Sunday, Sunday


Ah yes... I've been sleeping really hard lately when I do sleep. I had this interesting dream that was something to do with something more like night school. The night school that we sometimes go to to learn things. Well here is the dream.

I think I learned something last night in a dream. Since I've never dealt with spirits in any way other than saying oh my God I saw one. *grins* Last night my dream had me in a house that had an unhappy spirit in it. It was a man who was very angry. I found my self sleeping and things were happening in my dream state I was aware of. He was trying to possess me to a point. It was like he wanted to say something but no one was hearing him so he wanted to use me to be heard. I was fighting him in my sleep and started calling for my dad (who looked nothing like my dad). Finally my dad came over and was holding me. I was trying to tell him that there was a spirit in the house that wanted us out. He just tried to hush me. I could see lights being turned on and off behind him and asked if he could see it. I could see down the hall another room where the lights were being turned off and on. There were a couple of old folks in there who I didn't recognize. Finally I got my dad to see what was happening and he decided to get me out of there. I told him I knew someone who could get rid of this spirit. When we got to the door my dad had to duck down to get out of the room. The door was all of a sudden like a half door that would go into the attic. The spirit let my dad out but tried to keep me there. I was holding the door with both hands and was finally able to get out. I went down the stairs and it was like the woman I had spoke of was walking behind me talking. She was telling me about why spirits are like they are. I turned to see she was on the tv screen, I got the feeling she had taped this for me. She said for them it is like having a walkie talkie that doesn't work they try and try to make it work but can't. She said it's like talking into a black hole. She also said anger could not be used to send them on their way. It worked opposite. Like it gave them more power to hang on.

The woman had short hair, bleached blonde, you could see it was dark at one time.

I don't know it was a weird dream.



Then the night before I dreamed a friend of mine was in a wheel chair and when her husband pushed her up to the table I had moved over to make room for her. I reached over and rubbed her back. She said I don't like being touched and you know it. She was rather rude about it. LOL So I said well can I touch your hair. I was just trying to help her relax. I gave up and woke. Then last week sometime I had such a real dream that I'm still trying to figure out if it was dream or something that really happened. A woman picked up my crescent moon necklace and my pentacle saying they were beautiful. The thing is I can't remember anyone touching me.

Ah, what a day...

I'm feeling satiated right now...

I cleaned the kitchen, have one more load of wash to do, I've had my shower... Let me say for the record I love my shower. It's better than sliced bread. I could stay in there for hours. I love my spa tub too but after a while I start sweating and am ready to get out. LOL Sometimes I stay in the tub past wrinkly fingers time and the water will be cold. LOL I do some really great meditating in there. I drag the cd player in there find some good music and put it one. Nothing like it. It's really cool.

I've decided that I will not hide from love should it come looking for me. This is a growth period for me and time for me to take chances. To let life happen without feeling like I have to be in control it. I've hidden for love long enough. I want to experience it again. I want the emotions. I want it all.

It's Saturday and beautiful outside. I'm sitting here watching history be made... Yes WG is going to hit 5000 post in the shortest month of the year. LOL

I've thought about the obit thing and well... It doesn't interest me. Not that I'm afraid of dying, I've just never been really poetic, nor a Bard. About as far as I could get was She lived and she died. Not that there has been anything bad in my life it's just hard sometimes to figure out how to put into words what you want to say. So I just didn't come up with anything that deserved to be posted. LOL

I had a long talk with a friend I hadn't spoken to in over a year. She is back to her old self and living life again. She had been put on anti depressants and they weren't helping her. The doctors just kept upping the dosage. So she stopped taking the medication and feels much better now. She has a "psychic" that lives a few houses down from her and she was telling me that one of her friends went to see the lady. This lady had the gall to ask the woman if she had more than the $40.00 she charged for the reading. The girl said yeah I just cash my paycheck. The woman said well to give you a really good reading, one that will really help you I need $400.00 !!!! Now I think this woman should be run out of business. She gives every person that reads a bad reputation. Luckily the girl wasn't stupid enough to fall for it. Anyway so I think one day my friend and I are going to see The Mel Gibson movie... forgot the name already. LOL

Ok, off to do some laundry.

