Saturday's Thoughts

I just came in from feeding the fish. There is such a peacefullness about the pond and the fish. All the sounds of nature are pleasing to my ears. The sound of the waterfalls helps take me away. The things is I never want to come back. Peace be the mind a friend tells me often. I can find that peace when I sit by the pond but when I come back it's hard to hold on to it.

I feel the want to run away so I can avoid the things I don't wish to face. Yes, it's something I've done often. I find that there are changes I don't want to happen yet I know I can't stop.

I have questions in my mind. These relate to my dad and well they can relate to others too. On healing, of course I want to heal my dad, I want him to be free of cancer. Is this me being selfish or is it that he wants this? Of course he wants to be free of cancer but his attitude is one of defeat. What if it is that this is what is to happen to him? If I try and heal him then I go against what was meant for him. Yet, if I don't try, am I letting him down? Will his higherself allow any healing? It's not that I feel defeated in this, these are just questions that I feel I need to ask and I need to have answered.

I've been tired all week, totally drained. I've had sinus headaches all day, everyday this week.

There is such darkness in my life, yet I can see a light that keeps it in balance. I forget that in the dark moments. It's those times that threatened to pull me under. Sometimes it's like being on a black ocean with waves crashing almost on top of me. The blackness surges up above my head and then it does break over me. I feel despair and then there is a small light that makes it's way through the black water. It's just a pin point when I first see it. Then it grows as it comes closer. The water doesn't look so bad when the light shows into it. It's remembering the light is there that can save me. I do forget at times to look for it when the wave crashes over me again. Then I get a reminder to be watchful for that light. My light is many things and people and I am thankful for them all. I forget that I am not alone. I guess I've always felt like I was so it's hard to realize I'm not. You know sometimes these bits of light come from the most unexpected sources. Today for example. I haven't been overly depressed just sad ever so often. So I decided to go feed the fish. I sat out there and took in nature. The butterflies love the butterfly bushes that are growing every where around the pond. So I sat and watched this one yellow butterfly. That was my light. Then came the dragon flies from no where. I couldn't help but smile. i know for some of you, you are thinking that is depression?! Well for me it is. I normally don't have anything to be depressed over. Now I have a worry in my life. One I don't want to deal with but have to. I will deal with it and I will handle it. I have no choice and I can't hide.