*sighs*

Well I just sat and typed this huge dream up and for some reason blogger decided to lose it. Yep.... The whole damn thing gone. I'm not typing it again. I refuse to. It made me log in again, for what ever reason and the dream which took 35 minutes to type up is all gone.


Oh, I editted this... I'm so excited another dumbass spammer dumping stuff in my blog. Aren't they sweet. I wish them an interesting life.

Mixed Bag

I've gotten back from my trip and am so not ready to deal with the real world. lol However I've got to get things ready for Heather's wedding next week. So I'm already thinking on that. When I went to bed last night my mind was racing so fast I had trouble going to sleep and staying that way. I'm guessing my mind finally settled and I went to sleep and I slept hard. The only reason I woke when I did was my horoscope showed up on my phone and it buzzed waking me. This is part of a dream I had right before waking.

I was at a school though the place looked more like a small shopping area. It was also all girls but we were having a mixer I guess beecause there were guys there. The guys were jerks, seeming to think they were so important. The girls were snooty. They seem to think they were important people too. They all had attitudes of being money. This other girl and I walked into this game room and they only had a table in there. The guys were acting a bit strange. Like something was going on they didn't want us to know about. They were throwing this disks lik things on the table and the game was something about getting the disks to stay on the table. These disks were suppose to be balls but they looked like disks. None of them were getting their to stay on the table. The other girl said let's play Mouse Trap. I said ok but thought it was a little odd. The guys agreed but still they acted like something was going on that I didn't know. So she grabbed the board and set it on the table. It seemed like she was setting it up yet it created it's self. What actually developed was a small stair case, extremely small. Then the idea was to drop a ball on the stair case which it would go down and set off the traps if you messed up, if not then it was ok. The balls that were dropped were really smaller than they should have been but I remember saying that they were to scale with the staircase. We were playing and something happened and the girl started acting weird. She became agressive and was trying to start trouble. I pushed her out of the front door and told her she wasn't going to be allowed to act that way. She tried coming back in and I would hold my hand up and say no or I would push her back. She was becoming more aggressive and I hit her a couple of times. Something I've never done before. Even in my dream I felt bad about doing so. She stormed off and I went back inside. A little time went by and I knew she was up to something. I stepped outside and saw her down at the daycare center telling the woman there that she was this childs mother. She was not the child's mother and she was trying to get the child to hurt the mother. I told the woman that she was not the child's mother. Something I really noticed at this time was that all the women were perfect. Absolutely perfect. Their hair, makeup and clothes. Everything about them. I thought this was very strange. The woman trying to get the child was in a bridal gown and had her veil on though it was not covering her face.

There was more on the front end of this dream but it took place in a store but all these same women were involved.

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I'm so excitd about going to Heather's wedding. I get to see Bella, Heather (for the first time), Pixie and Dirk, and Shonna. I think that's all the Grover's that are going to be there. I can't wait to see them all. It will be my first time in Colorado also. I'm very excited about that too.

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I have strange thoughts running through my head that I can't get hold of. I feel them but couldn't tell you what they are, that is why I say strange thoughts. Sometimes I feel like something is missing in my life. At times I don't notice it. usually I feel it when I have quiet time. That's when I can just sit and let my thoughts go. I guess one of the problems about times like that are that I don't know how valid these feelings are. Valid probably isn't the correct word but I wonder if I feel this way because I can get down so easily. Not that life is bad or anything.

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I got home from my trip all in one piece. No problems finding gas for the car or ny problems on the road, which is good. I enjoyed my time just wished there had been more time. It was needed, this trip. Time to get away from here and relax.

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No there are no deep thoughts in m mind right now. Though I do wish that I knew more of where my life was headed than I know now. Maybe that's the part of life that is the adventure.

Gods, Goddess, or Us

I realized something yesterday. While I was out feeding the fish my mind was racing. Moving around as quickly as the fish were. The whole time I was out there my mind raced. It thought of things I need to do before Tuesday night, things I need to take with me, things going on online, my dad, Tom's stupidity, the yard work that needs to be done, should I wash my car or not, definitely needs vaccumming. All these thoughts in a matter of seconds and they kept moving in my mind. In the background I could hear the waterfalls and the fish eating. Yes they are noisey. The dogs were running around the yard, butterflies all over the place and my mind raced.

My mind actually grabbed a thought that didn't seem like anything would come of it. When I went to bed though, it decided now was when I should explore it. I was too tired and my eyes hurt too much to write it down or even turn the computer back on. This however was what the thought was.

