Thinking
I was sitting here thinking about how every choice we makes affects us. Each choice makes us who we are. If we could go back and make changes, would we? How would affect who we are now?
Let's use this as an example. What if when I was 17 years old and not at the Gwinnett County firing range. That was the first place that Tom saw me and question folks as to who I was. What if a couple of weeks later he hadn't been at the Cobb County firing range. I wouldn't have seen and met him. Would I still have my two kids? How would I be different? Where would I be living? Would I have found my path earlier or would I have even found it?
Those are questions that can never be answered. I will never know who or what I may have been had those things not happened.
Ok, so I know what happened with the first part of my life. Now I have a new life starting. New choices to make. New places to start. So how do we know the choices we make are the best ones for us? What if we realize that we should make a huge change in our lives? How terrifying to even think about. Michael is 17 and a junior in high school. I can't think of moving now because I won't uproot him from the last two years of school. When he graduates would it be time to be me? Is now the time? When I say I'm lost this is what I'm talking about. All these unknowns to deal with. They scare me. They scare me because I always fall back to thinking but what if I screw it all up? What if I can't make it? Or is it that I fear I may make it?
It's like love. Taking a chance is difficult and how do you know for sure? I've never been real sure on what love really is. I mean I can love the folks on WG without a problem but a love as in partner love. That I've never been good at knowing. At seeing it or expressing it. Lots of questions... I know. Still no answers. Sometimes I fear that no matter what I do I will never be able to have it. It will always be just out of my grasp. If that is the case then is it my lesson in life to learn to be by myself? To learn to learn and grow on my own? To survive on my own? Is it about learning to take chances? To give love freely?
Can I ever be sure of the love? To be re-assured enough that it's true and not something that will fade in a few months? Could I ever be re-assured enough? I don't know. Maybe a lesson is to trust again.
I was thinking that you know I really have no desire to leave my house. It's not a fear of going any where. I just don't need to go anywhere or really I just don't want to go anywhere. I mean I loved my trip to the UK and I'm looking forward to Vegas but I just don't feel the need to go anywhere. I mean grocery shopping and such is one thing. I was thinking about people to hang out with... Well, my sister is in Montana for the Gods only know how long. There's Courtney but I feel like I would just be bothering her. Her life is pretty darn full. The others I just don't know well enough to just hang out with them. Plus hanging out with these people now when I didn't before smacks of using to me. So I can't really do that. I'm suppose to go to Border's Pagan's on Monday nights. I haven't felt like going the last 3 or 4 weeks. Don't feel like being that social. I don't know maybe I'm afraid of what may be there.
So here I sitting wondering and pondering my life. Where it goes for now I have no clue. I want to know who stole the repair manual though.
I was sitting here thinking about how every choice we makes affects us. Each choice makes us who we are. If we could go back and make changes, would we? How would affect who we are now?
Let's use this as an example. What if when I was 17 years old and not at the Gwinnett County firing range. That was the first place that Tom saw me and question folks as to who I was. What if a couple of weeks later he hadn't been at the Cobb County firing range. I wouldn't have seen and met him. Would I still have my two kids? How would I be different? Where would I be living? Would I have found my path earlier or would I have even found it?
Those are questions that can never be answered. I will never know who or what I may have been had those things not happened.
Ok, so I know what happened with the first part of my life. Now I have a new life starting. New choices to make. New places to start. So how do we know the choices we make are the best ones for us? What if we realize that we should make a huge change in our lives? How terrifying to even think about. Michael is 17 and a junior in high school. I can't think of moving now because I won't uproot him from the last two years of school. When he graduates would it be time to be me? Is now the time? When I say I'm lost this is what I'm talking about. All these unknowns to deal with. They scare me. They scare me because I always fall back to thinking but what if I screw it all up? What if I can't make it? Or is it that I fear I may make it?
It's like love. Taking a chance is difficult and how do you know for sure? I've never been real sure on what love really is. I mean I can love the folks on WG without a problem but a love as in partner love. That I've never been good at knowing. At seeing it or expressing it. Lots of questions... I know. Still no answers. Sometimes I fear that no matter what I do I will never be able to have it. It will always be just out of my grasp. If that is the case then is it my lesson in life to learn to be by myself? To learn to learn and grow on my own? To survive on my own? Is it about learning to take chances? To give love freely?
Can I ever be sure of the love? To be re-assured enough that it's true and not something that will fade in a few months? Could I ever be re-assured enough? I don't know. Maybe a lesson is to trust again.
I was thinking that you know I really have no desire to leave my house. It's not a fear of going any where. I just don't need to go anywhere or really I just don't want to go anywhere. I mean I loved my trip to the UK and I'm looking forward to Vegas but I just don't feel the need to go anywhere. I mean grocery shopping and such is one thing. I was thinking about people to hang out with... Well, my sister is in Montana for the Gods only know how long. There's Courtney but I feel like I would just be bothering her. Her life is pretty darn full. The others I just don't know well enough to just hang out with them. Plus hanging out with these people now when I didn't before smacks of using to me. So I can't really do that. I'm suppose to go to Border's Pagan's on Monday nights. I haven't felt like going the last 3 or 4 weeks. Don't feel like being that social. I don't know maybe I'm afraid of what may be there.
So here I sitting wondering and pondering my life. Where it goes for now I have no clue. I want to know who stole the repair manual though.
3 Comments:
would it worry u if i said your starting to sound like me??????
Matt
x
Well... probably not. lol I would ask if you mean the whinging part. *grins* I guess I was just letting my thoughts run wild in my head. Things were a little disjointed but it was all that was going on in my head.
G
I know Osran... If I fell in love and couldn't move forward with it, then what? You know? It's a fucking scary world out there.
Just think if I had your courage. I swear I've been wanting to leave this country which is something that has been going on in the last year. A desire to leave everything I know behind. I have no idea where I'd go or even what I'd do. I need to win the lottery and then I don't have to worry about those little problems. *grins*
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