Dreams

You know I thought I had this fairly worked out. Last night though my dream was telling me it still bothers me that Tom is going out to Dallas. In my dream I was with 3 other women and we were in a place like a bar that serves food too. The table sort of in front of me had the woman Tom was interested in. We were all chatting about her. I could hear anything that was said but I know that's what we were doing. She saw me and was a little uncomfortable. Tom walked in with my oldest son. He walked up to her and asked her if she wanted to have a meal with them. So she was gathering her stuff and going over to his table.

She left after a while and I sat down. They had been putting a puzzle together. There were a couple of pieces missing and one piece that didn't quite fit. I found the missing pieces under the table. The puzzle was completely white and it was round.

It just seemed like a dream that was telling me I'm not alright with this Dallas thing. The thing is though that I know that the divorce is going to happen. I know that I do want him to be happy. I know I do want to be happy. I think I'm feeling a little betrayed even though I'm the one to have told him to go.

Now I sit here thinking if I know all those things above then why does it bother me that he is trying to move on so quickly? Is it the loss? Maybe that I have trouble turning loose of things? I don't know.

Then again, if Tom moves on then I'm free to move on. I am ready to move on but I can really only handle getting one person settled at a time. So I can get him settled even sort of then it will be fine. I know it's not my responsibility but then I won't worry about him if he is settled.

"My Immortal"
Evanescence
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone


"Hunter"
Dido
If you were a king up there on your throne
would you be wise enough to let me go
for this queen you think you own
Wants to be a hunter again
wants to see the world alone again
to take a chance on life again
so let me go


Strange but both of these fit the way I feel. The latter because I do feel that Tom always felt he owned me. I'm ready to face life again. Of course My Immortal puts quite nicely If you have to leave, then just leave.

I don't want to be someone who is bitter from their divorce. We had a good life together, we've both grown apart. Life is that way sometimes. People grow and move on. I know there are people who have had a hard time through their divorces and were treated badly. That isn't the case for me.

I'm thinking maybe I can get Tom to do a ritual of ... oh what's it called... the opposite of handfasting. It would be a good way of releasing the bond of marriage.