. LOL WooHoo!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ok that song made me smile. I just don't think I can listen to it all day.

Back to Audioslave, I am the Highway.................