The Nightmare

2012

2012-01-14T11:23:00.002-05:00

When I was a child I never thought of time. Other than when I could get to the barn to ride Sassy time had no meaning. Now I sit here and it's 2012. I think to my relations before and wonder if they too watch a new century roll in and hit 12 years more. What did they see and do? What were their hopes and dreams for that time of their lives? We can look back and say oh in 1900 this happened and in 1912 this happened. For us living in this time it new and maybe not so shiny. Think of those living through the Civil War and they come out on the other side to a changing country. Those who lived through the Revolutionary War (and every war that has been fought on US soil)and you wonder what they would have thought about 2012. Could they conceive what this country would be?

I'm sure that people thought there were changes needing to be made but with all the social media we can share these thoughts with others. Those people may agree or disagree with what we feel but we share anyway. The world seems much smaller now. I can chat with a person on the other side of the world as if they were sitting at a table with me. Countries that seemed so distant are now close because we share. The people can talk and they don't have the politicians saying what they want us to hear. We can hear it from the people in those countries. Yes, there will be people who are negative about what they are experiencing even if it's not bad but that is okay. This is the inside of the people and we can share it now.

I'm sure this social media stuff has all government uneasy because now we aren't dependent on the media for information. We can hear from personal experience of others. Yes they are worried what could happen. I guess they never thought that a revolution could happen again but of course it could. It could have happened back in the 1700's. I don't know where the country is headed but to some it's headed to hell in a handbasket. For me I'm not sure if it's good or bad.

The economy, well it sucks to be truthful. It is the politicians fault for letting big companies in and take control. It's their fault because they no longer work for us but for their future which doesn't include the rest of us. Do I believe in redistribution of wealth? Hell no. I do however believe that we should all be on a level playing field. Say if the average person pays 10% of their worth then so should those who are rich. No one should be allowed to hide their money with the loopholes that the government chooses not to close. I think we should have term limit so they don't get so comfortable that they forget who put them in office. Oh wait yes they remember and that's why they pass laws that will help the big companies. How silly of me to forget. I do love my country. I don't like the politicians who are trying to destroy it. No I don't follow a party line. I could careless about that but I do want the best person for the job. It's not really too much to ask for, is it?

2011-12-29T11:04:00.002-05:00

Here it is December 29, 2011 and I'm at my computer listening to the Beatles Abbey Road. That is such a great album. Things haven't changed much over the years I guess. Other than I'm married and happy to be with Chuck. It's been fun and annoying getting use to his habits. haha Right now my lower back is killing me and I don't know why. Actually my whole body has some pains. They aren't severe or even really bad but they are annoying. I should start doing yoga I think. Enough for me today.

Always Changing

2011-12-19T08:54:00.002-05:00

Yes life is always changing. Me, sometimes I feel I haven't changed at all that I'm stuck in a place in my life. I don't mean in a bad way just I don't feel any growth.

Matt, the oldest has been doing pretty well at his job and making a good living. I love that man and he probably doesn't realize how much. He is sometimes distant and seems to be embarrassed by the attention I give him so I try not to make a huge public display.

Michael, the youngest is now at his duty station but still stateside. That will change this next year. Last time I wrote I told of his having two fractures in his legs. Now he has a broken arm. Luckily it is healing properly. He wasn't happy they put a cast on his left arm. He is doing well. I miss him so much.

Chuck, my love is doing good. I know he misses the beach and he is so good to be patient with me.

Mom is doing well but getting old as she says. I still don't think of her as being old though. Heck I'm at the age that I never thought of her as being. She recently had to have her dog Big Girl put down.

Gay is doing better but nothing has changed as far as the divorce. She is starting to come out of her shell some.

Me, I'm getting older and I have hurts that I've never had before. My left index finger has recently started telling me about the weather. Not happy about that. I feel the age thing creeping up on me. It's raising it's ugly head to stare me in the face.

I miss not having money to do what ever I want to do. I mean the bills are paid and food on the table but just goofying off money. Things are getting better and will continue too. That's what I believe.

Signing off. I'm going to try and do this everyday. We'll see if I can.

2011-03-18T12:29:00.002-04:00

It's been almost a year since I've posted. Time flies when nothing is happening. Real estate has crashed and I haven't sold anything in forever. I have given great consideration to giving up on the career. What's the point if I'm not making any money?

It's close to Chuck and my 2nd anniversary. However we've been in ea`h others lives since March 16th of 2005.

Michael joined the Army and has two fractures and still hasn't made it out to be considered a soldier. I hate the thought of him ever being deployed but I want him to do what is right for him. I want him to do what he wants with his life. It's been a tough road with this.

Just an update, a real one

2009-10-19T18:08:00.004-04:00

It's been a while, as usual, since I've updated this blog. Heck the past post wasn't really a post. It was just filler.

This year has seen some things happen. I got married in March. March 30th to be exact. We got tired of people saying have you gotten married yet so we went ahead and did it. We went to the courthouse and stood in front of the judge and took our vows. It felt strange, like it wasn't something necessary. I guess because we both had already decided we were married. This just made it legal. Chuck's a sweetie and I'm glad that he is in my life. I'm still not always sure when he is joking though.

Let's see, I left Keller Williams and now work with Hutson Realty. Hutson isn't as money driven as KW is. Not that I have anything against KW at all but I felt like they were always trying to get money from me. I'm not the only one who has said this though.

I'm considering doing something else with my life. I've yet to find the thing that is my passion. Sometimes I feel like I have no passion for anything. Nothing seems to really speak to me. Then I had this thought the other day. Growing up I was never driven to do anything. Now I look and see all these things that would have been so cool to do for a living. Most of those things are out of my health range now. I want to do something, something meaningful to me. That's as far as I get though. I just don't know that that something is.

Sorting Hat

2009-01-14T11:22:00.001-05:00

Your result for The Sorting Hat Test...

Slytherdor

You scored 34% Order/Chaos, and 51% Moral/Rational

Chaotic with a moral/rational split. Outside rules and regulations bug you, but how you determine conduct for yourself depends - you have a dose of self interest in you, but you've also got a streak of solid morality. Your strengths arise from being able to see past strict rules, but this also can be a weakness when people don't know if they can trust you to follow procedure and aren't sure for what reasons you might deviate.

The 4-grid I used to determine this is as follows:

	Chaotic	Orderly
Moral	Gryffindor	Hufflepuff
Rational	Slytherin	Ravenclaw

Take The Sorting Hat Test at HelloQuizzy

Witchgrove Members

2008-10-03T10:11:00.002-04:00

I know you are tired of reading this.

If you are a member of WG and haven't responded to the request that has been sent out you will be deleted from the group. You have until October 10th before we start deleting members who haven't responded. So please if you haven't already sent us a note to let us know you want to stay on the group.

And The Wheels Go Round

2008-09-16T17:02:00.002-04:00

Life is going well. I have times where I am not happy or I'm confused but for the most part It's good.

We've been going through all of dad's stuff and it's just a little strange. I keep thinking that he would have a fit that we didn't see these things the way he thought of them. He kept stuff that most people would throw away. Guy has had a hard time working is way through. The tools have a lot of meaning to him because he and dad worked on cars together early on. Also some of the other tools were use to make stuff and Guy remembers or used them. All the memories. Gay just wanted things packed. I'm just going happily along laughing at the things dad kept. That's not to say everything wasn't worth keeping but this man kept every nut, bolt, nail, screw and things like that. He always said you never knew when one of them would be needed. There are things going on that have pissed me off and I keep telling myself they don't matter. yet I'm still pissed off about them. I shouldn't be but I'm tired of hearing two phases that are being said. Of course I don't want to start any fights but I'm getting close to just unleashing it all.

Mom will be moving soon, next week to be more exact. I won't miss the drive up to see her but I will miss all the dinner memories we had there. Dad died there but I know that doesn't mean that's where he is but still it was the last place I saw him alive in body.

The Past is Past

2008-08-20T18:54:00.001-04:00

A year ago today I came home from seeing dad in the physical for the last time. This day last year I came home and wrote how it was the first time I felt death around him. How true that feeling was. Tomorrow at 5:19 am was when I got the call. It's been a year, almost. It's strange but earlier this month it hit me that it was almost the anniversary of his death. I had to look up the date though. The time however is really stuck in my mind but the date was hard for me to remember.

Today Gay wanted to go to the cemetary and I really didn't but didn't want her to go by herself. Dad is not there and I really don't think going there means I love him anymore than I did when he was alive. I'm not a big believer in the cemetary being a place that shows how much you love the person that left. I think it's more of a place that people want to go to remember. I'd rather remember him at home picking on everybody. To remember his sense of humor. To remember how funny he was about his cars or animals. To remember his smile and that devilish grin when he was causing troulble. I want to remember his hugs and that can't be found in a cemetary. Today I decided that I won't be going back until someone else dies. Dad never went to the cemetary unless there was a family furneral he had to attend. I don't think he thought it was the place to be either. lol

I use to think dad was a little weird in his thoughts about furnerals but now I understand it. He didn't like flowers so he said he didn't want any. Make sense as they are a waste of money. He didn't want someone singing, because he would rather have a party. He didn't want people to see him after he was dead. I didn't want to have that picture in my mind either. I'm very against furnerals as it causes too much pain.

I'm here

2008-07-16T21:24:00.003-04:00

I'm still here. I keep forgetting about this blog. Sorry about that. Life is great and 'm still very much in love. Work is slow but picking up. My dad's passing anniversary is coming up. Mom is doing really well on that front.

I'll try to do better in keeping this up.

I'm One of the Chosen!

2008-03-30T12:25:00.000-04:00

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Vandalizing the Tor

2007-10-01T14:11:00.000-04:00

Pixie sent me this link and it got me all pissed off.

You know I have to wonder why people do these kinds of things. Then to read that one of the members of Fathers 4 Justice did this really made me wonder. I mean does this guy think that vandalizing history will change father's rights? What an ass he is. I hope he rots in hell. What did he gain by doing this other than give the organization a bad name. If I lived over there and they were out trying to get donations I would tell them flatly hell no. Then I'd tell them why. They should be made to pay for restoration of the Tor and the damage done.

Yeah stupid crap like this just pisses me off. I don't get any vandalizism though.

Just an update

2007-04-12T22:04:00.000-04:00

You know it's been a while since I updated my blogger but the reason is when I shifted over to the new version of Blogger I couldn't get in.

http://knownissues.blogspot.com/2006/12/users-who-have-their-internet-explorer.html

That will tell you how to if you are having problems getting in.

Things are going great with me. I haven't sold anything yet but I'm working on it.

I'm going up tomorrow to see Chuck for a week. I know I haven't said much about him here but I wasn't ready to. In March I went up for 2 weeks and stayed with him. Yep I enjoyed myself. It was nice to have no interruptions from animals. I walked on the beach and it was nice. The weather turned cool unfortunately so I didn't get on the beach as much as I would have liked. Chuck was really wonderful too.

Most of my updates are in LJ cause blogger has been stupid.

Well my dad is starting to stay in bed more, more pain but he refuses to take any morphine cause it makes him really sick. Can't blame him there. I spoke with a man from the VFW and they are going to get him a flag. Dad was promised a flag when he retired but they didn't give him one. It was one of the things that dad said he wanted before he died. Notice I said one of the things. lol He is off and on now. Sometimes he is up and sometimes down. He still has a sense of humor though. lol

Strange things

2007-02-25T10:29:00.000-05:00

This morning as I was getting ready to go to see mom and dad I heard an owl. Now my dad's mother always believed that they foretold death. I've never felt that way about owls. Though this morning I heard it only one time and I thought one week. I hope I'm wrong with that thought. I mean it could be a month or a year. However a week was what came to mind, very clearly. I guess it could be something else.