Is this the Mindbender ride?

Today has gone fairly well. Tom and I went to lunch but before he could hardly sit down Dallas called him. I'm really torn on how I feel about it. I don't know if it's that I feel it's rude or if somewhere I'm a bit jealous. Today though after I did the banking I mailed a letter off to my dear Edan. So maybe he will get his letter by Wednesday or Thursday next week.

So everything was feeling pretty good but I noticed on the way home I started getting a little aggressive towards the other drivers who I obviously think can't drive. I come in the read emails and see that FtE finally showed up but I didn't even feel like saying hi. I know I'm sick. *smiles* Now I'm feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster called the mindbender. I'm up one nano second and down the next. I really don't like this emotional rollercoaster. I want to cry but then don't. LOL

While Tom and I were having lunch we had another one of those dating conversations. He said he was scared and excited. I just smiled. He said I'm really scared but not enough to stay. I'm not really freakin sure how I feel about that comment. He said he wasn't one to be by themselves. He asked if I had thought about it yet. I said no I think I might like some time for me. He looked rather surprised but he understood what I meant. Laurence made a good point to me about rejecting love out of hand so quickly cause Goddess may have other plans. *grins* I'm sure she does. Am I a person who could be alone? I don't really know. Maybe... maybe not. Really it's great to wake up in someone's arms. Of course it's been ages since that happened... so having that again would be good. Tom made me smile when he said he was shy. He had mentioned that to Dallas and she told him he wasn't. LOL So we talked about it and I said I was too and he said no you aren't. I said yes I am, it's only when I'm comfortable that I'm not. He raised his eyebrow and said well then I've never seen you in an uncomfortable situation. I guess he never noticed that I drew my strength from him when we were together in strange places. He just assumed that I stood on my on I guess. It isn't true.

Maybe the crying shower would be good...

It's FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh yes a rough life. I didn't work yesterday. I told Tom the walk way to the garage was to treacherous.
:-D Well I didn't get pictures of the snow, battery was dead on the camera. *sighs* I'll live though. ;-)

Today is overcast and cold. Not a very pretty day but it seems this day is holding something special. I can feel it. There is an excitement in the air. Just wish I knew what it was about. LOL Saoirse email about the passport this morning reminded me that I wanted to get one... Michael wants one too. I could think of all kinds of places to go if I had one. One thing though, I don't know about traveling by myself. I've never done that and well that makes me nervous. Heck I can get lost in another country and never be heard from again. Heck I can get lost going to another state!

Tom and I went to Florida one year and I thought while he was in class I would go see an old home that I had lived in. I found the place without any trouble. I was really tickled. On the way back to the hotel though was a different story. I found myself on I-75 northbound. LOL So luckily I remembered the hotel number and said excuse me but I'm lost. LOL I think somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that I needed to get out of Florida. I've never liked the place... So there I was headed back to Georgia. LOL

So see I'm dangerous when left unattended. ;-)

The Country Test.....

http://bluepyramid.org/ia/cquiz.htm

You're Ireland!
Mystical and rain-soaked, you remain mysterious to many people, and this makes you intriguing. You also like a good night at the pub, though many are just as worried that you will blow up the pub as drink your beverage of choice. You're good with words, remarkably lucky, and know and enjoy at least fifteen ways of eating a potato. You really don't like snakes.

