Update

"It's Been A While"
Staind

"And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you"

It has been a while since I wrote anything in here. I just haven't felt like it really. Honestly I don't feel like it right now either. Since I'm not talking much on list I figured I could at least post something here some folks would know I'm alive. Just feeling a little out of sorts. I've been really touchy about the way I've perceived the way people are treating me. I'm feeling slighted and I'm not even sure why. Honestly I don't think I am... It's just hitting me that way. Some serious soul searching has been going on and I'm not sure I like what I feel.

So I'm still doing the card a day. Yesterday's was, Five of Stones. Isolation. Yep that was yesterday... Today I was shuffling and Mother of Cups in the North (Queen of Cups) fell out of the deck. She means, earthy, plain honest person. Matriarch. Ancient forces... However I went ahead and actually pulled one also to see how they work together. I pulled The Star. Renewal, reality and feeling. Cleansing. Humility. Hope. I can see these two working together.

My dreams have been incredibly busy. Last night my house was split in two. One side was good and one bad. I think bad may be the wrong word... More like the misunderstood side. The side that is always getting into trouble. Then during the dream the sides and people were forced to switch places. I remember going to the other side looking around and I started planning on how I was going to re-decorate it. I was planning on what colors to paint the walls and all that good stuff. The side that took our place settled right in and didn't have to work to change anything. I wasn't unhappy about doing this work and I was actually looking forward to it. So I was going around just quite happy with what I had figured out. Then we were told it was dinner time. There were 3 or 4 rows of huge long tables. Few people but lots of table space. I sat down and so did the others. This woman, floated, to the middle table and screamed at us. The "bad ones". She was yelling saying why would we expect her to fix food since we caused so much trouble all the time. I sat there watching her. She had a pink dress that had some kind of design in white and a head rag thingy that matched it. She ranted at us telling us we would not get anything to eat and then she floated back to the kitchen. I thought about it for a minute and then realized that we were expected to really take the place of the others. We would be treated like they were also. So I got up from the table laughing mumbling about having to act like the others did. So I went around the corner to the other side, which use to be mine, and thought ok. So I figured I'd throw some stuff around. I mean if they expected us to be bad I had to do something. So I reached for something to through when I realized it was valuable. I sat it down and looked quickly for things that were of value. I through the first one and started yelling. Then I looked for something else to throw. I kept throwing and the others were trying to get past the barrage of stuff I was throwing. Finally they got me and pushed me back to my side. That's when I realized that they weren't bad but they were feeling left out and misunderstood. Frustrated. So they lashed out. I went back to my side grumbling on how it was unfair, the way they had been treated. The funny thing was on the "bad" side there were all kinds of ghosty stuff. I decided I was going to paint. So I turned and asked a man who knew this house and it's history about the original colors. He looked at me and said you may not want to paint the original colors. It could be bad and bring things back out that are better left alone. It was like I remembered some of the history and it was better left alone. I don't know what it was, just the feeling I got. I remember... Wispy... I'm not sure what that is... Sort of like curtains or something.

Then we were outside moving around. My dad had this huge motorhome and wanted me to go on a drive with him. So I got in and he was driving. He saw something inside the motorhome that got his attention and he got up from the seat and the thing just kept going. Same speed and everything. Though it was not being steered. I jumped up yelling at him that he couldn't just do that. I couldn't get into the front sit because I was being blocked. So I was leaning over holding the steering wheel trying to keep it on the road and to keep from hitting anyone else. The speed never increased or decreased. I went careening around corners that my brain knew would cause this vehicle to topple over. I still managed to hold it. I did go across the lane many times and was lucky not to hit anyone. Now this whole time my dad is up where he could drive and at least use the brakes. We were going over places were I couldn't see anything and I was in a panic. I was so afraid I was going to hit someone and knew it'd kill them. We had to cross a bridge and there was someone else coming from the other direction. I held it straight, I think we actually scraped the side of the bridge. I got across the bridge and my brother showed up. I have no idea where from. LOL He said that he wanted to drive too. So I let him. He sat down in the seat and drove about a hundred yards and then turned around. This turn around seem to be where everyone turned at.

We headed back to the house then. We got back and I walked towards the group of people who I was with. My sister was there but her hair was dark again. Something was wrong with her. Almost like she was dying. I remember her mascara running down her face. It made her look very haunting. I was trying to take care of her. I remember the color of light green. That green they use to use in school years ago... That's all I can remember right now.