Friday and work

2006-12-16T20:49:00.000-05:00

I had floor duty on friday so that means I had to be in the office. A good thing happened. A couple called in and wanted someone to show them around some houses they saw. So they are people I'm working with. My first! Yep... We looked at the 4 houses they wanted to see and they liked a couple of them but aren't sold on them. So I have to find them a house they do want to buy. The man told me that now I knew what they were looking for to find them a house. Yeah it's exciting. :-D

In My Life

2006-11-29T12:58:00.000-05:00

There are places I rememberAll my life though some have changedSome forever not for betterSome have gone and some remainAll these places have their momentsWith lovers and friends I still can recallSome are dead and some are livingIn my life I've loved them all

In My Life
By Lennon and McCartney

This morning I had the radio on while I was decorating the tree and this song came on. A feeling of loss, of missed love, of other times flooded me. It took me back and I realized that even the men I didn’t truly care for hold a place in my heart. The thought doesn’t seem odd to me for I believe that we are always brought together with people from one reason or another. Maybe those that I truly didn’t care for had something they needed to work out with me. I don’t know. It could have been nothing more than souls connecting in this time.

Today it seems places in my past are rises up to remind me of something. This is not unpleasant but still it is hurtful. The ones I loved seem to have no lasting love for me. The ones I didn’t love seemed to love me. It wasn’t that after I found out they loved me that I decided I didn’t love them. I knew that from the beginning. I wasn’t running from love but I was running to what I hoped was love. Is it that the ones I loved burned out to quickly in a flame that was too intense for them? Or was it the intensity of the flame frightened them? I don’t know it could have been just sex to them.

Ah, the complicated world of love. There is never enough and sometimes too much. A contradiction in even the best of times. The word love should never be used unless it is really felt. There are those of us who have this rule and stick with it. Those who abuse it have no concept of how another may feel about it. I’m not a gushy love type of person because I guard it and hold it close to me. Though there is a part of me that would like to think I can be a free loving person.

Guard your love, and guard it tight,
For no telling which way the wind blows tonight.
A darkness sneaks in and takes it away,
And yet you knew it’d never stay.
You watch it as it leaves your life,
And wonder why there is always this strife.
Love is wonderous this is true,
But it can leave you feeling blue.

Is it worth your heart and soul.
To let in to watch it unfold?
Some would say yes indeed,
Yet I sit and wonder should I let it seed.
For it seems to bring to much pain for me.

There are a few who I did love with my heart and soul. Yet I found myself still left out and cold. Some still speak of love as if it still was the same but like the lyrics say “And these memories lose their meaning”. Love changes and yes the memories lose their meaning. It’s a bittersweet realization when it hits you really. You’ve both moved on but you still have that special place in your heart for the person but to you yours seems more real than theirs. Empty words they say to you, when they say I still love you. It’s not so when they have someone else in their life that has changed their world for them. It seems selfish to not be thrilled for them to have found someone they feel so strongly about. Still, it is what it is. Maybe you facilitated them being able to be together but it doesn’t make it better. Do I resent the time I spent, no not at all. It’s just sad is all. I don’t lose love well because I hold it so tightly. Maybe that’s part of the problem.

For all I know I will end up alone, it doesn’t mean unhappy, just alone. I think it would be safer for me actually. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about whether someone was being truthful or not. Of course then another part of me says but then you miss the love that is out there. I need time to work it out, but then all I have is time.

2006-11-25T13:14:00.000-05:00

It's been quite awhile since I've updated here.

I've moved into my new house. Today I am trying to set up my office. However the strain of the move has injured my left elbow so I have to give it a break too often. It does look better in my to be office though. Slowly but surely things are getting in place.

I passsed my state exam for real estate and now have my license. I have it hung at Oprandi Realty. I start Monday. Figured it'd be best after the Turkey Day holidays. So yay me means I have to get ready to learn real stuff instead of the crap the school taught. lol

Still getting things situated in the house. It's starting to look like a home... Finally!

The dogs aren't happy because they don't have a fence to run the yard in yet. I'm not turning them loose.

Up's and down's

2006-10-21T18:40:00.000-04:00

I think this post is going to be just a little about everything. lol

My dad's little squirrel died and he is depressed. It gave him something to look forward to, a reason to get up in the morning. Since my dad has cancer he tells everyone he is a dead man. Ok, I guess it's his way of dealing with what he knows will eventually come but dang. I'm sure the people he tells that too become uncomfortable. I know I would. Dad has been going back to bed in the morning. My mom said that the little booklet they gave her on dying said he'd start doing that. Also that he would start taking more naps until he just went to bed and stayed there. She sounded pretty depressed when she told me that the other day. I just let her talk when she starts about things like that. I hope it does her good to be able to talk about it.

I've been spending a lot more time with Gay and I'm enjoying that. She is too though. At least she knows she can trust me. She and I had lunch with Lisa the other day at this little Japanese place that was good. Then we went to my house and measured for mirrors. I guess on Monday I'll go and see what kind of cool mirrors I can find for the bathrooms. Someone stole 3 ceiling fans from the house, before they were put up. The sheet rock guy has been there and made a mess where he was fixing the places in the wall that needed fixing. The house looks spotted on the inside now because of it. lol I really want to move. Oh gay read my cards and the first thing that came up is that I was in a hurry to get moved. Imagine that! *grins* I need to go the the Grove and ask for a reading. The one gay did for me was specifically about the house.

I'm so tired of packing. I found out that Matt is going to be moving in and doing work on the house after I leave. Throws a wrench in my plans to turn off all the utilities so it would take time to get them turned back on. It came to me this morning that maybe Michael isn't packing anything because he wants to stay here. It hit me this morning while I was laying in bed. Who knows. I don't doubt Michael's love for me so I wouldn't take it as that but something is up. Still it would hurt me if he decided not to stay with me. Then again, it gives me a freedom that I'm wanting. Ok, I'm torn now. It's not really that I don't want Michael there, far from it.

I need a roadtrip.

Day in and Day out

2006-10-17T17:47:00.000-04:00

This morning I was slow to wake. I must say I enjoy my dreams lately. lol

Upon waking I noticed that the sky was dark and it was still raining. It had been raining when I went to sleep. Today has had a great feel about it. I love the rain and the way it feels. It's something that I've always loved. It makes me happy. So I went for my criminal background check today and they will have done on Thursday. It amazes me that they think it takes so long. It's on a computer, you pull it up and there it is. Print it out.. Done! LOL 10 minutes tops.

Still studying for my real estate state exam. I'm getting bored with studying. Oh well, that's life.

Crash and Burn from a blue sky

2006-08-24T08:35:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I was out doing more stuff on the new house. I had to go finish picking out the lighting fixtures and had to pick up a check for the new tv and sound system I bought for the new house. Got that done and was feeling really good, things are falling into place. Then I came back home and brought lunch for Michael and I. I was catching up on emails when my sister called. She was stuck in traffic so we talked for a bit. She missed her hair appointment because of this traffic jam. She decided to take her car tot he dealership and have them check it out and change the oil. She wanted to get a rental but they didn't have anythign to drive so I asked her if she wanted to go with me to pick out the tile for the new house. She said sure and asked if I could take her home and of course I said sure. Now everything was going great. I get to pick out the tile and talk to the guy about the carpet and all of a sudden he is telling me the carpet I picked out is actually a different price than what he told me. SO, I say well that's too much and told he he had told me a different price which btw was his price on the carpet. Now how would I have known that? So I said well what have you got with that same color. Of course there is nothing. The colors of tile I had picked out were based on the carpet color. Sort of it Sis and I went to another carpet store and found another carpet that I liked plus it would match the tile but decided we look at different tile. Since the guy wasn't truthful about the carpet we both decided that chosing a different tile might be good. So now we are back to the right color thing again. Plus the hardwood floor is cheaper at this other place.

So all in all I didn't feel bad about my day and was happy. Oh and I found my smartass bone again. It's been missing since the divorce. So I was feeling pretty good. Then I don't know what happened but there seem to be some kind of communication problem and I feel like someone is mad at me now. Or were mad at me last night anyway. I tossed and turned all night as my mind tried to work through this problem. It may not be a problem but it felt like one. This morning I'm still feeling it and I don't like it. It makes me want to scream out I didn't do anything.

So my day went from pretty damn good to what happened?

What Kind of Are You?

2006-07-30T11:23:00.000-04:00

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this worldSo much so that you tend to live in your head most of the timeYou have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all...But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult
You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you.Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses.Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others.Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life.
Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

2006-07-30T11:06:00.000-04:00

You are a Self-Discoverer

You're not religious, but you've created your own kind of spirituality.Introspective and thoughtful, you tend to look inward for the divine.You are distrusting of all forms of organized religion.You especially dislike religious gurus and leaders, who you feel are charlatans.

What's" Your Religious Philosophy?

For those interested

2006-07-20T10:46:00.000-04:00

From: "Chalice Well Trust" <info@chalicewell.org.uk>
To: <info@chalicewell.org.uk>
Sent: Thu, 20 Jul 2006 12:55:37 +0100
Subject: Ceremony of Love and Thanks to Water

Dear Companion

This is to invite you to attend a Love and Thanks to Water ceremony here at the Chalice Well at 5pm (BST) on Tuesday July 25th. If you cannot attend in person then please energetically link with the ceremonies that are taking place at that time across the world.

Although this ceremony was originally intended to link with Dr Masaru Emoto and Companion Caroline Wyndham beside the Sea of Galilee, the conflict inthat region has made travel there impossible. Residents there however are still planning to perform the ceremony and Caroline will carry it out besidethe ocean near Tel Aviv. Wherever you are, whatever water you can work with, it seems important to add prayers for peace in that area to the ceremony.

As outlined on Dr Emoto's website, we will be joining together to say "I love you" and "Thank you" to all the water on Planet Earth and to fill it with the highest vibration of Love and Thanks that we can possibly experience. He writes, "Please join us to send our Love and Thanks to all the water in our physical body that has been sustaining and nurturing our lives on this planet. 70% of our body is made of water. We owe so much of our health to the water in our body. Then, let us send our Love and Thanks to all the water on Planet Earth. 70% of the surface of the Earth is occupied by water. The environment on planet Earth is maintained by the water circulating in various forms. If it had not been for water, life would not have been created on planet Earth.

"We have a vision that on this day, our Earth will be filled with beautifulgolden/silver light of Love and Thanks that is flowing from the hearts ofeach and every one of us. Golden/silver light is the highest vibration inthe range of visible light, and it will heal and cleanse all the water onearth, be it water of the ocean or that of our own body."

With love and blessings

Chalice Well Trust
Chilkwell Street
Glastonbury
Somerset
BA6 8DDUK

Phone 01458 831154 (+44 1458 831154 from out of UK)
Fax 01458 835528 (+44 1458 835528 from out of UK)

Stuff

2006-07-16T17:04:00.000-04:00

I find myself thinking a lot lately but these are thoughts that do not come to the surface of my mind. These thoughts lay inside and seem locked away. They lay just out of reach. I feel the importance of them yet I don't know them. How can thoughts like these be hidden from you? Your own thoughts keep themselves from you knowing them. How interesting to know your mind is busy working on things and still it doesn't let you know what or how it is going to be resolved.

It seems my life is this way more oft than not. I feel these things laying below the surface but have not yet been able to pull them out. All I can do is sit and wait for them to make themselves known to me. It doesn't make me sad, it just makes me wonder what it is that keeps these things from me.

So life is odd.

What Kind of Flower Are You?

2006-07-13T09:32:00.000-04:00

I am a
Snapdragon

What Flower
Are You?

Something vexes thee?

2006-07-09T18:43:00.000-04:00

Today the boys and I went to see Pirates of the Carribbean. I enjoyed the movie and I have to agree with Anna, I liked when they ripped Orlando's shirt off. lol The scenery was beautiful, and I loved how gorgeous the water was. The beaches were beautiful and made you want to be there.

