I Sat at Her Feet
I sat at her feet listening to her words.
Her voice soft and loving.
No words can truly describe her, she is different for every person.
"I am the beginning and I am the end" she said to me.
In the end, I again begin, this is a cycle that will never end. (end)
It seemed if she spoke only to me.
Looking around I was unsure of how I got to this place. A garden, wild yet kept. I wander the paths admiring the beauty. Sitting areas dotted the paths. A path off the main was less trodden so I took it. This path was a little more wild, not as well kept. The beauty of this path was less obvious to those who could not see. The path ended at a cave and I asked to enter.
"What is it you seek in this cave of silence", I heard in my head. "I only seek what I am allowed", I spoke aloud. My words were met with a soft laughter, "Enter daughter and seek what you may". I stepped inside to find a small fire. The coolness of the cave matched that of the flame. A flame that gave off no heat? Strange indeed I thought. I sat and stared into the flame. I felt the heart beat of mother earth as she held me close to her.
"What do you seek", I was asked. "I seek the knowledge for balance and growth", was my answer to the voice. There was silence. I found wisdom in the silence that surrounded me. My mind found peace there, yet I needed more.
I saw myself walking down a corridor. At first the details were misty. I continued walking I began to see doors. The floor, I noticed had a design. The doors were wooden and looked heavy. I stopped in front of one door and wonder whether I should knock or just open it and walk in. ‘What should I do?’ I said aloud. My decision made I opened the door. Inside was a room with wood paneled walls, dark but the room felt light. There was comfortable furniture and I noticed no bright colors. I looked down at the floor and I was standing on a rug of muted colors. This room felt inviting but it was empty. There was a bookcase that I hadn’t noticed to my left. I walked over to see what these books would be about. I blinked several times but the words would not come into focus. I reached for the books but found that I was too small to pick them up. How can this be? These books were of normal size and now too large to be picked up. I turned to leave in frustration and found I was in the corridor once more. I wandered the corridor carefully looking at the doors, each was different.
Where had time gone? Life has changed so much. I remember carefree days but troubled nights. It was the nightmares that came every night. Finally peace came when I learned to change my dreams. That was so long ago I learned to do that. I can’t believe how many years have passed. My age changed though I felt like I was the same, as if someone else had lived my life. What happened in those years I lost? Did I love? Did I lose? What happened?
I remember being pregnant with both my children. They grew so fast. Was I a good mother to them? I guess really they are the only ones to answer that question. I gave up everything for them. I gave up myself, lost me and became mom. I use to be a happy person. I do remember that. At the very least I did like myself. Now, I don’t like things about myself. I use to be able to say how I felt. Now, I worry whether it will hurt someone else at my own expense. I put everyone before myself. My needs. I swallow whatever they are. No matter how much I need, no matter what I need. When can I be selfish without feeling guilty for it?
My joys are few and far between. My life is put on hold and it shouldn’t be. So what do I do? Where do I find my life? Where do I begin? Yes, I know that it’s something I have to do but how? I’m 43 years old and my life is to start over. I sit there and think that I never thought 43 was old but starting over seems to be wrong at that age. This is suppose to be the time when this all starts winding down. When I can relax.
I get so frustrated that I just don’t know which way to turn. Of course other people think of things that I could do for a living. I’m just not sure that I have the ability to do what they say I’d be good at. Is it they have more confidence in me than I do? I don’t know.
Where do people come up with the courage? I have all these questions and no answers. I’m dissatisfied with myself. I am fat and out of shape which is my fault. I had decided that it was because I was so unhappy with Tom. I don’t know. Maybe it is just that I am unhappy with myself. I have to make changes in my life. I have to start putting things for me first. My health being the one I need to tackle first. My spiritual growth will continue. I have to start thinking of myself. Yet I still have Michael to think of. It always seems that I’ve put them first.
I honestly don’t know what I want out of my life other than to be happy and healthy. Yes I want love but I don’t know. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry.
Her voice soft and loving.
No words can truly describe her, she is different for every person.
"I am the beginning and I am the end" she said to me.
In the end, I again begin, this is a cycle that will never end. (end)
It seemed if she spoke only to me.
Looking around I was unsure of how I got to this place. A garden, wild yet kept. I wander the paths admiring the beauty. Sitting areas dotted the paths. A path off the main was less trodden so I took it. This path was a little more wild, not as well kept. The beauty of this path was less obvious to those who could not see. The path ended at a cave and I asked to enter.
"What is it you seek in this cave of silence", I heard in my head. "I only seek what I am allowed", I spoke aloud. My words were met with a soft laughter, "Enter daughter and seek what you may". I stepped inside to find a small fire. The coolness of the cave matched that of the flame. A flame that gave off no heat? Strange indeed I thought. I sat and stared into the flame. I felt the heart beat of mother earth as she held me close to her.
