Dad
So to catch up here.
My dad has a mass on his liver. He asked the doctor if he had a year and the doctor shook his head no. He asked the doctor if he had six months and the doctor said maybe. This was his oncologist that he spoke with. I asked mom with they had done a biopsy and were sure it was cancer because there are non-cancerous tumors too. She said he hadn't but said he could, though it seems he is convinced that it's cancer.
I was reading on some sites about cancer and I've come to the conclusion they never say anything good. The majority of what I read was negative. I mean don't get me wrong I know that cancer is a bad thing and some types are worse than others. But would it kill these people to try to give hope too? One site said that if a person had liver cancer and it went untreated they had 3 to 4 months. If treated 6 to 18 months possibly. They all push treatment with no talk of alternative possibilities.
This morning I woke up and felt hope although momentarily, I felt it. It disappeared to be replaced with that numbness. I thought today I may move to another stage but I guess not yet. I don't want anger because honestly, it won't do any good. I mean really, who would I be angry at? God? The doctors? Dad? No, so what's the point of anger? Heck I've forgotten what all the stages are. I skipped denial. lol Well he already has cancer so I can't deny it. Impending death? It's waiting for us all when it's our time. I think my anger will come in when he is in pain that they may have trouble controlling. That's when my anger will surface.
The nicest thing I can think of right now is that when this is over at least he will be out of a body that was falling apart. He'll be well. This leads me to think about the point of the body being a shell then now his mind is healthy. Maybe I should really say his soul is. It's a shame we haven't learned how to heal ourselves. I know I'm afraid of what is going to happen because today I've started thinking of running away. To go somewhere, almost like I think it couldn't find me or it wouldn't happen if I weren't here. I know it's not true but my flight or fight is kicking in and I'm choosing flight. I'm a coward when it comes to facing things I don't want to face.
The strangest thing is my knowing that this isn't the end but also of not wanting to lose him in life. Yes I understand spirit and blah blah blah but you all know it's different. The conflict in my mind of those two things is enough to drive me crazy. There's a story in the Zen of Living and Dying that I always think of. A master tells his students of his impending death to which they all began to cry and despair. He asks them why and they say because he is leaving. The master says you cry for yourself because you do not know where I'm going if you did then you would not. Ok that's paraphrased but you get the idea. They cry for their loss not for him. Yes I will be crying for my loss though I hope that the knowledge of knowing there is more and that he isn't truly lost to me will help me handle it better.
Enough for now.
My dad has a mass on his liver. He asked the doctor if he had a year and the doctor shook his head no. He asked the doctor if he had six months and the doctor said maybe. This was his oncologist that he spoke with. I asked mom with they had done a biopsy and were sure it was cancer because there are non-cancerous tumors too. She said he hadn't but said he could, though it seems he is convinced that it's cancer.
I was reading on some sites about cancer and I've come to the conclusion they never say anything good. The majority of what I read was negative. I mean don't get me wrong I know that cancer is a bad thing and some types are worse than others. But would it kill these people to try to give hope too? One site said that if a person had liver cancer and it went untreated they had 3 to 4 months. If treated 6 to 18 months possibly. They all push treatment with no talk of alternative possibilities.
This morning I woke up and felt hope although momentarily, I felt it. It disappeared to be replaced with that numbness. I thought today I may move to another stage but I guess not yet. I don't want anger because honestly, it won't do any good. I mean really, who would I be angry at? God? The doctors? Dad? No, so what's the point of anger? Heck I've forgotten what all the stages are. I skipped denial. lol Well he already has cancer so I can't deny it. Impending death? It's waiting for us all when it's our time. I think my anger will come in when he is in pain that they may have trouble controlling. That's when my anger will surface.
The nicest thing I can think of right now is that when this is over at least he will be out of a body that was falling apart. He'll be well. This leads me to think about the point of the body being a shell then now his mind is healthy. Maybe I should really say his soul is. It's a shame we haven't learned how to heal ourselves. I know I'm afraid of what is going to happen because today I've started thinking of running away. To go somewhere, almost like I think it couldn't find me or it wouldn't happen if I weren't here. I know it's not true but my flight or fight is kicking in and I'm choosing flight. I'm a coward when it comes to facing things I don't want to face.
The strangest thing is my knowing that this isn't the end but also of not wanting to lose him in life. Yes I understand spirit and blah blah blah but you all know it's different. The conflict in my mind of those two things is enough to drive me crazy. There's a story in the Zen of Living and Dying that I always think of. A master tells his students of his impending death to which they all began to cry and despair. He asks them why and they say because he is leaving. The master says you cry for yourself because you do not know where I'm going if you did then you would not. Ok that's paraphrased but you get the idea. They cry for their loss not for him. Yes I will be crying for my loss though I hope that the knowledge of knowing there is more and that he isn't truly lost to me will help me handle it better.
Enough for now.
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