Mab posted her photos of Glastonbury and I felt homesick. It's interesting since I've been there once. Still it happened. I enjoyed her photos though. One day I'd like to go back and spend more time there.

My neighbor just stopped by and gave me some squash. I thought it was sweet of them really. When I came back in with it I remembered Roxanne's message about getting too much squash and sneaking to neighbors houses and leaving it for the. lol

What is it that life has in store for me? Sometimes I wish I had at least a hint so I would know so I could make the best choices. I'm just happy to be alive I guess but I still wonder. I have so many questions and no answers that I can find. I know in time but again I would like them now. I want so much and yet fear at the same time. I still haven't learned to trust myself.

These are the times I just want to run away and hide. I hate this.

Dickless at his best

2006-07-06T10:40:00.000-04:00

Here is Dickless at his best.

"As I told you I will not be able to continue to support you in that house. As of the end of July I will be off of the utility accounts. I will pay through the end of July. After that you will be responsible for the Cobb County Water, Cobb EMC for gas and electric, Directv and telephone. I am cancelling the dsl at the same time.

I can no longer afford to pay the utilities. Make arrangements to put them into your name. Michael is welcome in my house if he needs to. "

Yeah he is playing phsycological games still. See my birthday was also my wedding anniversary. So what does he send me? Yep this nice little bit of information. I guess it's better than the way he just cut my cell phone and email off.

Yes I still do hope he has a sunstroke and drowns in the pool. It won't make me feel one bit bad.

2006-07-02T10:01:00.000-04:00

I just sat here and watched the movie "Must Love Dogs". I enjoyed it but it made me think. You know about the whole dating thing. I mean in the movie they lied about who they were simpyl for a date. Why? What's the point in lying about who you are? Why tell them you are something you aren't? Why be something you aren't?

I don't know how to be something I'm not.

As I watched the movie I noticed things that really bother me. The insincerity of the men she went out with. Ok, except for one. I find it a little more than fightening that this is what is expected from men. Why are they held to a different standard? I don't want to hear about society, yes I know that's true but why haven't we tried and change it?

Friday

2006-06-24T06:40:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was just one of those days. Tom pushed to get the quitclaim deed and something told me something was up. Not to mention I had other people saying why.

So the closing was suppose to happen yesterday. When things really weren't making any sense I started making some phone calls. I found out when the closing was and where. I asked about them setting up an escrow account so I could be sure and get my money. Then when I told Tom I was waiting for the closing attorney to tell me about the escrow thing he went off. Which made no sense cause he told me to call them and ask. Then I wrote back that I could go to the closing. Again he went off saying that he wouldn't be there. Then he sends another email saying that he would be there. I got Michael to ride with me because I knew he could wait in the lobby and not have to be in the closing. I needed someone to help keep my mind off of the pending doom I felt. So we get to the office and wait for a little, the guy escorts us back to a room because apparently jackass told them I'd be a problem. So the guy comes back after we discussed the money and everything and says oh the house didn't appraise for what we thought. How interesting that the house didn't appraise for what they thought and they just figure it out DURING the closing? So I kept my cool and he said what do you want to do? He said Tom wasn't even there at the closing.

What this part boiled down to was Tom made an offer of $100,000 less than we had agreed on. I guess he thought I'd jump at the money if I were at the closing. I stayed nice to the guy cause it wasn't his fault. The guy asked if I wanted to take the offer and go ahead and close and I said no. So he tried to smooth things over and I stayed nice to him and left.

The thing is Tom was desparate to get the quitclaim deed. He had no intentions of giving me the money he agreed to. He figured he would force me into taking what "he offered" after closing because I'd have no choice. Luckly I have people who warned me of what they saw. So I was suspicious.

Anyway, so I get home and was determined not to let this get to me. I was doing fairly well with it other than being pissed off that he would do something so low. So I am trying to distract myself when I see that something is up with my email. I go and check and he has deleted my email account. On my way to bed I see he has canceled my cell phone also.

2006-06-22T15:50:00.000-04:00

Wholly cow! When is this going to end? I swear to the Gods tom can't just leave things alone. He always has to try and bully me.

This is what I sent him.

"You want a message here it is.

I agreed to the money so pay it. $$$$. Matt said you were holding the $$$$ until I moved out. Sorry that isn't going to work. You will sign a legally binding promissory note as I don't trust you any more nor will I ever again. You lied to me for 2 years. You said you would pay the utilities for me and you said that in the attorney's office and he remembers you saying it. He remembered you saying you would pay me $30,000 a year also. He remembers how you agreed to everything. He and I discussed the decree so I know exactly what it said.

Guess what I'm not intimidated by you so shut up. You have no control over me. The sooner YOU are out of my life the better. I guess I was a fool to ever believe you or your word. Shame on me for that.

You word means nothing. You promised my dad as you have promised Michelle's dad you would always take care of me. Obviously a lie. You told me a few weeks ago you would always be there for me, again another lie. I wish Michelle good luck with a liar like you.

You need mental help.

Plus you brought Matt into this so blame yourself and take some responsibility for once in your life.

So give me a legally binding Promissory note for $$$$, $$$$ of that to be paid on Monday June 26, 2006 and I want a security deed for that $$$$. You will get the quitclaim deed when I have the promissory note.

I should be out August 1st and I should have that $$$$ before then.

May you live in interesting times."

Now I'm waiting to hear back from him. He has gone from total asshole to trying to be in control of himself just today. I have two nasty voicemails and one that he is speaking reasonably. This is how he does stuff. He uses intimidation if he can and then if that doesn't work he actually tries to be a person. I just wish he would learn that being nasty doesn't make him right.

SOLARA'S SURF REPORT FOR JUNE 2006

2006-06-18T10:32:00.000-04:00

SOLARA'S SURF REPORT FOR JUNE 2006
Turning the Tide

During the final days of May, a noticeable Turning Point was reached.

The clouds parted and revealed a bright, shining sun. We had almost forgotten how beautiful the sun could be.... 2006 has been a full and challenging year so far. It's been similar to traversing a minefield; we have to be fully conscious with each step. We simply can't do things in the old ways anymore. There has been a continuous procession of elements, people, tasks, responsibilities, attitudes and perceptions leaving our lives.

For the past few months, many of us have been going through the Fires of Initiation. This hasn't been easy at times, but it has been extremely effective. The drawbridges of the past and of our old ways of being have burned to a crisp and no longer exist. There is no going back to the "Way Things Used To Be".

NO DOWN- NO RETURN has intensified.

No matter how busy we have been, we have continually been thrown back on ourselves. Most of us have had to deal with the issues before us by ourselves. There has been a constant sorting out of the people around us based on issues of integrity and values. We have learned what kind of energies we can't be around anymore and what qualities we most value. We have also experienced a parade of people from earlier in this lifetime or from further back in our past lives returning for that final round of completion. Each time this happens, it gives us another petal on our Lotus and makes us more whole and free. Our beings are becoming much truer. We are more stripped down and real than ever before. All of this must happen before we are able to launch ourselves fully into the New. This is why there have been so many birthing pains to bring forth the New. Very little has effortlessly glided into position, even those things which feel so right. In fact, the elements which feel the most important have been the ones most delayed. No matter how hard we tried, they simply didn't fall into place like we so fervently wanted them to. It hasn't been a matter of rightness; we unquestionably know that they are right. It's just that the conditions haven't been ready for them to manifest.

WE ARE THE TURNERS OF THE TIDE

It's important to understand that we can't passively wait for the conditions to change. This will not happen on its own. It is our responsibility to create the new conditions so they can happen. However, we don't create the proper conditions by running around trying to force things to happen; rather, we do it by changing our inner selves to a new level and then bringing this through to our outer environment. The first four months of this year emphasized inner transformation. In May, we finally started to apply the deep core level changes we have been experiencing all year to our outer lives. This will continue throughout June with promising results. The more we incorporate our true selves into our everyday lives, the more our needs will be met and our lives will transform into what we really want. Now that the Tides are Turning, emphasis has moved to transforming the outer. This will be in effect for the rest of the year. During the last week of May, we could suddenly see a path of shining stepping stones before us. Although the entire path is not yet fully delineated, we can at least see some steps in front of us. If we follow these stepping stones, they will lead us to where we most want to go. We need to walk with openness and sureness. Placing our feet only on the stones which will bring us true nourishment. They aren't that difficult to find because they have a totally different energy than the elements that are leaving us. There is a feeling of support rather than heaviness. There is a sense of newness and joy.

THE LOTUS WORLD

All year long we have been in the midst of a process of deep self cleaning and purification. This is touching all levels of our beings. Much of this is caused by our approach to the next 11:11 Activation, the opening of 8th Gate which heralds our entrance into the Lotus World, the realm of purest True Love. Lotuses constantly clean themselves and their environment and this is exactly what we are learning to do. This is why many of us are being called to clean up our living spaces, not just the usual tidying up, but by an in depth going through of the hidden corners and neglected places within and without. This is done efficiently with a lack of resistance or struggle. We are finding and clearing out the skeletons in our closets, washing the windows, getting rid of more piles of old stuff, then painting, rearranging and recalibrating everything until it shines with newness. Each time that our inner beings move to a new level, we need to reset and recalibrate the energetic fields of our immediate environment.

NO DOWN - NO RETURN

The deeper we enter the Lotus World, the more we discover that we can no longer live in the realm of drama. This includes drama that is caused either by us or by others. This drama free world is part of NO DOWN - NO RETURN. It is a world without gossip, without manipulation, without innuendo, without emotional distortion. We need to release any old misunderstandings and perceived slights that we are still holding onto. Otherwise we will get stuck in the black hole of endless processing which merely feeds the distortion and becomes a net that entraps us. We are not victims; that is one of the illusions of duality that must be let go of right now. Holding onto old hurts simply keeps us small and keeps us hooked into duality. Forgive anyone whom you feel harmed you. Forgive yourself. Let it all go and turn your attention back on your own self and onto embodying your full potential. This is a critical time when we are all greatly needed in our full presence. Let's stop looking backwards and stop giving our energy away to any distortion or drama.

NO DOWN - NO RETURN.

CHOPPY SURF

Throughout June, there will be occasional disturbances caused by patches of Choppy Surf which stir up the sediment of our beings and bring everything up to to surface, often in a distorted and magnified manner. This is when there are sudden misunderstandings that are blown up way out of proportion. When this happens, we need to watch that we don't get drawn into thinking that they are real, because they are not.... Some of the larger waves of the Choppy Surf will feel like a cannonball has suddenly been thrown into a still pool. It will knock everything out of balance and create huge waves. Even though we might be temporarily knocked over by the waves, it will be surprisingly easy to pick ourselves up and restore equilibrium. These disturbances act much like earthquakes, bringing sudden, unexpected energetic shifts that are greatly needed. And there will also be actual physical earthquakes to do this as well. Most of the month we will feel quite positive, with an underlying sense of excitement that something amazing is about to happen, although there will be times when we are struck with a feeling of rising anxiety. This happens whenever we remember that we are traveling on a rapidly melting iceberg that is floating out to sea. There is no need to panic, although we could all come up with several logical reasons to do so. Our melting iceberg is necessary to get us to our new places. June will be a busy month full of activity. It will take our focused effort to further complete the old and move into the New. Often it will feel as if we were traveling through a birth canal with that sense of concentrated pressure and the need to push through any perceived obstacles. If we give it our all, we will be astounded at the progress we have made by the end of the month. And even though there is much to accomplish, we will still experience moments when the fog of inertia rolls in upon us and brings all activity to an immediate halt. Inertia is still fulfilling a purpose so we might as well accept it for now. The best stance is to follow the path of clearest energy and do what we are able to do. Often, these are not the tasks which we consider our highest priority. They are not our obvious next step. But here they are, standing right in front of us. Two examples from my life are:
1. I was getting ready to finally go to the beach and rummaging through my bathing suits when I discovered a cockroach nest in my drawer. Suddenly my priorities shifted and the entire drawer was emptied and thoroughly scrubbed, all the bathing suits were washed and my beach trip was postponed. It felt really good to discover this energy that I hadn't known existed and clear it from my bedroom.
2. I was writing a Surf Update when I heard a large crash from another part of my house. Obviously, my cat had knocked something over. Instead of running to see what it was, I finished the Update. Then I discovered that a fountain had been knocked over in the entry hall which was now totally flooded. It took me over an hour to remove all the furniture and mop up the floor. But now my entry hall is shining with the cleanest floor in the house.