WooHoo! It snowed very early this morning. :-) I think we only got a couple of inches but it managed to shut down all the schools in the area. Glad I went grocery shopping yesterday. The weather dude said we had thundersnow. Not sure what that means but apparently we had something similar to a thunderstorm that was snow instead of rain. It's so pretty outside. Everything is white and the birds are chirping. They said we would get another dose of snow later today also. Woohoo might get to have a total of 4 inches. ;-) 4 inches isn't enough... In many ways, 4 inches isn't enough. :-)

I'll try to get some pictures later. I need Tom to show me how to turn the resolution on the camera down. LOL

It has gotten funnier... Today has been horrible for Tom. After his computer died this morning he started making a negative list. This list is of everything negative that has happened since I cast the spell. LOL It just too damn funny. The court reporter I talked about.... Well she lost one of her favorite earrings down the drain of her shower. Now I'm finding this all absolutely hysterical. What is funny is that he is trying to decide if I did something else instead of what I said. So this morning I lit a candle for money and we got a big check in the mail. SO I pointed out to him that that was a good thing. LOL

It's just kind of funny that he is nervous.

Our conversations have gotten really interesting. He told me that the court reporter, we'll call her Dallas, called him. I said so this means I can let all my men call me. He looked kind of funny and said well as long as you don't use all your minutes up. LOL So now we are having the dating talk. We even had the condom talk. Now that was funny. LOL He says you remember how hard it was to know what your date was thinking? *giggles wildly* No I don't remember NOT knowing what they were thinking. I always knew! So this is really starting to be more and more fun.

Well it's Wednesday. The weather man is saying we may see some snow maybe a winter mix tonight or tomorrow. Which probably means we won't.

Now I know that Mab is wondering why I would say she was one of my heroes. Well, It's because she has such a drive to make the world a better place. Not just for herself, but for everyone. She shares her wisdom with everyone. She is a very sweet and caring person, even to a fault at times. I could go on but she'll be embarrassed as it is.

Now, Tom's laptop just died. This is really not a good thing. He keeps a lot of information on it. Especially stuff that's been done in the past couple of days. He is not a happy camper right now.

Oh I forgot! I was doing a spell earlier. I had written it and burned the paper in this clay cauldron I have in the office. I had forgotten to take it outside and Tom had gone up to my desk. He found the burned paper and called me and asked what I was doing. I said what do you mean. He went on to say he found the burned paper and asked if I was hiding something. I said no I did a spell. Well he got all kind of freaked out and wanted to know what kind of spell. LOL So finally I said what did you ask me for? He sat there. Then I had to remind him that he asked me to help him find a girlfriend. He said but I didn't give you any specifics. LOL *grins* I said I know, but I know what you are looking for.

So he messaged the court reporter I talked about earlier and told her. Well she freaked out thinking I did it to her. I said you did tell her no didn't you... He said yeah I did.

Simple little thing and he was freaked out. Me I'm tickled cause now he is worried what I might do to him. I do have to admit the devilish part of me came out when he walked in the house. He said what did you really do? I grinned at him and looked at his crotch... :-D What can I say I do have an evil side. LOL No I didn't do that to him. *grins*

You know I found out something about myself tonight. Two beers and I feel light headed! How sad is that?! Now I'm feeling all layed back, relaxed... sleepy even. LOL I can't help it... I think the last time I drank anything alcoholic was.... ummm.... maybe 3 years ago. *grins*

Michael drove us around all night. He needs the practice so he can get his drivers license. He did really good tonight.

Ah the life of a non-drinking person.

What else has happened since this morning... Ummm... Well not a lot.. Oh Tom and I were going to go to lunch and he called me from the house and said oh Danny just got out of court so I'm having lunch with him instead. *sighs* That really annoyed me. I know, but we went everywhere together and now I'm starting to feel shut out.

I haven't been feeling good , sinus trouble, I think... Now I'm thinking it's not only that but I believe my ulcer is back. It's been a long time since my ulcer has acted up but this feels like that. That isn't why I started this blog though. The sinus thing had me in a hot shower sitting on the floor with the water falling on my head. It helps for some reason.