I thought about the discussion that was happening about time. How some saw it and others took a more scientific approach. I realized why I wasn't getting myself involved in that thread. I know that time is not linear. How you say? I have no proof, but I know what I feel inside. So at this time I know it is, say spiral. The point is all the science in the world does not mean it's the way things are. Those things are only what science has found. They know there is more but they don't know how to "prove" it. It seems that a lot of scientist need proof to believe in anything. Funny thing though, do you think atoms needed science to prove they exist? Some things just are. We don't have proof that there is a God/dess. Heck even seeing "diety" could be said a trick of the mind. One night after having just moved into this house in a dream I found myself in complete darkness. Not a scary darkness just darkness. I remember looking around and wondering where I was. There off a little ways in front of me a woman started appearing. I watched as she approached me. I was afraid of her not did I wonder what she was doing here and who she was. She stopped in front of me and smile this incredible smile. She said Inanna and then I woke. It took me a while to find much on her. Did I have an encounter with the Goddess Inanna? Or did I have an encounter with my higherself? *grins*

What is a miracle? Nothing more than something we never thought could happen. People who are healed through touch or going to a sacred place. It's about their belief that they will be healed. They have so much to do with it themselves. Then you ask why doesn't everyone just heal themselves? That is where our beliefs come in. I don't believe that very many people believe they have any say in it. They are here and everything is out of their hands. God gave them this sickness because *insert reason of the day*. So in their belief, if God saw fit to curse them with the disease then they deserve it. I've always had a bit of a different out look on God than those who were around me. It never occurred to me that God did these things to me. It was just things that happened. Now I'll admit that, for example when Sassy almost died so many years ago, I promised God anything and everything if he would let her live. It wasn't that I blamed him but he can heal so why wouldn't he care about Sassy? *grins* I don't feel silly about having done that because it was like a prayer. The vet didn't think she'd make it through the night. She did and was only sick twice in all those years. It wasn't because I asked God to step in that she was healthy, is had to do with her make up and me will. I like to think it was our combined will to stay together that did so.

Why did we need to give diety a name? I guess we needed to be able to discuss diety and it came about. I have no idea. The Gods and Goddesses are known by many names but are they all the same God and Goddess? Is there both a God and a Goddess? Or is there only one with two faces? These are questions that will be different for all of us. We may agree on some points with each other but still we will find that there are little differences.

None of the above matters to anyone but me, see these are the things that make me grow. To question, to find my truth out there with some many other peoples truth bumping against mine.

Happy Birthday Daddy

Today the 17th is dad's 75th birthday. Me and the boys went up to see him. Guy and his family came up also. Dad of course had to be gross like he always does when he wants attention. It was kind of funny because he started talking bad about Tom and mom kicked him under the table. Dad was so funny he looked at her and said why'd you kick me?! lol We all giggled.

He looked better than he has in a while. He was cranky and complained that the Braves sucked this year. He complained the whole time he and the boys watched the game. lol I'm not real sure why he didn't just change the station. OH, mom was telling me that he got all pissy with her because his buttermilk was on a shelf in the refrigerator behind some other stuff. I told her she should just tell him he's lucky it was in the fridge at all. He had Red Velvet for a birthday cake. I have to laugh because he says he doesn't like really sweet stuff but Red Velvet isn't one of those unsweet cakes. lol So things are back to usual for him.

I hope that he lets himself have good days in the time he does have left.

Bright Spot

Ok there will always be a lot of bright spots in my life because that's what I choose to have. HOWEVER, I'm bouncing and excited... I get to take a trip to NC to meet up with my man... I don't like that possessive term of my but I'm not sharing his name so that will... no wait... I'll call him Magic Man... You know like in the song? :-D

Yes I'm tickled and so looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Really nice fella and I enjoy spending time with him.

You know thinking further on those possessive terms I spoke of earlier... I don't think I like any of them. The reason why is nothing is forever, not when it comes to love. I don't mean that love doesn't matter it's just people change and grow. Someone needs to find the incarnate of the person who said people should get married and kick them really hard in the shins. lol

How am I expected to work while I'm all excited like this?!

Ok, I'm going back to bouncing like a crazy person...

It's Only Words

You know I've been thinking about language or maybe I should say words.

The meanings of words can be so easily misinterrupted. One simply word can mean one thing to the person who speaks it and something completely different to the person who heard it. I think there are times when I hear more than in intended and I'm sure others do also. I've had days where I take things completely wrong or everything I say is completely wrong. That was one of the problems with Tom and I. No matter what i said he took it differently than I meant it.