THE WINDS OF CHANGE

Part of June's Turning of the Tides is a major loosening. This frees up many elements which have long been stuck. Once the resolutions finally arrive, we will be amazed at how natural they feel. We will realize that we have found the perfect resolutions and that they were worth waiting for. The Winds of Change are blowing again, sweeping away the old and bringing in the New. The Winds of Change will bring in some strong bursts of positive energy. Around mid month they will intensify and that's when we'll experience major breakthroughs. The Winds of Change will create a Quantum Surf. Everything will accelerate. There will be some surprisingly changes coming into our lives. Some of these might be in the BIG THREE categories of Relationships, Careers & Residence. Many of us have a yearning to break free of the past and our old limiting behaviors once and for all. We are ready to embrace the New, if only we knew how to get there. People who have long been hermits are longing for companionship and love while those who have been surrounded by people are yearning for some time by themselves. Many of us feel ready to unite with our One True Loves, if only we knew where they were. (This is a natural occurrence once we go deeper into the Lotus World.) We are ready for new, more fulfilling careers. We want to move to our rightful place. We want to be fully supported on all levels. The Tides are going to Turn in June. More stepping stones will be revealed. New connections and new opportunities will appear when we least expect them. No matter what, remain open and open hearted. Be spontaneous. Don't make small choices, for they will only lead you into a dead end. Allow the Winds of Change to reset your internal compass and perhaps you just might find yourself led to a wondrous new direction.

Carol Vickery/ Tao Herb Farm
Box 327, Salmo, B.C. V0G 1Z0
http://www.taoherbfarm.com
info@taoherbfarm.com
Nurturing plants, nurtures the soul

Your Behavior is your only Savior

You are the collective consequence of your behaviors - all your thoughts; all your words; and all your deeds

What We Say, Be & See - We Become

"Re-member that what you focus on grows. "
" Tend your garden with loving care. "
In the Name of ONE, Sandy

Your answers all lie Within You. I suggest We each Use Our Own Discernment to Distinguish What is "Ours" and what is for someone else!
In the Name of ONE, Sandy http://oneflynangel.com

2006-06-16T16:00:00.000-04:00

I don't know which way to turn. One attorney I spoke with was more pushy and would probably enjoy fighting with Tom. My original attorney is like me, laid back. He said I should try to negotiate with Tom. He said there is a lot of what if's to deal with.

Tom owes $14,500 in back child support

2006-06-12T20:52:00.000-04:00

Tom = Prick

2006-06-10T19:34:00.000-04:00

No Tom has employed a different tactic. This is what he sent me.

"At some point we are going to have to talk about the house deal and what your expectations are. I have an opportunity to be able to get the money that you need and you aren’t cooperating. Not quite what I expected…

Call or write.."

Now he is being helpful and doesn't understand WHY I'm not being cooperative. What this tells me is he understands he doesn't have the control he thought. I saw this same approach when Dallas wasn't letting him control her. He started a different approach. When he was pissy with her and she didn't respond he start acting like the above bit.

Then he sends me an email that says what does my week look like? Erm... He isn't paying me and I'm suppose to give a crap? lol Yeah right. Here is the funny thing. He doesn't know I'm not working anymore. lol I'll let him know on Monday what his week looks like only because I don't want him over here. For that fact I'll send him all the things that I had scheduled for him.

Why Some Ex's Should be Destroyed

2006-06-09T20:21:00.000-04:00

Ok so here is where it stands.

He called me today, which I pressed ignore, I listened to his voice mail he wants to know what time on Sunday he can bring an appraiser by to look at the house. Hmmmm never? I look at the divorce papers and it says 3 appraisers that we BOTH agree on. This is the first I've heard of this appraiser and I'm not agreeing to it until I can check him out. Sunday is not a normal day for them to work so I know he is doing this on the side. This AIN'T gonna work.

I get an email from him asking when. So I wrote back and said Sunday isn't good. This is his response.

"Why is it not good for me to show the appraiser? Is this going to turn into a battle? Are we going to have to fight over this?"

He started it. He is the one who came on and started demanding. He is the one who says he isn't paying the salary he promised. We will see.

Now he is emailing me about the American Express cards. He is trying to pin stuff on me that I didn't charge. He is such a wanker. He is trying to say I've spent $10,000 since December. There are charges that happened in Florida. I haven't been there in years. He was there this year. Maybe he should check Michelle's card. he is a stupid bastard. I sent him a email that said fuck you, you aren't pinning this all on me. He sent back no fuck you. I always loved a good fuck you fight.

He is not in control and will not control me again. So Tom might as well stick his head up his own ass cause I'm done with him.

Oh I forgot to mention I found out why he wants me to leave so quickly. He is trying to get married the end of July or first of August. He is such a dick and she is going to take him for everything he has. His problem not mine.

2006-06-02T21:09:00.000-04:00

Now the fight begins.

I'm sitting here tonight enjoying a movie and decide to check emails. I haven't really felt like being part of anything but have read and responded to a few. There lurking was one from Tom.

"I have scheduled June 23rd as the closing for the house. Please see what arrangements you can make after the closing to be out of the house. After I close with the loan I will need to do repairs and cleanup. What is your status and timing with James?"

Now first thing he seems to have forgotten is I don't have to agree to the closing just because he says so. The part about James (my builder) is in reference to my new house. So I wrote him back.

"Make sure you add in there my salary for the past two years also. The 23rd is not reasonable for me to be out as you know that the house can't be done in 3 weeks. I'll push James and Dale as hard as I can to get it finished quickly though."

I didn't think that was nasty sounding or anything. So he responds.

"Don’t you think living free and spending at will on my credit card as well as the cash and checks you have gotten cover your salary? Don’t start this now. You know better….

I can’t get in there to get it ready for resale until you are out. I can’t give you that kind of money and let you continue to live there. Our deal was June 1st. You have done nothing to help me get there and you know it."

Ummm that's what he agreed to do. So no I don't think that's right. Plus he has already said he is going to live here. Maybe he has decided to move to Texas. I don't care about that part. He came up with the June 1st thing, I never agreed to it. So I responded back.

"I'm not doing this with you Tom. You know the deal we made. I've not pushed you on anything. I've bent to everything. Don't think I'm stupid. Don't think you can still walk over me.

Have I pushed you on child support? Which you know I could have at anytime but I didn't because I didn't want that to come between us. I didn't push you on Salary or alimony. I didn't try to get part of the business. I didn't try to get any of the cars. I didn't try to take you and I don't know why you think you are the martyr."

I feel such anger and hate for his attitude at this moment. Frustration and betrayal. Why should I have been surprised? I just want to cry. I want to do evil things to him. I want to hurt him. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me. Continously. Yet on some level I hear let it go.

Oh the things I feel myself wanting to do but would these be things I'd owe him karma for? I don't know.

Patrick Stewart's Memorial Service this weekend!!

2006-05-24T19:35:00.000-04:00

MEMORIAL DAY
is the American holiday that remembers and honors US military war
dead. This year it is on Monday, May 29.

Sgt. Patrick Stewart, a Nevada National Guardsman and a Wiccan, was
killed in action by terrorists in Afghanistan on September 25, 2005.
He died in the service of the United States in Operation Enduring
Freedom, also known as the War on Terrorism which the USA launched
following terrorist attacks on America on September 11, 2001.

Sgt. Patrick Stewart made the ultimate sacrifice and deserves the
same respect and honor given the other war dead. He deserves to have
his memorial plaque with his emblem of belief on it, the Pentacle, at
this Memorial Day, the first after his death.

More about Sgt. Stewart has just been posted on-line:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle/stewartlifeand
times.htm

Thus far, the US Department of Veterans Affairs (VA) has failed to
give Sgt. Stewart the honor that he deserves. Despite repeated
requests to approve the Pentacle over the past 9 years, the VA still
has not approved the Pentacle for inclusion on government-issued
memorial markers, plaques, and headstones for deceased veterans.

Because the VA has still not approved the Pentacle, Roberta Stewart,
Sgt. Stewart's widow, is holding a special Memorial Day service to
honor him, to memorialize deceased veterans of all religions, and to
issue a public call to hold the VA accountable for upholding the US
Constitution by providing equal treatment for all the religions of
deceased veterans.

ABOUT THE EVENT:

Sgt. Patrick Stewart Freedom for All Faiths Memorial Service
Memorial Day, May 29, 2006
at the Out of Town Park in Fernley, Nevada
the site of the new memorial for war dead

More details:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle/stewartmemoria
l.htm

This special Memorial Service has begun getting media attention:

Las Vegas Review-Journal on May 22, 2006
Lack of recognition for Wiccan symbol prompts alternative memorial
http://www.reviewjournal.com/lvrj_home/2006/May-22-Mon-
2006/news/7509332.html

Officials have begun issuing public statements of support:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle/quotesofsuppor
t.htm

HOW TO HELP:

(1) NETWORK: Circulate copies of this email widely and ask others to
do the same. Post it on email lists, websites, and on-line bulletin
boards. Forward it to those you know who might be interested. Also
let them know about our website with more details:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle

(2) MEDIA: Encourage media to cover this event and this issue (press,
radio, television, internet).

A press release about the event:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle/stewartmemoria
lrelease.htm

A fact sheet on the Pentacle for Veterans quest:
http://www.circlesanctuary.org/liberty/veteranpentacle/calltova.htm

(3) ATTEND: If you wish to attend the event, please email
liberty@... by Noon, Friday, May 26 for additional
details.

(4) SPIRITUAL SUPPORT: Please continue to do meditations, rituals,
prayers, and other spiritual workings in support of Pentacle approval
by the VA and in support of Roberta Stewart and others who are
working on this quest.

(5) STAY INFORMED: Additional updates will be sent out in future
editions of this occasional e-bulletin, Circle Times. Subscriptions
are free -- sign up on-line: http://www.circlesanctuary.org -- and
click on the URL in the confirming email that you will receive to
complete the subscription process.

Circle Times: Wednesday, May 24, 2006

Joy to the World

2006-05-17T09:07:00.000-04:00

Jeremiah was a bullfrog
Was a good friend of mine
I never understood a single word he said
But I helped him a-drink his wine
And he always had some mighty fine wine
Singin'...

Joy to the world
All the boys and girls now
Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea
Joy to you and me

If I were the king of the world
Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the war
Make sweet love to you

Yep, those thoughts are sweet.

People say you have to have the bad so you will appreciate the good and I say bullocks. I don't have to have something bad happen to know when good things happen. I didn't need for my dad to get cancer for me to love and appreciate the man he is. I still bitch about his bad behavoir and I tell about his good side as well. Ah the lessons to be learned from the bad. Isn't that forced learning? What you can't learn any other way? I believe we can.

Happiness is a wonderful thing. It's healthy. Everything is better because at least you have smile lines instead of worry lines. *smiles* I've been in the darkness lately and I can tell you I don't like it there. It's cold, hard and lonely. I don't mean there has been no one around for me, I mean for me it was personal and it's something I shared only the top layer of. Just enough to keep me from exploding. I decided those lower levels of darkness were mine to find my way back through. I made it through with the knowledge it will not take me again. Is this a lesson where the bad taught me something? Yes, but I feel I could have learned it another way. If I had my heart wouldn't have hurt so much and I wouldn't have felt so alone. Yes, I chose to go through it alone but that's because I never do share my inner self. I do want to thank all of my friends who were there waiting to pick me up if I fell too far for even me to recover.