As I sat there enjoying the hot water falling on my head my brain was busy working. I came up with something that I thought was great. A Happy Divorce Vacation. Yep... but this vacation is paid by Tom for me. It has the potential for being a bit healing too. So there I sat on the floor on the shower contemplating this. Tom walks in and says "what are you doing!" I said well my head was hurting and nothing was helping so I decided to let the hot water work for me. He laughed and just shook his head. I thought well let's see what he thinks about the HDV. So I stood up and told him my thought. He started laughing and said I was original that he had never heard of a HDV. He then realized I was serious. He said it sounded like a good idea and would even give me spending money. LOL It makes a lot of sense to me. I was sitting there before he came in thinking about where I would want to go. Let me say that I was lost because I thought of all the people I'd like to go visit. Then wondering how much time I'd need to do that. LOL Tom said where would you go? I said I don't know yet. I have thoughts on one place I'd like to go, well actually two places but for different reasons.

He has been infatuate by this court reporter that he met in Dallas. So he has been talking to her a little bit. The funny thing is he has been telling her about me. Last night he said yeah one thing about being married to a witch, things aren't normal. LOL I take that as a compliment. *grins* He had to qualify that statement to her. After I told him about the Borders conversation on the sexual part I didn't share with y'all. He said I can't wait to tell her about that. He keeps asking me if I've found a boyfriend yet. I keep saying no and I haven't been looking. I'm sitting here right now thinking I'm not sure I want another man around for a while. One to play with yeah, but more of a play and then leave type. Of course the way I am I'd be better off just not having one around at all until I'm ready to have one around. I just don't know. I'm not really ready to worry about that right now.

Went to the Borders Pagan meeting last night. The topic was Amulets, fetishes, and talismans. It's interesting on the differences in people thoughts of each. I must say that fetish really was funny. Being as we had pagans there it of course turned sexual. We were having such a great time discussing it. We had the Kennesaw College pagans group show up which was kind of interesting too. They were so surprised and glad to have found us. They showed up after we got tables all set up so Scott the moderator ask Dan and I to move and add a table. The way he put it though was if these two lovely people would move their asses and get another table. So I made a comment jokingly about his rudeness and he said but I said lovely first. LOL Kevin who is Norse pops up and says well Georgia tell him to fuck off. I turned and smile and said Kevin I have to keep my reputation in tack. He laughed and said I've known you too long for you to use that! LOL Gotta love those Norse folks.

One of the lady's had just finish some sexuality class and she was sooo high on the feelings that the class opened. No she has never done drugs. LOL She was really being touchy. She finally said I've been fighting the urge to touch your hair and I said go for it it feels good. LOL So she petted me for about 20 minutes. She Was so funny.

We had some rather sexually explicit conversation that I won't repeat for people who may read this and get upset.

I got a really good shoulder and neck massage.

Hmmm maybe Amulets, Fetish and Talismans would be a really good topic. NO MAB! I don't know anything... I swear!!!! LOL

You know something that really annoys me? I emailed this paralegal for some information on a vehicle that Tom needs to do a examination on. Simple email. VIN, year make and model of the vehicle. I sent this email at 11:00 he picked it up at 11:30 then didn't bother answering it. Tom has gone out to do the exam. It's over an hour there so if this guy doesn't call he has spent his firms money for nothing. It takes 2 minutes to get the information I asked for. I know the file is on his desk cause we spoke earlier. *sighs*

So, now I'm at the house feeling sick and annoyed. I feeling needy. LOL That's the best way to put it. Kind of like just wanting your momma.. I think it's because I didn't get much sleep last night. The last time I played all night I was sick as a dog the next day. It's weird and I don't know what that's about.

On an up note I have only one more bank statement to enter and Tom's books will be up to date.

Life is good, but I'm not feel ing well this morning. My stomach is upset and that is annoying to me. I'm just going to whine for a minute. My neck hurts from sleeping on it wrong. Sleeping... well you could call it napping. Tom picked up a cold from his trip, of course blamed me. Then I pointed out he was on an airplane not me. Anyway so he coughed all night and refused to take any cough medicine cause he doesn't' like the way it taste. So we went to bed at 11:00pm, I woke up at 12:00, at 1:28, at 2:45, 3:00, 3:15, 4:20. Then I slept until 5:00... In that time I had one of those what the hell dreams. Then I woke at 5:50 and had to get up at 6:30. I'm freakin tired and grumpy about my lack of sleep.

