I've been thinking. About the different wiring in men and women's heads.

I had decided the other night that I could no longer be there to help Tom with his relationship. There were things he was saying that were hurting too much and I was letting it build up inside of me. He has tricked me a couple times since then into talking about her. Last night was one of those times. We had gone out to dinner, Tom is good company but when he starts about her it's the same stuff I've been hearing and it's not helping him or me. So last night he started about how she was all over him when they are together. I mentioned that I felt that was completely wrong because I was never allowed PDA. He said don't start that you can't compare our relationship with hers and mine. I said why? He said it's different. I said no you always said no PDA. He said no only when I was in uniform. I said no you said anytime. He brushed it off and said it was unfair to compare the beginning of our relationship with this new one. I still don't see it. He kept up the PDA thing until 4 years ago when we got back together. Then it was ok to hold hands or kiss him in public. Shortly after that it went back to no PDA. So I don't see the difference. Well it made me cry. He said don't start doing that. Well you know what I was in public and no more wanted to than to shoot myself in the foot. So that ended the talk of his relationship.

Still though how did their wiring get to be so different than ours. I mean he says that he hopes that when I have relationship problems that I can talk to him about it. How is he going to take it when I say that some other guy makes my boat rock like he never did? That I've never felt like this before? That he is perfect and nothing like Tom? Knowing Tom it will hurt his feelings and he won't want me to talk about it. He wouldn't like to hear about some guy having a bigger penis. Yet I am suppose to be able to be detached from these same types of comments. Like I'm not looking back on our marriage thinking then why the hell did I stay with him or him with me. Though I guess when he started the thing about divorce so many years ago I should have gone on. I was too afraid too. Then he started saying when Michael turns 18 I'm divorcing you. Look he couldn't make it to 18. *grins* I don't know. I guess I just wonder why we stayed to together if we were both so unhappy. I think we were both scared.

I've just got to get this out of my system. I thought things were going fairly well as far as me dealing with things but I was only kidding myself. I was hiding from all of it I guess.

I've been trying to help Tom with this thing with Dallas. So for two weeks we've been going out every night having dinner and I am his sounding board. I'm good at this shit but it's starting to hurt too much. It's not even him telling me about sex with her that bothers me, that I can be detached from. The things that are killing me are such simple things yet seem to hurt the most. One night while he and I talked it comes out that he didn't think I appreciated anything he gave me. Which is bullshit but that's how he felt. Then there is that he and I are buds and he doesn't love me anymore. Well, I understand the not romantic love, but I love my friends. Then he tells me how wonderful she is to be around. I guess that means that he thought I was horrible to be around. They have fun so I'm guessing he and I never did. She enjoys making love. Like I didn't? Ok I'll give him that I didn't enjoy making love with him but that's because of some weird little things he was getting into. When I had my doubts he would get pissed off and I'd give in and not enjoy myself, so what good is that? He was never romantic with me and proudly announced that he wasn't a romantic guy. Now he is all romantic and stuff? I wasn't allowed PDA, so I gave up trying. Now that is my fault?

You know and what's really kicking me is, I'm starting to really consider that it would be better not to have a relationship but only have a fuck buddy when needed. Then the problem with that is I don't know if I'd even want that. I'm getting really ...

I'm just so frustrated that I want to scream, throw things, cry and well basically throw a huge fit and I can't. I'm in bed and it's 9:38 entirely way to early but damn I'm tired of being support, I'm tired of being the "trooper". I don't want these self doubts building back up inside me. I can't take that again.

I just want to sleep right now until this life is over. I do have to say that this opinion could change at any second so I probably won't be sleeping until it's all over.

Another thing that is worrying me is, what if I do find some guy that I like and all this comes flooding back and I get rid of him just because I can't handle the thought of going through it again? Where is that going to leave me?

http://quizilla.com/users/azuremariposa/quizzes/What%20Is%20Your%20True%20Aura%20Colour?

That's the link for the aura quiz. Someone needs to remind me how to make it so you can click on it. LOL

Crystals have clear auras and are known as the
"aura chameleons." Like chameleons,
their auras will change colors to match those
of the people they are connecting with at the
time. They then take on the characteristics,
behavior patterns, emotions and thoughts of
that color.

What Is Your True Aura Colour?
brought to you by

I know, I know...  It's been ages since I blogged.  I haven't felt like it so I haven't.
 