I look out side my office window and the trees tell me to be still. I know this on some level. They stand strong and straight. I watch them bend and not break. They move when a force comes against them. Not to get away but to show they are strong, that I need to do the same. The leaves move slightly as the breeze pushes past them. They move gentle out of the way as the breeze changes to wind. The tree starts to sway slowly and the tree is no worse for this wind passing through. It becomes like a dance, the leaves twinkle as the light dances off the surface of their faces. Their colors change as the wind twist them around in the sun. That's what life is.

I'm well on the road to re-finding me. A person who has never enjoyed sorrow, one who does everything she knows not to find it. Is the trick to acknowledge sorrow and then release it? Could be. May it is the same with all of the emotions that make your heart heavy. I think we hold those moments of joy longer when we can. We can call them up whenever we chose also. An example. I remember one Christmas when I was 4 years old. I distinctly remember being so intensely jealous that mom and dad had given Gay a model horse and there I stood with a stupid doll. I remember the doll, she was pretty, blonde and she had on a really pretty blue almost purple dress that had white lace on the hem. I turned to pick up another present and I opened it and there, there was a model horse. I was thrilled to say the least. I was filled with so much joy that my heart can still feel it. I think it was the last Christmas I got a doll for a present. *grins* I couldn't tell you what happened to that doll but the horse... I still have him. He is so much worse for the wear. His tail is gone many years back. He has glue on the seams where I glued him back together so many times. He rode in my bicycle basket so many times. His name was Thunderbolt. Hey I didn't name him that was what he was called. He is a palomino. He brought many many years of joy.

Remembering a kind word can hold that same joy. As does a look or touch and yes the flip side can happen too. I try not to think on that. Sadness happened in the past and I want to leave it in the past. It does no good to hold it to you.

Now there may be some of you reading this and thinking oh great, she is one of those people who thinks everything is glitter. I know it's not, everyday on TV they remind us it isn't. However I don't have to allow it into my world. Allowing in gives it a foothold. I want to bring positive things into my life. That is my choice and I don't have on blinders.

I am back.

2006-05-15T19:16:00.000-04:00

I get so tired of being in the middle of things. Tom says stop coddling Michael, then when I don't do things for Michael he swings the other way. It can't be both. For example Michael has a leak in his right rear tire. Tom is whinging about why Michael hasn't taken it to have it fixed. I don't know freakin ask Michael it's his car not mine. Plus when Michael doesn't do something Tom thinks he should, Tom calls me and bitches. It's my fault. Yes cutting this tie will be a great thing.

I give up

2006-04-28T14:41:00.000-04:00

I give up. I just give up.

See all I wanted to do was get out of the house. Go somewhere even for a few minutes. So I went to the house (from the office which is over the garage)to change clothes. I walked in to find that my nephews dog, who Matt my oldest son is baby sitting for, pooped in his cage. The house stunk. The poor dog was terrified which tells me they must spank him. I felt really bad for the dog and didn't fuss at him. I drag the huge dog cage out of the house so I can hose it down. That takes a while. The dog is looking guilty and scared. So I take time with the dog to calm him down. Got the cage cleaned and luckily have another large crate for the dog to be in. I go change clothes, two of my cats are terrified of the dog and won't come out of my room. They are chattering 90 mph at me about it. I get ready to go and wham! My car battery.

It's not bad enough that dad's cancer has spread. No I have to get hit with my freakin car battery dying. The stupid charger went tits up. The Expedition's freakin transmission is out plus it's dead also.

Then my mom called and I tried not to cry or at least to stop crying. I failed and she said what's wrong so I went through the car and dog thing with her. I told her I was just so frustrated. She then told me that when she was pregnant with my sister that she had a doctors appointment and her car wouldn't crank. She called her dad who was a mechanic and he was on his way to help her. She was so upset not to mention hormonal that she picked up and hammer to beat the car with. She said she drew back and heard her dad say Reita Ellen don't you hit that car. lol She said he pittled with it for a little and it cranked up. He told her to come by the garage and he'd replace the battery. You know the difference between me and my mom? I was thinking of getting my 45 and putting a few rounds into my car. Yes I'm hormonal, yes I'm dealing with what's going on with dad and yes at this second it's too much for me to handle.

I just can't deal with anymore right now.

Something I just found

2006-04-27T19:58:00.000-04:00

The Nightmare
by Stevie Nicks

Lyrics

Thrown down through the arms of sleep
She fell through the ivory morning
Deep into the waters
Of the one she called love
She paled in the wake
Of what some call a dream
But, you cannot know a dream
Till you've known the nightmare

When I stood with you against the storm
And I tried once again
Well, I said, "I'd like to leave you
With something warm"
How many times
Drowning in the sea
Drowning
That was when the dream took her prisoner
And she knew the dream was over
But, the nightmare was not over
Still some call that a dream
The nightmare...the nightmare

Well, you cannot know a dream
When you turn away
You don't know
You'll never care
The night is not your friend
And you have not had her
And when the nightmare ends
But, you never understand
When you're gone
She wakes up calling out
Oh, calling out
As children may cry as she will

Anytime...oh, anywhere
Blinded by the light of the day
She has known the nightmare

So about the moon and her sisters
How dare he take them prisoner
Well, if she had flung out her heart against him
Then in all of her wisdom
Oh, well that was a mystery

That was when the dream took her prisoner
And she knew the dream was over
But the nightmare was not over
Somewhere in her ancient ways
She walks through the night
And then she tries to get through the day
Some will never know
Or share any kind of dream

The nightmare
This is not the world
This is not the world
This is not the world
The nightmare
She wants him to fight...anytime, anywhere
She wants him to stand up
She wants him to win
This is not the world
This is not the world
This is not the real world
Blinded by the light of the day
Blinded by the light
She was blinded by the light of the day
Blinded by the day

Dad

2006-04-27T09:56:00.000-04:00

So to catch up here.

My dad has a mass on his liver. He asked the doctor if he had a year and the doctor shook his head no. He asked the doctor if he had six months and the doctor said maybe. This was his oncologist that he spoke with. I asked mom with they had done a biopsy and were sure it was cancer because there are non-cancerous tumors too. She said he hadn't but said he could, though it seems he is convinced that it's cancer.

I was reading on some sites about cancer and I've come to the conclusion they never say anything good. The majority of what I read was negative. I mean don't get me wrong I know that cancer is a bad thing and some types are worse than others. But would it kill these people to try to give hope too? One site said that if a person had liver cancer and it went untreated they had 3 to 4 months. If treated 6 to 18 months possibly. They all push treatment with no talk of alternative possibilities.

This morning I woke up and felt hope although momentarily, I felt it. It disappeared to be replaced with that numbness. I thought today I may move to another stage but I guess not yet. I don't want anger because honestly, it won't do any good. I mean really, who would I be angry at? God? The doctors? Dad? No, so what's the point of anger? Heck I've forgotten what all the stages are. I skipped denial. lol Well he already has cancer so I can't deny it. Impending death? It's waiting for us all when it's our time. I think my anger will come in when he is in pain that they may have trouble controlling. That's when my anger will surface.

The nicest thing I can think of right now is that when this is over at least he will be out of a body that was falling apart. He'll be well. This leads me to think about the point of the body being a shell then now his mind is healthy. Maybe I should really say his soul is. It's a shame we haven't learned how to heal ourselves. I know I'm afraid of what is going to happen because today I've started thinking of running away. To go somewhere, almost like I think it couldn't find me or it wouldn't happen if I weren't here. I know it's not true but my flight or fight is kicking in and I'm choosing flight. I'm a coward when it comes to facing things I don't want to face.

The strangest thing is my knowing that this isn't the end but also of not wanting to lose him in life. Yes I understand spirit and blah blah blah but you all know it's different. The conflict in my mind of those two things is enough to drive me crazy. There's a story in the Zen of Living and Dying that I always think of. A master tells his students of his impending death to which they all began to cry and despair. He asks them why and they say because he is leaving. The master says you cry for yourself because you do not know where I'm going if you did then you would not. Ok that's paraphrased but you get the idea. They cry for their loss not for him. Yes I will be crying for my loss though I hope that the knowledge of knowing there is more and that he isn't truly lost to me will help me handle it better.

Enough for now.

Dazed and Confused but not really

2006-04-11T14:51:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking a lot on way too many thoughts.

Some of these thoughts are more from a curious stand point and other I'm drawn to and want to know the truth on.

I was trying to think of how to put this... It's not that I'm floundering or my faith is in jeapody but my thoughts on God/Goddess/Spirit/The All/ whatever words you choice to discribe it, are tangled up and stuck on old feelings. An example is I have this concern somewhere still in my mind that not acknowledging both God and Goddess is a step backwards. Yet I believe that Spirit/God whatever is all gender. So if it encompasses both then why do I need to be worried that I will be neglectful in my prayers if I don't use the words God and Goddess? Maybe it's the fact that I had to work at making sure I remembered both and my mind just hasn't accepted the other part. I'm working on that though.

I think I need to set up a ritual for everyday. I haven't been doing my greeting the sun ritual lately and I'm just floating around. I hate setting up something that I feel I have to do because I won't do it out of rebellion.

I'll post more later. I have to do some work while I'm thinking of it.

Well work was unsuccessful for now. I never can get someone on the phone when I need to. lol

Ok back to thinking.

Is any ritual really needed? No, but I think I need something to help get me focused and understanding.

Then a lessoned learned now. Not to believe everything I read or hear. Now the only problems is I'm questioning someone who is teaching me. I know that's the point and honestly if something feels wrong to me I kind of just keep it in the back of my mind for future reference. It just bothers me questioning someone who I trust. Yes the lesson is a double edged sword. I also know that my truths will be simply that my truths but I guess I'm just a person who believes in people they trust. Yeah this is bothering me. I guess it's another one of those shake your foundation things. Talk about stubborn! That's me when faced with a change I don't like. Change = growth yeah yeah I know.

There are so many things I want to know but I want to know them now. So it's driving me a little nuts not getting my way about that. Some will probably never be used but how do I know until I have my answers? I have a need to make a difference even in my tiny part of the world. Not for the glory but where I can sit back and smile that I was able to contribute in a helpful way.

Oh a Sex Gage

2006-03-30T21:34:00.000-05:00

hehe

8.5

Even though you are sexy, both men and women agree that confidence and a sense of humor are very important when seeking a date or soul mate. So whether you are looking for true love or simply dating, a confident smile goes a long way.

Line of Heart
Your Line of Heart is a curved line. You are creative and sensitive. Sometimes ruled by emotions, sometimes by imagination. Sometimes you let feelings get in the way of clear thinking, and often for the better.

Shape of Fingertips
The tips of your fingers are round. Sometimes other people seem too slow, so you finish their sentences for them. You are bright and intuitive, with a tendency to stick your neck out too far and getting hurt.

Thumb Flexibility
Based on the flexibility level of your thumb you are generous and open to suggestions. Flexible and friendly, original at times but willing to cooperate with the right persons. Open to experimentation and exploration.

Highest Mound
Your highest mound is on the base if your thumb. A people person. Outgoing and going out. Likes to laugh and party. Appreciates good food, good friends, and good drink.

Sex Gage

Are you addicted to love?

2006-03-29T16:28:00.000-05:00

Fynn promised this was the last quiz he was posting. We'll see. lol Thanks for the fun Fynn.

You Are 40% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're a little addicted to love.
You won't do anything for love, but sometimes you do more than you should.
No one's worth losing your head for - because in the end you'll only lose your heart.
Don't avoid falling in love. Just make sure you don't get too hooked.