The dream:

I met up with my cousin Maria at a gas station and she was working at a diner. She said I could come live with her. I only had a couple of boxes in my arms and I got in a car that was a half of a convertible. In other words the front seats were covered but the backs seats weren't. It started to rain but the convertible top didn't work. I had put my stuff in and then the scene changed. I was walking on a campus towards an apartment building with Maria and my stuff. There were a lot of people and it seemed we were going against their flow. They were walking dogs and just milling around. So we were talking and Maria said "Mom found you an apartment too". I remember feeling rather defeated about the whole thing. So we went to Maria's apartment and her dog (which she doesn't have) ran out to greet us. So she said I think that's your apartment over there and pointed across the hall. I said oh ok but was told no my apartment was on another hallway. So I turned and followed what seem like my mother and she took me to this little building out front of the apartments. I said it looks awful small to me. She tried to reassure me that it was ok. It wasn't even as tall as I am and barely wider than a bath tub. She open the door and there was a bench in it. I said where is the bathroom. She showed me that there was a hole in the bench to use. I said No this is will not do. We stood back up and I could see into the other room. There was a guy and his girlfriend making out. They looked up at us and laughed. I said well I guess this is good if you are a voyeur... And they laughed saying they didn't mind. I turned and said this room will not do. SO then I was following the landlord back down the hall my cousin's room was on. She said well we have this room but I don't know that you'll like it. I said my only concern then was that if the door to the stairs were open then my door was blocked. So Maria cameout of her room and the landlady let us in. There all of a sudden was a maid vacuuming the carpet. It was strange cause the vacuum wasn't doing a very good job and was picking up stuff from the top and not the bottom. So Maria jumped over it and then I did. This room was fully furnished, very nice and large. I walked around looking at everything. The kitchen was tiny, I mean like you faced one counter and turned around and didn't have to take a step. LOL I said Fine I like it. Then they said well there is a little problem with it. The man who lived here might not want you here. She finally said that he was a ghost. I said that's no problem. So she left and some how friends came over AND the apartment came with a dog. LOL Yep... there was this little dog there. He was friendly but something was wrong in the way he acted. The furniture was all leather nice furnished place. The whole back wall was windows, that looked out over a lake and something else I can't remember. As I was looking around the other people who had come over had gone to get some food stuff. One guy stayed behind and I didn't pay much attention to what he was doing. I took on an observer mode in the dream and could see he was doing something against me, magickal work. He had some kind of stone amulet... reddish color around his neck. I felt something behind me and turned to see the ghost coming towards me but he had a knife that he through at me. He said something about leaving. I put my hand up and said no and the room seem to shake with something like a shock wave. You could see the distortion. The ghost went away and I decided he had to go. So I started doing my work on getting rid of him and some how got him trapped in something similar to a dream catcher. It was red, it had three strings hanging down but the center didn't have much running through it. So I asked my cousin to go ahead and finish with her Catholic ritual. She said something like excuse me while I turn you over (to the ghost) and flipped the red thing over and sat on it. She said some stuff I really didn't hear and he was gone. LOL

then Tom woke me up hacking and coughing.

Today is a beautiful day, of course the rain is suppose to come in late this afternoon. Figures... oh well, I love the rain too. My cats are being so weird today. They are demanding attention. I even had all three of them up against me at the same time. LOL I made cinnamon rolls this morning. I love the smell of them. Michael has just scarfed two of them down.

I slept horrible last night. I finally fell asleep around 4:00am, and got up at 8:00am. So I'm tired this morning. Well really now it's almost noon but I'm still tired.

When we went to bed last night Tom and I talked some more. We have always had some strange conversations. LOL So I asked him if he was going to call me after he had sex with someone new. He said yes, that's why I asked you that question earlier. I can say that we are going to have some really strange conversations yet! I also told him of the man who said he thought I was my son's sister. LOL Then Shewolf was shocked at how old I am and I told him that too. I think he is starting to realize some things he hadn't before.