I'm not sure how signals get crossed and confused and misinterrupted but if I wasn't such a jabber jaws I'd take a vow of silence. At some point, sometime in my life I will be able to be understood. I won't have to worry about saying something and having it taken wrong or misunderstood. I think I shall be quiet for a while cause I don't want to be misunderstood anymore.

Probably the only thing in my blog will be things that are simply for me, myself and I. At least i know I won't misunderstand myself.

This That and the Other

In the past I've noticed the way people react to different things that are said. There are things that set them off and you can see they are ready to fight over some strange things. You know, their triggers. Most of the time there isn't much that sets me off to where I will post to a general public. Close friends is one thing but general is a different story.

At one point something that was bashing men was posted. Now normally on the list this happened on we just laughed and someone would post another funny. It would usually be something bashing women. It was all done in fun. Well this happened not long ago and this one woman just went off the deep end about the one bashing women, where she thought the one about men was funny. The man who posted to one about women did so to make a point and he made it well. She enjoyed one about men bashing but turn the tables and she couldn't handle it. I know you wonder where I'm going with this. The point is triggers. We all have them and a lot of the time I don't think we are aware of what they are. We go through life feeling fine and then wham someone hits us with one and we have a knee jerk reaction instead of thinking about why we are feeling this way.

One I have is injustice but not injustice as some of it just seems to big to do anything about. Another when someone doesn't trust my word. If I promise something then I've promised. I feel the anger build inside me when it's questioned. I try to understand their side of things but if we talked about it and I said I promise then that's that to me. I've also found that being forced to do something makes me rebel really bad. It really doesn't matter what it is I just don't like being forced to. I'm more than likely to stay quiet about all these things because once you've said something you can never take it back. So I wind up not saying anything and seething inside over it. I let it build and build. I'm sure there is a healthy way to handle it but each one always seems like it would hurt someone else. You know thats actually a weird out look on it. I would rather hurt myself than someone else? I'm not talking about intentional hurts like telling someone they are a dumbass. I could see where being up front has it's good points.

I'll write more in a few minutes... I've got to get to the office.

Made it to the office only to found out that now spammers are hitting Blogger? Good grief what dickheads.

I think one of the reason I don't tell people stuff up front is that by the time I get to that point I'm usually pissed off and really shouldn't speak to anyone. Plus I always feel it will only inflame a situation. So why do it, ya know? I'm afraid that what would actually come out of my mouth would be a fuck off.

A while back I had written about men that I would never date again. Well really it's the sun sign. lol I decided when I first wrote it that I would revisit my thoughts on those signs. Well the first guy who ever broken my heart was another Cancer. Found another one later and he kind of did the same thing. My fault for letting it happen. So Cancers are still out. Then there is Tom, Scorpio. Things felt like they were getting better with he and I that he was starting to understand he didn't have control anymore. Well, that went down hill. So I will never date a Scorpio. I can't take that intense back and forth they do. Then Gemini, while charming and sweet and loads of fun... They have two faces. Not that it means they are bad by any means. However I can't have the yes/no thing where it happens at the same time. You know things were much easier when I was young and didn't care. I do care now and honestly I wish I could go back to when things didn't sit so close within me.

Thinking on it it's sort of like then I didn't care about love as it had no meaning to me. It was a useless emotion that caused people a lot of pain. So why would I want it? Well somewhere along the way I started understanding it a bit. I can't say I understand a lot of it as it is one of those mysteries. lol There are times I would like to say that if I didn't have someone that I could love by a certain age then that'd be it. However life is interesting and when you say things like that it will through someone at you. It's like an experiement. They people in control watch you and when they see you struggle and regain your footing they throw something in to see how you will react. lol

I was reading a palmistry book several years back and they said on the side of your hand right below your pinky finger there are lines which indicate significant relation ships that will be in your life. I have two and both of these are deep lines. Kind of strange thinking that there could only be two significant relationships in your life. Maybe because it seems every person you are involved with on some level impact your life whether it be good or bad. I believe there is some that is indifferent that will help you somewhere along the way.

Sitting here and trying to understand some things is useless. I'm not use if it's because they don't really matter or I just don't really care.

More later... work calls.

I'm Bad

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Where to go

Another day.... I spent all day becoming aquainted with the document scanner. It's pretty cool actually.

I'm better than yesterday but today feels sad. Oh well, life.

I have trouble understanding why the world has to be a place of such deceit and lies. Why there needs to be mistrust and hate. I don't want the hear that worn out line without the bad you can't know the good... What crap? So, what, are we saying that we can't grow and become more than we are now? We are stuck in the same level forever? I don't think so. I also think that by settling for this line we have already limited ourselves without even giving it a second thought. We've settled. I don't want to settle. I don't want to feel like there will never be growth in how we see others. I don't want to believe that we can continue to feel it's ok to settle. To settle for what we are told we should. Excuse me? We sit there and say things about how different we are. Our beliefs are different yet we still continue to limit ourselves with the same beliefs that we can't change things.