Are You Addicted to Love?

What Animal were you in a past life

2006-03-29T16:23:00.000-05:00

Fynn strikes again. No pun intended. lol Me a snake?

You Were a Snake

You have a primal energy that drives you to explore the mysteries of life.
A nearly immortal soul, you'll live a very long life.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

How Evil are you?

2006-03-29T16:19:00.000-05:00

I got this quiz from Fynn and I'm not as evil as he is. lol

You Are 30% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?

Love you Lobo

2006-03-22T19:07:00.000-05:00

Today was a hard day. Lobo was put to sleep. He had been having bad trouble with his hips for a while but he was at the point where he didn't want to even go outside. I know he couldn't be happy like that. It is so sad to let him go especially when his spirit was still strong.

As Lobo's body was being buried the wind picked up and the windchimes started going crazy. I did have to smile at that. Maybe it was his way of saying he's better now. Matt is having a really hard time with this. He wanted to sob on my shoulder but his dad was there so he composed himself and said I have to go. It broke my heart seeing that.

I'll miss Lobo and his protective spirit, his love for the family and his joy of playing.

Energy

2006-03-09T18:46:00.000-05:00

I have been thinking about this for a bit now.

This will sound harsh but right now I don't care. It's how I feel and I hope it makes people think a little.

I've never regretting sending energy when someone asked for the help. I don't mind helping people when there is a real need because I can understand why they ask so this isn't directed at them. For that fact I'll always be there to help when the need is real. What I'm on about here is that people go onto lists and ask for energy for some of the most petty stuff I've ever seen in my life. Those are the ones I don't have time or the desire to help. There have been requests for energy that are just down right dumb. Yes I said it dumb. Excuse me but use your own energy and don't ask others to send energy for something that you can do yourself. Little itty bitty medical things have fixes, so use them. Stop being a energy vamp. So what you feel a little down. Figure out whats causing it and try to fix the problem, stop using energy from people as a bandaide. Oh and my favorite comment, Grow the fuck up.

Yes I'm annoyed that people suck energy from people like this. Unfortunately not everyone is aware of energy vamps like these. So they send energy to them.

*screams*

Ok, I feel a little better.

Signs, signs, everywhere there'er signs

2006-03-08T18:41:00.000-05:00

Things going through my head.

Why is it that when stating an opinion people think that they need to correct you?

If you don't want opinions don't ask questions. Pretty simple thing.

Don't try to convince people they are wrong because you disagree.

Because you don't understand another person's belief don't try to tell them how wrong they are to believe what they do.

So where am I going with this? Pretty simple, it has becomes obvious to me that I'm tired of everything. Swim fish, swim in your own stream and don't ask me if it's right.

Yes I'm rebeling, on many different levels. My hackles are up and all I can figure is Mercury being Retro. It's nothing to do with my personal life, things are going well. My serious side has gone quiet and will stay that way. There will be no more serious stuff out of me, not for public comsumption anyway. Bitter feelings? No not at all. I'm fine on that count. I'm just annoyed is all and I'm sure I'll get over it. lol

I've been feeling annoyances all day. Simple things that shouldn't matter, have. Of course some things were only annoyances cause I didn't want to do it. I really didn't want to be at work today but I had stuff I had to get done. I find that some people just annoy me because they are who they are. I shouldn't be like that really, but I guess I just know they are going to get under my skin. These are the times I'm not safe to be around people. Not because of what I might do to them but the things I hold in and let fester. It's not good for me, yet I still do it. lol Got to wonder why.

No excitement for me today. I had a visit from one of the police guys to pick up some software I ordered for them. I pulled some leaves out of the skimmer for the pond. Fed the fish and petted some of them. My underwear are driving me nuts. *sighs* They look so cute but they wear terrible.

Oh well that's it for now.

Weekend at Georgia's

2006-03-05T20:51:00.000-05:00

Last night I was having a nice dream when a voice started coming in. I finally realized something was up and woke up. Outside I hear mens voices. I'm thinking what the heck is that? So I peak out my window and there is something going on in the neighbors woods. So I watch, flashlights going all over the place, headlights from a car pointed into the woods. I finally hear the first clear words. "GET UP! I SAID GET UP!" So I get the phone dail 911 and say do ya'll have someone on *insert name of my road*? The 911 dude says uh yes they are searching for someone. I said I think they found him. I said thank you and hung up. Then the police go all around my neighbors house checking it out. Tomorrow I'll call my connections with the police and ask them to find out what was going on. Did I mention this was 0530 hrs? Yeah too early for stupid criminals to be out and about. That was my excitement for the month. Nothing ever happens around here so it is unusual.

Today I went out and played in the fire. Fire is one of my favorite things. So I got to burn some stuff and had fun. Though I cut 3 of my fingers on my left hand and it hurts. Tom drove by with the on again off again girlfriend. She was apparently embarrassed that I saw them. Well duh, I'm outside working in the yard. I really don't care anymore.

So back to work tomorow, I have to clean the office. I was cutting up boxes on Friday. It looks like Tornado Georgia went through. lol

What Color is Your Soul?

2006-03-01T21:51:00.000-05:00

Your Soul is Blue - Calm, hip, easy-going. You are

a very chill person, and try to stay worry

free. What's the point it fear and stress?

You like to sit back, and roll, just taking

one problem at a time, and doin' it with

style. This is a helpfull quality to have in

this fast paced age, just don't let the world

leave you behind.

What Color is Your Soul? {8 results + artsitic pics}
brought to you by Quizilla

My Inner Dragon

2006-02-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

I am a A Tiger Dragon!

Hey, I took the http://dragonhame.com online Inner Dragon quiz and found out I am a Tiger Dragon on the inside.

In the war between good and evil, Tiger Dragons take the side of the noble and good....
When it comes to the powers of Chaos vs. those of Law and Order, your inner dragon is a risk taker and answers to no one....
As far as magical tendancies, a Tiger Dragon's nature does not lend itself well to the ways of Magic....
During combat situations, whether by spells or by claw, your inner dragon will do whatever it takes to get the job done....
'
Tiger Dragons willingly live in any environment, so long as it is isolated from the influences of man. They have been known to build massive and incredibly complex structures of all shapes, kinds and purposes, though many never build anything. A Tiger Dragon is honest and forgiving with a very long patience. They are slow to anger, but, once enraged, may destroy entire civilizations before cooling down. Should one become exceedingly angry, it will tend to take revenge by completely destroying every aspect of its targets' lives, but never killing them. The Tiger Dragon's mind is its most formidable weapon.'
Tiger Dragons are armored in short, soft, but incredibly strong and resilient fur. They can come in a variety of colors and patterns, including white, black, orange, yellow, gray, and tan, with stripes covering most, little, or none of their bodies. They tend to smile frequently and laugh freely. Tiger Dragons tend to dislike violence, but when enraged can do anything. A Tiger Dragon is very selective when choosing close friends, but is intensely loyal to all it deems worthy of friendship. A Tiger Dragon leads a very quiet and unobtrusive life. A Tiger Dragon's feelings run deep and true. Tiger Dragons mate for life.
'
This Dragons favorite elements are: Life, Wisdom, and Love.

http://Dragonhame.Com

Hounds

2006-02-20T19:56:00.000-05:00

I received a message and I knew that someone would be chosen. I hurried to my car upon seeing to two Irish Wolf Hounds sitting in the parking lot entrance. See you had to take them if you were chosen. I hurried out of the parking lot, checking my mirror the female Wolf Hound stood up and stared at me.

Then my dream changed. Yes, that was a snippet from my dream this morning before I woke. I was afraid of what would happen if I was the one chosen. There seem to be a very large responsibility associated with being chosen. I wanted to go back to the dream. When I tried it was something totally different.

Your Home Planet

2006-02-14T19:10:00.000-05:00

What Planet Are You From?

this quiz was made by The Autist Formerly Known As Tim

:-(

2006-02-11T19:38:00.000-05:00

I am finding the way I think interesting. Not necessarily in a good or bad way.

See for a long time in my marriage I realized that the it was just sex and not making love. I knew it was true for me anyway. I never voiced this to the ex as I didn't want it to be hurtful to him. Needless to say I just never said anything. Well the other day he and I were talking, he was telling me about being back with the same woman who has taken him for a lot of money. That is for another time though. So he was talking about how making love with her was different this time, blah, blah, blah. That having sex with Tracy (who was another girlfriend in between times wih the other one) was great and blah blah blah. Then he goes on and talks about the sex between he and I. He referred to it as screwing. Now, see that really hurt my feelings and I've been thinking about this for a week now. I'm having a hard time figuring out why it hurts so much that he would refer to it that way when I myself didn't feel like it was anything more than sex. Maybe it's the term he chose. I dont' know, but it bothers me.

I've been trying to work out in my head why it seems to be worse that he voiced what I had felt. Could be the fact that I felt it but didn't realize that maybe it's how he felt too. I just don't know.

Which Tarot Card Are You?

2006-02-10T09:35:00.000-05:00

You are the Fool card. The Fool fearlessly begins

the journey into the unknown. To do this, he

does not regard the world he knows as firm

and fixed. He has a seemingly reckless

disregard for obstacles. In the Ryder-Waite

deck, he is seen stepping off a cliff with

his gaze on the sky, and a rainbow is there

to catch him. In order to explore and expand,

one must disregard convention and conformity.

Those in the throes of convention look at the

unconventional, non-conformist personality

and think What a fool. They lack the point of

view to understand The Fool's actions. But

The Fool has roots in tradition as one who is

closest to the spirit world. In many tribal

cultures, those born with strange and unusual

character traits were held in awe. Shamans

were people who could see visions and go on

journeys that we now label hallucinations and

schizophrenia. Those with physical

differences had experience and knowledge that

the average person could not understand. The

Fool is God. The number of the card is zero,

which when drawn is a perfect circle. This

circle represents both emptiness and

infinity. The Fool is not shackled by

mountains and valleys or by his physical

body. He does not accept the appearance of

cliff and air as being distinct or real.

Image from: Mary DeLave

http://www.marydelave.com/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

2006-01-15T17:56:00.000-05:00

Your Seduction Style: Fantasy Lover

You know that ideal love that each of us dreams of from childhood? That's you!
Not because you posess all of the ideal characteristics, but because you are a savvy shape shifter.
You have the uncanny ability to detect someone's particular fantasy... and make it you.

You inspire each person to be an idealist and passionate, and you make each moment memorable
Even a simple coffee date with you can be the most romantic moment of someone's life
By giving your date exactly what he or she desires, you quickly become the ideal lover.

Your abilities to make dreams come true is so strong, that you are often the love of many people's lives.
Your ex's (and even people you have simply met or been friends with) long to be yours.
No doubt you are the one others have dreamed of... your biggest challenge is finding *your* dream lover.

What Kind of Seducer Are You?

Out of Control

2006-01-07T11:35:00.000-05:00

I was driving in my dream. What was strange is I felt like I was too sleepy to be driving but I couldn’t do anything about it. There was me and two smaller children and another woman. She had been driving for a while and then we stopped somewhere and she laid down to rest. She fell asleep and said I needed to drive. So I started driving. As I was driving I felt the way dreams feels to you but I just kept driving. Then we stopped for pink lemonade and the other woman was still asleep. We got our lemonade but I felt like they cheated us and tried to tell them but it was being run by these little girls and I didn’t want to hurt their feelings. So we drove more. The sleeping woman said she wanted to drive through the forest. I was having trouble controlling the car. It wouldn’t slow down and I could make the u-turn I needed to make. I finally in desperation just saw myself pulled over and the car did. Then I was going to turn around but realized if I had continued going on that road I would have made it to the forest. So I whipped back out on the road at the intersection where I stopped and turned left so I could go to the forest.