I'm off need to do laundry. I'm not motivated.

We went to dinner and had a pretty good time. The waitress that we always ask for is Nicole, she is really great. We usually go in at lunch and she has time to sit down and talk with us. She had pictures of her horse and her daughters pony. LOL Then on the way home Tom and I were talking and he asked if we were going to be friends after we get divorced. I said I had hoped so. He said so I can call you and ask your opinion on things and you won't get all freaked out. LOL I said yeah, you can call me. Silly man.

Oh don't look so surprised. It's not like we hate each other. 23 years of being together, I mean I couldn't imagine not being friends.

So we get back to the house and just relax both playing on our computers. Strange, nothing much has changed.

Today is much better than yesterday. I did wake up with a sinus headache but took some meds then fell asleep for a couple of hours. I woke up look at the clock and thought oh I have to get up ad get ready so I can meet Shewolf.

So I got over to Charlotte's Web where Shewolf was at. I walked in and there she was with the cutest little one. I really don't have the words for how wonderful she was. Let me tell you her little boy is so smart. He counted to 100 and was headed for 200 but lost count. He told me he could count to 1000 but not 2000 or 3000. :-) We played with a pen and read his Thomas the Train book. As they were packing to leave Shewolf had to go out to their car for a moment so he stayed with me and we built a block out of these really cool magnets. :-D Thank goodness she had a boy cause I'd have lost with a little girl. LOL Oh and this cute young blonde girl came in to meet Shewolf and Shewolf's son was flirting. LOL He kept saying hello until she spoke to him. *giggle*

I came home and Charles' book was in my mail box. So now I have that to read. :-) Then dear dear friend sent me a letter that was just wonderful.

I'm in a much better mood today.

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night

That's I am the Highway by Audioslave, well it's the chorus from the song. :-) I should remember that when I'm feeling down. I'm not someone's anything, I am my own self. If that makes sense.

Tom got back from Dallas, Tx. He was in a deposition against Ford Motor Company. 7 hours worth of depo. He always loves giving depos. He came home talked for about an hour then said he had to go to the gym so off he went on his motorcycle.

Life is strange. Still he is like nothing is happening between us. It is very strange but I will deal with it I guess. I don't know what to think really. I know this has to happen for growth to take place. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I mean 23 years is a long time to be with someone, you know? I know what to expect out of him, even when I didn't like his response. I didn't expect him to say I want a divorce. The thing is years ago we weren't getting along and he said I'm staying until the boys turn 18. Then in 2000 we almost got a divorce, he was heartbroken. He didn't want to lose me, he wouldn't say it to me but to every guy he knew. So we got back together. I had resolve during that time when we thought we were headed for a divorce. He was upset because I was not showing emotions, neither was he though. So we get back together. I asked about him saying he wanted to divorce me when the boys were 18 and he said well you said the same thing. I said well yeah because that's what you said. He said that's not what he wanted so I thought we were through that. I guess I was wrong.

So I face a world of unknown yet exciting times. I wonder where this will lead me. What if I can't do this? You know the normal questions that arise out of the unknown. I'm changing and it's scary.

What happens when someone tries to come into my life? Will I let them or will I be to worried about what may happen. What if I'm not ready to let anyone in? Then I drift off to the question of love. What is it really? I think on this.

So I've been sitting here contemplating younger men. Well we are talking about it on WG so I'm busy thinking about it.

Is it about love, or lust? Either, neither or both? Is it implausible for a younger man to fall in love with an older woman or vice versa? Is it wrong? If so, then why? If not, then why?

Let's tackle the love issue first. Love is possible, but is a younger person's love more fleeting than an older persons? Maybe... I really don't think age can stand in the way of love, true love. I'm not talking love/lust, I mean real honest to Goddess love. Lay down your life for that person love. A love that has followed you through life times. A love, when you first speak or see the person you know beyond doubt that the person is part of your soul/heart.

