I've just got to get this out of my system. I thought things were going fairly well as far as me dealing with things but I was only kidding myself. I was hiding from all of it I guess.
I've been trying to help Tom with this thing with Dallas. So for two weeks we've been going out every night having dinner and I am his sounding board. I'm good at this shit but it's starting to hurt too much. It's not even him telling me about sex with her that bothers me, that I can be detached from. The things that are killing me are such simple things yet seem to hurt the most. One night while he and I talked it comes out that he didn't think I appreciated anything he gave me. Which is bullshit but that's how he felt. Then there is that he and I are buds and he doesn't love me anymore. Well, I understand the not romantic love, but I love my friends. Then he tells me how wonderful she is to be around. I guess that means that he thought I was horrible to be around. They have fun so I'm guessing he and I never did. She enjoys making love. Like I didn't? Ok I'll give him that I didn't enjoy making love with him but that's because of some weird little things he was getting into. When I had my doubts he would get pissed off and I'd give in and not enjoy myself, so what good is that? He was never romantic with me and proudly announced that he wasn't a romantic guy. Now he is all romantic and stuff? I wasn't allowed PDA, so I gave up trying. Now that is my fault?
You know and what's really kicking me is, I'm starting to really consider that it would be better not to have a relationship but only have a fuck buddy when needed. Then the problem with that is I don't know if I'd even want that. I'm getting really ...
I'm just so frustrated that I want to scream, throw things, cry and well basically throw a huge fit and I can't. I'm in bed and it's 9:38 entirely way to early but damn I'm tired of being support, I'm tired of being the "trooper". I don't want these self doubts building back up inside me. I can't take that again.
I just want to sleep right now until this life is over. I do have to say that this opinion could change at any second so I probably won't be sleeping until it's all over.
Another thing that is worrying me is, what if I do find some guy that I like and all this comes flooding back and I get rid of him just because I can't handle the thought of going through it again? Where is that going to leave me?
I've been trying to help Tom with this thing with Dallas. So for two weeks we've been going out every night having dinner and I am his sounding board. I'm good at this shit but it's starting to hurt too much. It's not even him telling me about sex with her that bothers me, that I can be detached from. The things that are killing me are such simple things yet seem to hurt the most. One night while he and I talked it comes out that he didn't think I appreciated anything he gave me. Which is bullshit but that's how he felt. Then there is that he and I are buds and he doesn't love me anymore. Well, I understand the not romantic love, but I love my friends. Then he tells me how wonderful she is to be around. I guess that means that he thought I was horrible to be around. They have fun so I'm guessing he and I never did. She enjoys making love. Like I didn't? Ok I'll give him that I didn't enjoy making love with him but that's because of some weird little things he was getting into. When I had my doubts he would get pissed off and I'd give in and not enjoy myself, so what good is that? He was never romantic with me and proudly announced that he wasn't a romantic guy. Now he is all romantic and stuff? I wasn't allowed PDA, so I gave up trying. Now that is my fault?
You know and what's really kicking me is, I'm starting to really consider that it would be better not to have a relationship but only have a fuck buddy when needed. Then the problem with that is I don't know if I'd even want that. I'm getting really ...
I'm just so frustrated that I want to scream, throw things, cry and well basically throw a huge fit and I can't. I'm in bed and it's 9:38 entirely way to early but damn I'm tired of being support, I'm tired of being the "trooper". I don't want these self doubts building back up inside me. I can't take that again.
I just want to sleep right now until this life is over. I do have to say that this opinion could change at any second so I probably won't be sleeping until it's all over.
Another thing that is worrying me is, what if I do find some guy that I like and all this comes flooding back and I get rid of him just because I can't handle the thought of going through it again? Where is that going to leave me?
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