As I drove the car got faster and faster and I felt like I had no control but I sort of was enjoying it. I was going down this hill and the grass and the trees were like a blur as they went by. I was between terrified and tickled. This hill was huge and it was like a roller coaster. I lost my stomach like I do on big hills on a roller coaster ride. Then it was going normal speed again. Just as I started relax I watched the road become much thinner, like that of a roller coaster, it was green like grass. I could see it ahead of me looking like a roller coaster. I screamed out no I will not do this and then I thought I must be sleeping. I started slapping my face and screaming wake up. I slapped it several times and realized that there was no pain. It scared me because I was trying to understand how this could be. So I did some test slaps to check this and it felt like my face was numb, there was some feeling. I knew then I needed to find a place to stop and sleep. So I stopped at a little motel and we all went in the room. It seemed like the other kind of disappeared but two birds that were blue in color showed up. I spoke with them like they were the others. Weird things happened there. I don’t really remember them so much because they seem to happen so fast. I asked one of the birds for help and it did… then I woke.

Midnight Ride

2006-01-06T11:31:00.000-05:00

Sitting in class her mind went back to the weekend just past. All the kids had a good time and she wondered if they would get a chance to have another weekend like that. Her mind drifted off.

They were all sitting around the barn and someone said hey why don’t we camp out here at the barn this week? They all agreed and Kate the woman who ran the barn said it would be fine with her as long as our parents said it was ok. Of course everyone’s parents were in agreement to let us stay. I mean really what kind of trouble can a bunch of girls get into? So we made plans, we were going to sleep in the hayloft of the upper barn. That’s where most our horses were stabled at. Let’s see so there is going to be Karen, Karen’s friend LeeAnn, Teri, Karen B, Bobbie Jean, Trina, Jill and I. Oh and Kenny thought this would be a good chance to hang out with the girls and see who would be interested in him. Good grief, I mean really if we aren’t any other time what makes him think now is his chance? Karen was older than the rest of us. She was of legal drinking age and we were 16 to 13. Well, Kenny was 16 but I don’t feel like counting him. I was kind of excited because Ralph was suppose to try and come by for a midnight ride with us. Now mind you Ralph is 22 so I’m not sure why I want him to show up, really Karen is his age to go out with.

We all ate sandwiches and sat around talked and acted silly. The horses had been fed and life was good. Midnight rolled around and Ralph didn’t show so we left without him. Teri rode double on Sassy with me because Gidget was out in the pasture. She had her bridle and we figured we’d find her horse and continue our ride. We were having a great time the moon was so full and bright. It was funny how it looked like daytime with some strange colored filter on the sun. Everything had a sort of blue tint to it. There are parts of the 300 acre pasture that I didn’t like in the daylight much less the night time. I was nervous as we all rode past these parts. There, up ahead we spotted Gidget happily grazing. She was up on the top of the hill. Teri called to her and Gidget looked up in wonder. I sure she was thinking what are the crazy humans doing out so late riding. Teri slid off Sassy’s back and was putting Gidget’s bridle on when I noticed some strange movement further in the pasture. It looked like someone with a flash light. Maybe it was Ralph trying to find us. It seemed Gidget really didn’t want the bit in her mouth and was giving Teri a hard time. I told Teri to hurry up. I’d been watching this light and something felt wrong about it. I guess the others finally noticed it and at first were all brave and stuff. I started getting really nervous. “Teri hurry up and get on we have to get out of here”. She looked up and said “What’s wrong?” and I pointed out the light. Teri asked if it was Ralph and I said I don’t think so. The light stopped moving forward and though I couldn’t see the person I felt their eyes find us on the hill. My voice took on a more commanding tone as I told Teri to get on her damn horse right now. The others started getting nervous and were trying to leave. I said I’m not leaving her here by herself and Teri was panicked because she was having trouble getting on Gidget’s back. “Don’t leave me!” she cried out. Nobody’s leaving I reassured her. Karen B. really went off the deep end and started crying. I told her to shut up. Karen was watching the light and I was busy with helping Teri. Karen quietly said it’s headed towards us. I looked up and sure enough it was. Watching I realized it wasn’t a rider on a horse but a motorcycle. Now this could be bad because we couldn’t out run a motorcycle. Teri started to cry cause she realized that it was a motorcycle and decided it must be a serial killer or something. We tried to support each other hoping our bravery would show back up. Finally Teri was on her horse and we took off. Of course we knew the pasture like the back of our hands because of all the riding we did. We even wound up going through one place that I never liked going through. I figured if we needed to escape then by God I’d do what I had too. Now imagine if you will 8 girls on 7 horses fleeing for our lives. It was a good thing we were all use to riding bareback or no telling what would have happened. You know that motorcycle did try to find us but obviously didn’t know the pasture as well as we did. I knew every low hanging branch there was because we use to play on horseback all the time in that pasture. Apparently we lost the motorcycle rider and we had our horses at a dead run as we came around the lake and across the dam. Just as soon as we got to the barn we all started laughing at how silly we all had probably looked. It was funny how our bravery came back at that point.

We made sure our horses were cooled down and put them up and climbed into the hayloft. Kenny was waiting us on like a good little dog or something. We told him all about what had happened and he tried to assure us that no one would bother us now. I laughed to myself at his pronouncement. Karen said anyone want a drink? This of course caught all of our attention. Vodka and orange juice, I’d never drunk before so of course I figured I’d give it a try. It wasn’t too long and we all were drunk. Karen didn’t only drink but did drugs. There was no way I was even going to think about trying drugs. My dad would have killed me. No one else but Karen’s friend LeeAnn did any drugs. I don’t know what she took I just knew I didn’t want any part of it. Karen B said she had to go to the bathroom and like most groups of girls we all had to go together. So we started out of the hayloft which had been much easier before the alcohol. Kenny insisted he go ahead of me so he could help me. I slowly crawled across the boards that lead to the ladder giggling the whole time because it was so stupid that I couldn’t walk across it like before. Then the ladder, you know the ladder seemed so differently as I climbed down. I didn’t remember the rungs being so far apart. I was still giggling at it all when I felt Kenny’s hand touch my butt. First thing out of my mouth was ‘What the hell are you doing?’ Kenny told me he was trying to keep me from falling. I forgot to mention, Kenny was the only one who didn’t have anything to drink. It made me mad that Kenny thought I couldn’t climb down a simple ladder without his help and I let him know that. I was the last one out of the hayloft and the only one who had the giggles badly. When I got to the bathroom Karen B was first in. I opened the door and they are all standing around talking to her because she was sick. I was holding up the closed door weaving back and forth. At that point I realized I needed to go to the bathroom too. I said sweetly to Karen B. ‘are you ok?’ she cried no. I asked if she was using the toilet and she said no and kept crying. This is the point where I lost being sweet. I said then get off it cause the rest of us need it. She looked pitiful at me and got up. We all hurried to use the toilet and the others were trying to figure out how to make Karen B. feel better. We all helped her back to the hayloft it was time to go to sleep. Hopefully Karen B. would feel better with some sleep.

I’m not sure how long we’d been asleep but I heard voices. They were men’s voices and they were in the barn. Next thing you know we all crept to the edge of the hayloft and were looking to see if we knew them. As it turned out we didn’t and in the hayloft there was no escape. Needless to say we sobered up quite a bit at that point. They were going to all of the stall looking at the horses. These people did not belong here and certainly not at that time of night. I was prepared to attack when they looked in Sassy’s stall. Apparently they heard our quiet whispers and left rather quickly. Satisfied that they were gone we went back to sleep. This time Kenny kept trying to cuddle with me. I finally told him I’d rip his nuts off if he didn’t leave me alone. I was tired of telling him to stop so I decided a nice threat was in order.

The morning came and we slowly began to move around. Kate was already there and she was sweet enough to bring us milk and doughnuts. Karen B. turn 3 shades of green as she ran for the bathroom. None of us were too interested in those doughnuts.

Another Test

2006-01-04T19:15:00.000-05:00

Which Fairytale Tarot card are you?

2006-01-04T18:58:00.000-05:00

Are you really surprised my card would have horses on it?

Which Fairytale Tarot card are you? MANY cards and great fairytale pictures.
brought to you by Quizilla

Wixa Battle Cry

2006-01-04T18:45:00.000-05:00

Can you tell I'm getting a kick out of these?

SmilingMoon Battle Cry

2006-01-04T18:43:00.000-05:00

My Battle Cry

2006-01-04T18:41:00.000-05:00

New Year's

2006-01-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

With all the talk that normally takes place around this time of year of resolutions, I just have to say… I will make none. There are things that I want to accomplish this year. I want to work on being healthier this year. To work on eating healthy and working out. There are habits I want to change. This is my year. The year where I find what I’m good at. I will find my direction but I want be afraid to vary from a straight line.

You know yesterday I was full of hope and felt everything was fine. This morning I wake and feel the old fears trying hard to sneak in. It’s obviously something I need to work on. To keep fears out of my life. I’ll admit that these feel different than the others have felt. See before when this would happen all my thoughts seemed to be too far away to be real. So I have stepped forward as now I know they aren’t, I just have to keeping reaching for them until I have them in my hands.

Also yesterday I realized that I couldn’t keep worrying about other people. By this I mean I have to decide where I’m heading. I don’t know, maybe that decision has helped make the other stuff seem easier.

On New Year’s Morning I slept in. I decided to do that for myself. I didn’t have to get up so I just lazed around and enjoyed my dreams. Then I was pretty much a couch potato. Michael and I watched a couple of movies. We enjoyed ourselves in the quiet.

THEN I also started that same day. Now it should be illegal for that to happen. Lol I’m cranky and now starting to cramp some. I feel melancholy today because of those wild hormones. Yes, ride the wild waves of emotions with a Cancer and you will see that life truly is a roller coaster.

I’m looking forward to moving to another house. I think the reason is that I will be on my own. Tom won’t be able to say his anymore. You know I’m rather disappointed that he has said that so much. Just as if I never contributed to anything. You know what? As a good friend said last night. All in the past died last night. All in the future was born. I think this is one reason I’m ready to move on. The past is dead and it’s now time to live for the future.

Confusion and such

2005-12-17T19:38:00.000-05:00

I sit at this time in my life wondering. Those deep thoughts that can keep you awake at night. In my case they don’t. I’m just hanging in mid-air and wondering when I’ll fall. Yes, that’s a terrible way to think, I know that. It’s not good to put out that kind of energy either.

I think what bothers me most is that I can’t just believe in myself. There is and really hasn’t been any belief in myself, ever. Ok, that’s not completely true. I do have moments.

Then I think that I really have nothing to complain about. Nothing at all… Well the things I do have to complain about I won’t.

Part of the annoyance is I use to not be so indecisive. Of course then my decisions weren’t life changing either. Or they didn’t seem to be. The one time I skipped school this stupid girl I was with came within a foot of wrapping her car around a pine tree on my side nonetheless. That could have been life altering.

My moods are swinging wildly right now. I feel like I’m on a roller coaster with a blind fold on. You can’t see what’s coming. All you can do is go along for the ride. It’s not something I can enjoy either. I finally got my tree decorated but truthfully I haven’t felt the joy in about 5 years. It’s worse since the divorce but it’s always been a favorite time of year for me and I’m losing that even faster. Partly because I am not sure where I’m going. So I’m unsure and that is my frustration.

Plus I feel like I’m suppose to do something. Of course that something I haven’t found yet but I am hoping it comes to me soon. Oh and that I know what I’m being told instead of sitting there thinking it could be different than what I was told.

I’d love to throw dishes or something like that right now. Not that it will solve the problems that I feel like are there but I could relieve some frustration.

I’ve been thinking about what I want to do in the future and I just don’t know. It’s strange when I think about what I want but I just don’t know. When I move I have to decide where I’m going. As far as areas. I sometimes feel trapped because I worry about what to do about Michael. I know I can’t live my life around Michael but I do have to think about him. Yeah you can tell from that statement that I’m extremely confused as to what to do.