Now lust... There is nothing wrong with lust, except it burns out. You start seeing the persons negatives and not be able to get past them as part of that person. At this point you really probably want nothing more than a good fuck. Not that a good fuck is bad either if that's all you are interested in. With either Love or lust you have time committed to that person. A bond has been created. Maybe not one that you can physically see but it's there. Lust can happen at any age.

So now we have both love and lust. Yes, lust being usually the first thing that gets you there. Maybe the first to go too. Good lusty love is a fine thing to have as long as you know that's what it is. Don't' bet the farm on it lasting.

I guess usually you figure that the younger man has nothing to offer in financial stability, lacks maturity and so forth. All of these are possible. They could even just being playing with you. Not like an older woman wouldn't stoop to playing games either. Could both just being using the other to say they were dating an Older/younger person? Don't know the answer to that.

Would I be comfortable dating a younger man? I would have to say it depended on the man. If he was mature acting then no. If he acted like he was 12 then hell yeah. LOL That'd be the kind you just have around for sex cause that's probably all they will want from you anyway. Heck I know so older men who act worse than a 12 year old would. LOL You get the point though.

I have decided we have some really great and fun differences between the US and UK.... In our usage of words. It's even more fun when we realize that our words may be causing the folks across the pond to either be shocked or laughing their arses off at us. I could just go on and on about fanny cause that one just really makes me laugh. Pants is another funny though.

I just love Witchgrove, we have such a good time when things so simple as language. Plus everyone is supportive of each other. There are days that they keep me sane and definitely make me laugh. Laughter is such an important thing and I think a lot of times it's over looked. We try to grow up and forget to laugh. Then those people turn into old unhappy, nasty people. Now laughing doesn't mean you may not turn into an old unhappy nasty person but I think it's less likely to happen.

I just realized that we all at Witchgrove having been gushing about Cerr having a little boy.... She hasn't even updated her Blog to announce it! I say we ban her from the loo.... That'll teach her not to gush on her blog about her baby boy. ;-) Love you Cerr!

Well, evening has rolled around and today was just... there... Nothing bad happened which is a good thing.

This morning seems a little reflective to me. I look outside and the sky is a beautiful blue with no clouds. It's 36 degrees which is a little cool for me but it's really pretty outside. I hear the hawk hunting.

I'm tired, feeling a little concerned that the sadness will be back. I'll be doing what I can to keep that from happening. Not that sadness is a bad thing, it's just another emotion that we usually try not to feel, to deny. We try to only feel the "good" emotions. Funny how we do need them all. We need to experience these to help us be here. Someone told me once just feel the emotions don't try and stop them. The thing is I don't want to feel these emotions. I know I need to but then I'd be admitting things I don't want to admit.

Today... Well it was interesting. It started out fairly well. My oldest son called and wanted to have lunch so we did. I'm glad that he is finally growing up. He really is a great guy. Anyway, so I got back to the office and started listening to music and it hit me. Sadness, horrible sadness and I wanted to cry. Well I did but just a little. I hate to cry. My friends are great and sent energy wanting to help. I found out later I wasn't the only one who was having such a strange day. It's in the stars. The movement of the planets. I just wanted to hide and forget whatever it was. I took a nap and felt a bit better.

Now I'm bored. Still a little teary. I may take one friends advice and get in the shower and just let the tears flow. At least they will be gone. I hope. I've been reading on Sacred Sexuality. Still need more information to be able to talk about it. It's very interesting so far.

My mind wanders to a man named Edan. He is quite wonderful though being the person I am I still wonder if he truly loves me. Oh, he will be annoyed when he reads this but there has to be somewhere that I can write what is on my mind. Probably shouldn't put my thoughts here. I'll see what I think tomorrow.

Yeah I am in control of my life. I guess I'll see how things go from here on. Hopefully there will be growth and I won't become stagnant again.