Now, I've been dealing with weird stuff lately.  The past two or three weeks, I've lost count, Tom has been leaning on me and some other friends for support.  He has taken me out drinking with him every night.  Most of what we talk about is his relationship with Dallas aka Michelle.   Now I'm starting to get tired of the broken record he has become.  She isn't sure she wants a relationship and it's driving him nuts.  Now he has convinced himself that the reason she is "trying to chase him off" is because she has been hurt really bad in the past and she is scared.  So she is trying to get him to leave.  She told him he had gotten closer to her than anyone else in 17 years.  So now he is thinking that she really doesn't want him to leave...   well as you can see it goes on and on and fucking on.  I've given him advice, funny enough it's the same advice from his guy friends and some total strangers that he has asked.  LOL  So I've done my part and helped him through some major depression.  Now he is back to asking for blow jobs...  Not sure why he thinks that will ever happen again.  Goofy ass man.
 
I've been going through some major funk and I think it's really from his stuff and not mine.  Of course I don't have any so it has to be his.  lol
 
I have done a lot of thinking on relationships.  I've started noticing some things that I'll have to be careful of.   The big one, ever giving someone as much power over me as Tom had.  I also already know there are things that will be relationship breakers and well, those will be non-negotiable.  Not even sure if I could give them a second chance on those.  I found I have some really tough things to work through before some poor fellow gets too close.  There are always exceptions to THAT though.  LOL   There will be special people and not so special people I'm sure.  The thing is I remember how unattached I could be and not worry if I hurt someone or not.  I'm hoping that with age I've learned to care but I just don't know.   I'm rather numb right now.
 
I'm tired, drained, beat and any other thing you can think of but I'm in a good mood so that counts for something.  Plus I'm doing the count down to my trip.  That is probably the only thing keeping me half way sane.  I've started making a list...  Ok you Virgo's no laughing!   I guess after that dream in the back of my mind I'm thinking I'm going to forget something important.  LOL

CHARIOT
"the generator, motivator,
traveler"
You are gifted in seeting ideas, projects, and life
experiences into motion and can accomplish many
things simultaneously. You dislike things that
are routine and show a resistance to
specialization. You have a strong
intorspective nature and display a need to move
in the true inner direction of the spirit. The
charioter holds the Wheel of Fortune which
means that he can turn any direction with
fortunate results.


which major arcana of the thoth tarot deck are you? short, with pictures and detailed results
brought to you by Quizilla

Today's Blog brought to you by the Judicial System


Today an attorney's office called to set up a meeting with Tom. We got it set up and then she called back in a panic. It seemed the attorney was on her ass about having wanted to meet with the investigating officer's of the wreck. So I said I'll try. You can never bet on having a meeting with police. They could get called out or they may just not want to meet. LOL So I called Tommy (one of the officers) and we chatted for about a half hour. LOL Got a meeting set up. As we were talking he told me the DA had dismissed charges against this truck driver that caused the fatal wreck. The idiot driver had reflux crossed two lanes of traffic and a huge grass median hitting another car head on.

Because this driver had reflux the DA said he wasn't going to prosecute. Excuse the FUCK out of me? The stupid ass had hot wings at 1:00am has an acid reflux attack a few hours later and he gets off scott free with killing someone! Where the hell is justice in that? He was responsible and the DA was too much of a coward to even try. I have no pity for this driver. He ate food he KNEW would be bad for him and then drove. He could have avoided that. If he had had a stroke, heart attack something along those lines I could see where they may say it was beyond his control. BUT Acid Reflux?! It was his choice as to what he stuff in his face and now a person is dead because he was an idiot.

They had a 105 car pile up in the fog. The DA (different one)goes out to the scene tells the police they don't have to investigate. It was an act of God. BULLSHIT! It was all because this dumb ass truck driver going over the speed limit into a fog bank ran up on a pickup truck that had slowed down because of the fog. Jackknifed the tractor trailer blocking ALL lanes of the interstate. 104 cars later and 5 deaths and the DA wouldn't prosecute. He was lazy and didn't want to be bothered. 5 people lost their lives because a dumb ass couldn't be bothered with slowing down. That is the 2400 pictures I had to scan a few months back. Nasty... Yeah the fog was an act of God, as they say. However driving with your head up your ass is NOT an act of God. The photos are amazing. Not the ones of the people but the cars from the air. Honestly I'm surprised there weren't more deaths. There were actually what two wrecks. The second set behind the first were caught on a state troopers dash camera. It was pretty cool looking. I know I'm weird but when you watch the video it's interesting to watch the way the vehicles hit and how they move afterwards.

Still back to the rant... both of these guys got off with killing other people because of their stupidity. Now I know stuff happens but... logic tells you to slow down when you drive into fog where you can't see. It wasn't like this guy had just entered this fog bank either. It was either a mile or half can't remember right now. The jackknife could have been prevented. Which would have prevented such a huge wreck. These people had no place to go. Except one truck driver. He actually left the road and stopped in the grass. He didn't hit anyone and no one hit him. Why? Because he wasn't driving with his head up his ass.