If you can't tell I'm tired of limits. I'm tired of settling. That is my life, I've settled way to long. I want to go, leave here but I don't know where I want to go.

You know those days where things are going really good and then... yeah well there where I am right this second. The bad thing is I think I'm hurt more than anything. Which of course for me hurt is much worse than being pissed off. With anger you can justify feelings of hatred and about anything that can go along with it. When you are hurt, well, it's not as easy. I have thoughts up my sleeve as to how to react and if I find the things I said are true... well I'm thinking real hard on sending an email that will change his life forever. However if I do that then it would be a vengeful thing and I don't know if that's what I really NEED to do.

I swear... it's just one of those days. It really did start out good. I even was enjoying pulling weeds. lol I want to just leave right now. Of course that's my normal reaction to feeling this way. I can't wait to leave the end of this month but I also worry about it.

Hermit Days

I was thinking on the movie Constantine and I started thinking... what if there is a hell as the Christians believe. A place where their evil/bad/whatever would put you in hell people. I've never thought of it before but wouldn't that just be another plane? Just like Summerlands/Heaven and such? Just another plane we move to. I got thinking on how the Christians are taught they would burn in eternity. Well, now since time is not as we think it, I would guess it would be the only word they could come up with. Eternity would not have the same meaning there as here.

And speaking of Time, how did that come about? Just they people noticed the sunrise and the sunset and decided that hey... time! I don't weird stuff is going through my mind right now. I feel like I'm moving into a time of the Hermit. Not in a bad way, not depression which usually puts me there but the need for it. Quiet time, reflective times. I've been staying away from the computer the past couple of days. It's felt good, though cleaning the house isn't fun I think I need the break. Heck being away from the house felt great. At this rate I may be taking more time away from both.

I really need to record a dream I had the other night. I forgot to the other day.

Surgery, extras hands, wine and horses

This morning I slept in and my dream was odd.

In this dream Gay was having some kind of surgery done. She had Misaki (her new puppy) with her and I was going to watch her. I sure this was because I was talking with Gay not long before I went to bed. From this surgery she and I went to wander around. It seemed like we were at a place that would be holding a Pow Wow. The Native American folks were there setting stuff up. Of course they were just in average clothes. It seemed like Gay knew these people. We walked into this one room and the folks in their were selling bicycles. However no one was allowed to touch the bicycles just the people selling them. Since they knew Gay they let her in the room where the bikes were, she had to put on gloves to touch them though. So we were talking to the people and somehow we all wound up sitting with about 3 of them. I wound up under a blanket laying my head in this guys lap. It was like I knew him or something. He was holding me. Then there was a strange thing. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and he gripped hands. I looked down and noticed that he was holding his own hand. I laughed and he said that's not your hand? I laughed and said no. The reason it this weird was he held up his hands and there was one extra hand. That ended.

Then I was being driven down the road and turned unto this other road and I saw a bicyclist crash in the roadway. He didn't hit anything I saw but I saw him lose control and crash. There was another cyclist riding with him, he looked back but kept going. Another man who seemed to be standing in the road went to his aid. The guy that crashed wasn't moving. I tried to get the driver to stop so we could help, but they didn't. I said I have to at least call 911. When I called this woman said they already knew. She wasn't very friendly either. All of this dream took place at night time in the dream.

Then I was at this place with these people. It was a man and woman. It seemed like I was living or staying at their house. These people came into my space which seemed a little weird but it was their place so I didn't say anything. The man went off with some guy that was there with me. I never saw the guy or the husband. The wife was walking around and I was following her, we were talking. She picked up this huge glass container that had wine in it. The mouth of this container was very wide and flat where the liquid should come out all the way across. It was about two feet wide. The wife lifted the container and took a drink. I expected the wine to go all over the place but it didn't. It simply went into her mouth. She took a couple of drinks and then offer me a drink. I lifted the container and was afraid it would pour all over me. It didn't though, not one drop. One thing that stood out is I don't remember any liquid in my mouth. She drove me somewhere and I saw some horses. I noticed that one was very skinny horse and I got upset and said that I was not going to stand by and watch the horses starve. She said fine but she was going. I got out of the car but the paint horse that had ben so skinny wasn't skinny anymore. I went to the barn to check the other horses out. There were some skinny ones but there were others who were having boredom problems. They weren't being taken out of their stalls. I walked around with a notebook taking notes. I saw one horses standing out in the rain still saddled but he was in a open stall. I walked around there and this cowboy came over real quick saying he just put him in there for a moment. I was going to explain that I didn't own the place but just smiled and walked on. I came to a large open stall that had 3 horses tied in it. The first horse was tied properly. The next horse was tied with a rope around his flanks. This horse moved forward and the rope tightened around his flanks and he started bucking. I was saying whoa to him and trying to make him stop. He kicked out and his rear feet with through the boards and were stuck. I got him to stop thrashing and asked for a knife to cut him loose with. The person didn't want to have the horse cut loose so held the knife behind me a bit so I couldn't. I finally got the knife and cut the rope. Then I woke up.