"What do you seek", I was asked. "I seek the knowledge for balance and growth", was my answer to the voice. There was silence. I found wisdom in the silence that surrounded me. My mind found peace there, yet I needed more.
I saw myself walking down a corridor. At first the details were misty. I continued walking I began to see doors. The floor, I noticed had a design. The doors were wooden and looked heavy. I stopped in front of one door and wonder whether I should knock or just open it and walk in. ‘What should I do?’ I said aloud. My decision made I opened the door. Inside was a room with wood paneled walls, dark but the room felt light. There was comfortable furniture and I noticed no bright colors. I looked down at the floor and I was standing on a rug of muted colors. This room felt inviting but it was empty. There was a bookcase that I hadn’t noticed to my left. I walked over to see what these books would be about. I blinked several times but the words would not come into focus. I reached for the books but found that I was too small to pick them up. How can this be? These books were of normal size and now too large to be picked up. I turned to leave in frustration and found I was in the corridor once more. I wandered the corridor carefully looking at the doors, each was different.
Where had time gone? Life has changed so much. I remember carefree days but troubled nights. It was the nightmares that came every night. Finally peace came when I learned to change my dreams. That was so long ago I learned to do that. I can’t believe how many years have passed. My age changed though I felt like I was the same, as if someone else had lived my life. What happened in those years I lost? Did I love? Did I lose? What happened?
I remember being pregnant with both my children. They grew so fast. Was I a good mother to them? I guess really they are the only ones to answer that question. I gave up everything for them. I gave up myself, lost me and became mom. I use to be a happy person. I do remember that. At the very least I did like myself. Now, I don’t like things about myself. I use to be able to say how I felt. Now, I worry whether it will hurt someone else at my own expense. I put everyone before myself. My needs. I swallow whatever they are. No matter how much I need, no matter what I need. When can I be selfish without feeling guilty for it?
My joys are few and far between. My life is put on hold and it shouldn’t be. So what do I do? Where do I find my life? Where do I begin? Yes, I know that it’s something I have to do but how? I’m 43 years old and my life is to start over. I sit there and think that I never thought 43 was old but starting over seems to be wrong at that age. This is suppose to be the time when this all starts winding down. When I can relax.
I get so frustrated that I just don’t know which way to turn. Of course other people think of things that I could do for a living. I’m just not sure that I have the ability to do what they say I’d be good at. Is it they have more confidence in me than I do? I don’t know.
Where do people come up with the courage? I have all these questions and no answers. I’m dissatisfied with myself. I am fat and out of shape which is my fault. I had decided that it was because I was so unhappy with Tom. I don’t know. Maybe it is just that I am unhappy with myself. I have to make changes in my life. I have to start putting things for me first. My health being the one I need to tackle first. My spiritual growth will continue. I have to start thinking of myself. Yet I still have Michael to think of. It always seems that I’ve put them first.
I honestly don’t know what I want out of my life other than to be happy and healthy. Yes I want love but I don’t know. Just the thought of it makes me want to cry.
4 Comments:
"I’m 43 years old and my life is to start over. I sit there and think that I never thought 43 was old but starting over seems to be wrong at that age."
Georgia: There are some many people who haven't gotten the chance to start their life over because they didn't have the courage and confidence you had to take that first step towards change.
Don't force it or think that you are doing something wrong by not suddenly dropping everything as you know it and doing something completely different.
You'll know what it is you should be doing when the time is right.
43 sounds like a perfect age to start over to me. You've already started on the starting over and look at the world of possibilities and dreams that you've stepped into.
I remember a Georgia who didn't like to leave her 'hood; that Georgia has now been to Britain and Vegas in the space of two months. As for the overweight and yucky part of it, you are one of the most beautiful women that I know. I'm not just talking inwardly, because we knew that, but outwardly, you are stunning.
Whatever you decide to do, you'll know we'll be there cheering you on. But there is a world of possibilities; don't afret on, just look around and explore each new opportunity.
I love your prose about the Goddess and the cave. Be a writer.
yours
Mab
xxxxx
I guess it's just that I had always believed that I wouldn't *have* to start over at this age.
Today going to Gary's farm made me realize how badly I needed to be able to reconnect with nature. I need to emmerse myself in the earth. My place is not inside a city. It's out where I can become, again.
Thank you for the kinds words. I'm trying to be brave. Though I've decided that my thoughts of bravery change each time I do something new. *grins*
43 = 4 + 3 = 7
"And the seventh brings return..."
Syd Barrett
'Chapter 24'
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