What? How?
I'm wondering if my outlook on what it is that I want off.
See I was thinking back on when I started on this path I was disappointed with myself. I wasn't able to do things that I thought I should be able to. I discovered that part of the reason why not is that I had this vision in my head of what it *should* be like. It wasn't. I had these set thoughts in my mind of how it was suppose to be and limited myself by doing so.
I'm talking more of the visualization part of things.
I don't think I want to settle again. I want what is best for me. Even though I say that I then turn right around and worry about Michael. I cannot make plans that don't include him. Yeah he is 17 but because he turns 18 next September doesn't mean that he is gone. One of the things the parenting class said is don't let the child rule what you do. That's fine but you can't also forget they are involved. Well I can't. Tom seems to have done that. Before the divorce I told him that I was the one who was being left in charge while he went off without any cares or worries about Michael. He got mad and said he wished Michael wanted to be with him like he does with me. Well guess what Tom, it's because he knows you always put yourself first. You've proved it several times in the last two months. So everything I do I have to think of Michael. Not because he is more important than me but because he is my child. It doesn't matter how old he is. You know when he is 18 he may chose to move away and go to school. Who knows? But I will not abandon him.
What do I want? Hmmm I'm sure this will take more than one time sitting down. I'll have to think on this.
See I was thinking back on when I started on this path I was disappointed with myself. I wasn't able to do things that I thought I should be able to. I discovered that part of the reason why not is that I had this vision in my head of what it *should* be like. It wasn't. I had these set thoughts in my mind of how it was suppose to be and limited myself by doing so.
I'm talking more of the visualization part of things.
I don't think I want to settle again. I want what is best for me. Even though I say that I then turn right around and worry about Michael. I cannot make plans that don't include him. Yeah he is 17 but because he turns 18 next September doesn't mean that he is gone. One of the things the parenting class said is don't let the child rule what you do. That's fine but you can't also forget they are involved. Well I can't. Tom seems to have done that. Before the divorce I told him that I was the one who was being left in charge while he went off without any cares or worries about Michael. He got mad and said he wished Michael wanted to be with him like he does with me. Well guess what Tom, it's because he knows you always put yourself first. You've proved it several times in the last two months. So everything I do I have to think of Michael. Not because he is more important than me but because he is my child. It doesn't matter how old he is. You know when he is 18 he may chose to move away and go to school. Who knows? But I will not abandon him.
What do I want? Hmmm I'm sure this will take more than one time sitting down. I'll have to think on this.
3 Comments:
I think that what you want to do with yourself is a lot like your witchy path. You start out and think you're supposed to have a set plan and shoot lightening bolts out of your fingers. When you can't do it it's disappointing. But then you keep going an do what feels good to you and pretty soon you're in the middle of what you want and how you want it. If you analyze each move you'll only frustrate yourself.
So, I recommending taking Vetch's advice and do things for yourself. You've cared for many and now its your time. It doesn't mean you have to ignore your son it just means you don't have to feel guilty about doing something good for you.
Lurve ya!
Anna
Exactly! LOL I hate not being able to shoot lightening bolts out of my finger tips.
Yes Vetch is a wise woman. I'm going back to the Pagan meetings on Monday. Also I'm hoping to be able to start going to some of the festivals. That will be good.
WAIT!!
We can't make lightening bolts come from out fingertips?
Why wasn't I informed of this?!?!?!
DAMN!!!
(wink)
Unfortunately, just like everything else, finding yourself takes time, huh? I think it's a continuing process. Baby steps. If you need some suggestions, I say watch the movie "what about Bob"...always good for a big smile and it really has some great advice...baby steps work wonders!
I think that the meet ups and the festival is a great idea! :D!
(((hugs)))
love you!
*kass
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