Dreams Remembered

When I went to bed last night I was tired and ready to sleep. So what should happen when my head hit the pillow? I remembered my dream from Thursday night. I needed to record it was I wrote it down.

Thursday Night Dream 9/1/2005

I remember a place that was a house behind a house. This second place was old. There was even a cemetary there. Only a few graves that I could see. The people in the first house were rich and owned all this area.

Actually there were several buildings on this property. The people didn't speak to me in the dream but I knew that they were fixing each building up (restoring) when they had the money too. There was a walking path amoung these buildings. Some had been restored and were nice. You could see where the restoration ended. I got to the first one that hadn't been restored and then I found myself on a dirt path. Behind this building was a field. In this field there were things almost like clothes line traps. There were also 2 small children. They were the pour peoples kids. They told me their daddy was working on the van. I looked around and saw a faded red van with a couple of windows missing. I didn't see their dad around so I asked where he was. They just shrugged their shoulders. So we played together for a bit. We were running around, up and down the terraced field. Someone called out and they were gone. Then other people showed up, friends of mine and then my car wouldn't start. After this there was just us trying to get the car running. I just don't remember it clearly.

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Now last night I woke up 4 different times and can tell you I'm tired this morning. I was able to record the first dream as the others either faded when I woke or something.

Friday Night Dream 9/2/2005

I was in an elevator that was huge. It was probably 20' x 20' and glass. There were a few women in the elevator with me and then a man appeared in the back. Dark haired man, quiet, watchful, and he made me nervous. When the doors opened the dream shifted.

Michael and I were sitting in the living rom watching tv. I was nervous about someone breaking in the house so I was ready to shoot. I had my gun half cocked. I kept watching the hallway that led to the side door and there is a set of stairs going down to the basement. I kept thinking that someone may come up from there. As we were sitting here I heard my dad's voice. I didn't know what he said but was surprised to here his voice. I listened and heard him again. This time I heard what he said plus he came around the corner so I could see him. He didn't look like himself but it was his voice. He kept looking down the steps like he thought he saw something and that made me nervous. Then he said "You have those ole Schlage locks on your doors like I have on my garage". He kept looking down the steps like he could see movement cause he kept moving his head trying to get clearer sight. I said what the heck are you doing here? I was so surprised bcause mom wasn't with him and he seemed so strong. As he came towards me an old white haired man came up the steps and the must have merged or something. I remember seeing him walk right next to dad and then he was gone. When dad started towards me he said he wanted to see me. He came and gave me a big hug and then sat down next to me. I said i know. I was worried about the old man and where he went. There was a telepathic message between my dad and I . He said it was ok he wouldn't bother me. At this point dads appearance changed. He went from normal and healthy looking to a bag of bone. His skin hung on his bones which could be seen through his skin. He was hunched over. I got him to sit next to me and I was so happy he was there. I wanted him to know that I had been coming to visit him every night but astral travel. I wanted him to know I had been watching over him. So, I started to tell him and tears welled up in his eyes and he said I don't want anyone to see me like this. I was trying to tell him it was ok not to worry, it didn't matter as it was only Michael and I. Then he started slouching really low on the sofa and began to cry in ernst. I turned and pulled him into my arms. Then I woke.

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I have to say the last dream left me afraid.

Katrina

Very sad stuff this hurricane Katrina did. All the people displaced and the dead. The people waiting to be rescued from house tops and etc. Then people shooting at the rescuers. *sighs* This is ridiculous. Looters stealing non-essential stuff. I can't say I'd call someone taking food from stores as looters. They have to survive. Heck even taking medical stuff from a drug store or other stores, those are necessary things.

I have trouble believing that people feel they have the "right" to loot stores. Notice I show a difference between looting and taking. What's with the car jackings? I guess that is ok too... It's time for them to take the city back.