Today was a horrible day.... even though I did get to see three police officers I know... Still the day sucked. It's was pretty much of the day. All the music except the song from Ninja Turtles and Radar Love made me feel bad. Well not bad but I did feel myself slipping down that slope of depression.

I'm a little tired of trying not to hurt Tom's feelings. Censuring what I say so he doesn't feel worse than he already does but dang it... Why does he want me to help him not feel bad when I feel bad. I have to try and not say something that will make him feel worse than he already does. I need to be able to talk without worrying that he is going to feel even worse. Well, hell it's not easy for either of us. Why does he think that I'm not hurting?

Last night he said I feel like I've let you and Michael down. I'm rather torn on that because on one level I feel that he has done what he has done. We can only let ourselves down. If we give someone else that power then we lose part of our own power. He has hurt both Michael and myself but me only because I let it hurt. Michael I can't speak for. I've tried really hard not to be mean and hateful. It seems though like no matter what I say it gets taken wrong and upsets Tom... I just can't win.

Then I'm feeling trapped. See Tom can run away any time he wants. Like today for example he is on his way to Dallas, returning on Sunday night. Me I'm here, I can't run. Oh and when the divorce goes to court... I'm the one that *has* to appear. He is going to be in Florida. Again avoiding the pain that I have to face. It's not right. All he has to do is sign his name, me I have to go to court and be in front of people I don't know and try not to cry.