Oh well, at some point I’ll know.

Hidden Talents

2005-12-12T20:37:00.000-05:00

Your Hidden Talent

You are a great communicator. You have a real way with words.
You're never at a loss to explain what you mean or how you feel.
People find it easy to empathize with you, no matter what your situation.
When you're up, you make everyone happy. But when you're down, everyone suffers.

What's Your Hidden Talent?

Pas Life Animal?

2005-12-12T20:34:00.000-05:00

You Were An Owl

You are stealthy and secretive - no one knows the true you.
You are a seeker of freedom, and you are comfortable with your dark side.

What Animal Were You In a Past Life?

Acting my age

2005-12-12T20:32:00.000-05:00

You Are 25 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Up in the Air

2005-11-14T18:46:00.000-05:00

I know I haven't posted in a while. I really haven't had much to say I guess. This must be one of those down phases I go through. I planned on going to the Border's Pagan meeting but now I don't know if I even want to go. Actually that's not true. I don't want to go. Today has been a weird day for me. I have needs and I don't even know what they are.

I don't know what direction to take and I feel like I'm just hanging. It's not uncomfortable but I feel like I should be doing something. It's almost one of those what is life for feelings.

It's not that I'm sad, because I'm not. It's more that I worry I'll make a wrong choice. So I worry.

Things like where will I go when I move from this house, what kind of job do I want, you know things like that.

It's about time

2005-11-01T08:40:00.000-05:00

Yeah, it is... It's about time I posted something here.

first things first. I'm tired and I wanted to sleep in a little and of course the universe felt it wasn't necessary. Lets say I'm cranky now because I wanted to sleep some. This happened yesterday too and yesterday was a fubar day. Oh it was nothing serious but stressful.

I'll write more in a little bit. I've got to get to work. ;-)

Today I feel like another piece of the puzzle has fallen into place yet I still can't see the image before me.

I feel weird today too. Nothing bad just weird. Well there has been nothing that I'm excited about in the past few days. Yesterday started out with potential but then crashed and burned. That could be why I feel so off today. Not the whole day but the majority of it, just totally off. I'm not unhappy though.

I had these great thoughts yesterday morning and all of a sudden everything broke loose and I forgot all of them. lol I've been thinking that I'm starting to feel the need for a ritual. I know that a ritual doesn't have as much significance for me as it does others but there is a pull for some reason. I'll just have to figure out what kind of ritual is needed.

let's see what else is going on.... Michael got back from Las Vegas safe and sound. He seems to have enjoyed what all he saw but there was so wound up when he got home. He talked non-stop and even called Matt so Matt could come pick up the present Michael bought him. He was so proud of his gifts he bought. He bought me a Painted Pony. It's the Carosel Horse. I love it and he was thrilled. He got yelled at a couple of times at the Mirage just because he was standing where he was told he could stand. The stupid drink girls chewed him out. So Sean went and found security and chewed the security guy out. lol Security said Michael could stand where the dumbasses told him he couldn't stand. I'm still debating writing a nasty gram to the Mirage for it.

What Georgia Needs

2005-10-20T18:37:00.000-04:00

Roxane stole this from Newspice who stole it from draiguise and gave it a try.... do a google search "[Your Name] Needs... post the ten results.

Georgia needs plenty of teachers...

Georgia needs our support now...

Georgia needs irreversable...

Georgia needs to attract...

Georgia needs to take crucial steps...

Georgia needs reserve troops...

Georgia needs help...

Georgia needs to cooperate...

Georgia needs to learn to let go...

Georgia needs to teach more about evolution...

As you can see having the same name as a state and a country gives you some strange needs. lol

Soul Mates & Hot Dates

2005-10-13T09:08:00.000-04:00

When I got home from the office yesterday I opened up my email and found one from Llewellyn Books. Yep they are having a Halloween Sale. It is books so I cruised through the sales section. I ran across this one book and it caught my eye. Soul Mates & Hot Dates: How to Tell Who's Who by: Maria Shaw. First glance I thought cute title and then hmmm... So I clicked on the link and had a look at the book. Of course my brain was running at Mach 2 now thinking about the possibilities. I thought you know this would really be great, help sort out the unnecessary stuff. Then it happened.

What you ask? Well somewhere inside my brain it calms down and wants to discuss this with me. Firstly, it points out the point that what is this unnecessary stuff you are thinking of. Well, I stumbled around trying to get an answer that sounded half way intelligent. It wasn’t coming I could tell. So I argued with myself that at my age I didn’t need to waste my time and before I could finish that voice cut me off. You are never wasting time in any kind of relationship. There is something that is needed in everyone. So I did a quick review of past relationships and thought well ok. I heard fingers drumming in my mind waiting for more from me. So I worked out that yes indeed I have learned something from all of my relationships and no they weren’t a waste of time.

So I’m sitting there letting this all sink in and understanding better about those relationships. The voice chimes in again when I got quiet, “Why do you think this book would be good then?” This time my mind doesn’t race and search for the answer, no, not this time. This time it was calm and answered easily, “Because I thought it may have the answers”. As I sat and thought on that for a moment I realized that truly the answers aren’t in books. It’s our need for those answers that leads us to buy these kinds of books. We are tired of searching and wondering if this person is the one, is there a deeper connection with them. (This statement because this is what the book is about after all). We want reassurance that we aren’t making bad decisions. We want the answers because we are unsure of ourselves. We want these answers NOW! On another level it’s because we fear making mistakes. Plus we don’t want to invest the time in someone who isn’t going to hang around. Well guess what, all of those We statements, don’t matter. There are things that we need to experience and enjoy or not.

People come into our lives and leave all the time. When it’s about love it’s when we seem to really notice it. Those who are friends they pass through our lives and we barely notice when they are gone. Yet when love passes through your life and leaves you notice it. You notice the feeling of emptiness when they are gone. You notice all the little things around your life that reminds you of them. You notice how empty you feel. Some people do better in handling this kind of loss than others. Me, well, I’m very emotional and then things settle down. I move through those stages of loss like the speed of light, though sometimes I have to revisit them once or twice more. LOL I take time to think about it and just let it go. The thing is we are told love is forever and it may well be. Relationships on the other hand are not. They don’t have to be, though we are told they should be. In for a penny, in for a pound kind of thing. I think we, as humans, have screwed up with assigning time to a relationship or even a title like marriage. Someone will argue oh but there is stability in a marriage. No, there are legal ties; being married doesn’t give you any guarantees about your partner. You may have a wonderful partner that you will spend the rest of your life with and that is great. Not all partnership will last that long or even half.

Ok so back to my original point. The one about books like the one I’ve been discussing some. We buy these books to get our answers. I think it is hard for us to see that books like this don’t hold the answers that we really seek. Not the real answer. You see the question you are really asking when you buy a book like this is simply, “Is he the one”. *smiles* Do you really think you’ll find that answer in a book?

Preceptions

2005-10-12T10:32:00.000-04:00

I think I’m going to ramble about good and bad and see if I can sort it out in my head.

There are saying like,

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
There is always a silver lining to every dark cloud.
Look at the bright side.

All of these saying hint at the same thing. There is something in every situation that is good. Are the folks that say thing like this just optimistic or are they actually on to something?

Ok so we say there is good and bad in everything, well some say this. Yet when a natural disaster happens normally the only thing seen is the bad. Ok, yes some people lose everything, even some their lives. In some cases these people will move to another location and their lives may be better or they possibly could be the same. It may force them to move closer to family and it winds up being a blessing in disguise. Others will tough it out and rebuild where they are. In both of these cases there is something for them. Those that chose to stay learn they can rebuild their lives. Those that move may discover the family they had disconnected with. The ones who die, they get a chance to be reborn.

I think I’ve rambled before about natural disasters and how they are good for the earth. Fire, well for forest, fire kills the underbrush, which competes with the trees for food and water. I was told that the forest of old didn’t have an underbrush problem because the fires were allowed to happen. They were allowed probably because they couldn’t stop them but still they happened. Earth quakes and volcanoes help the earth readjust her self. Hurricanes and such, I haven’t quite figured out how they help the earth but they happen.

Then we can move to people, good and bad. Are there people out there who are 100% bad? I don’t know but I believe that people are capable of both good and bad. Then we have to think about what good and bad is. What’s bad to me may not be to someone else. Think about it this way. We as in the US, see the way things are in other countries. They are different than ours and we say oh man that’s bad. Yet the people of that other country may be perfectly happy with things the way they are. Let’s take a little thing like eating with your hands. Ok, there are some things that are “acceptable” to eat with your hands and others are not, well that’s the rule in the US. What about countries that use their hands all the time to eat, except soup of course, they can just drink it. We would look at that and think how barbaric yet it’s not. Nothing wrong with it at all. Hygiene is another thing. I remember as a child being told that Europeans have horrible hygiene. I think what I’m getting at is these are just perceptions. It doesn’t mean these things are wrong or right, good or bad. So doesn’t it stand that this same thought process would move to other areas too?

We make mental list of what’s good and bad/evil. Cancer and death are considered bad/evil. You know I learned something when my dad found out he had cancer. Some may read this and say well duh but I honestly didn’t know. We all have cancer inside of us. However normally our bodies fight it off and it’s not a problem. So it’s not some evil thing that sneaks into our bodies and destroy us. It’s just our bodies lose the ability to fight it affectively because of different reasons. So it’s not evil, it just is what it is.

Evil is a word we use so easily in this day and time. Everything is evil that we don’t like. Some Christians call Pagans evil and vice versa. Yet others see the truth and understand that neither is evil. While out in Colorado and at Bella’s shop I found a bumper sticker that I liked. I showed it to Cerr and said this would be a great footer for the Grove. It is as follows: "Fundies are Fundies No Matter If They Quote The Lord or The Goddess". The point to me was it doesn’t mean these folks are evil they lack understanding. Understanding is something I wish I could promote. No, not forcing someone to “understand” but to help them to if they choose. This is also the way with what people consider as evil. It’s a lack of understanding. Dang I know there is a quote about fearing what you don’t understand but I can’t think of it now.

So I went looking for the quote and haven’t found it yet. What I did find was some interesting quotes on fear and evil. It seems that most of the quotes I’ve read are saying that it’s our fault for not doing anything to stop the evil. Nothing about how there are two sides to everything. Though I must admit that Mae West’s quote is probably the closest. “When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before”. I know she was a woman who spoke her mind but my point is to me this quote is pointing at what others thought were evil she would try. LOL Interesting woman she was.

Now if you really think about this you’ll understand a little better. We are programmed to believe most of what we do. As we grow older some times we have a new understanding and change some beliefs. Not necessarily all of them though. Most folks were taught about the devil as a child. I believe in some cases it was to scare the child straight and in others it was because that is what the parent was taught. We are taught what to think of other races, religions, beliefs, cultures, etc. The thing is this doesn’t have to be bad because we can go and check these things out for ourselves and learn the truth. It may be our truth but truth nonetheless. Also we may find we still disagree with the things we searched for but that’s ok. See at this point we’ve made a more informed decision. Not necessarily informed, let me change that to we were left to find out for ourselves. So in our parent’s attempts to help us in life they some times hinder. They give us the answers so we don’t have to learn for ourselves. I can say this cause I’m having such a hard time because I don’t want my boys to make the mistakes I’ve made. I’d rather them learn from them however I’m finding no matter how hard I try they will go down the path and make their own mistakes.

So my point is we are told what is evil and good. We wind up not seeing things past that point. Now I sit back and think of the things I think are evil, not the haha sense of evil but the true “evils” of the world.

Thank you Pixie for the Quiz

2005-10-10T16:09:00.000-04:00

You scored as Carrot Ironfounderson. You are Captain Carrot Ironfounderson of the City Watch in the greatest city on the Disc â?? Ankh-Morprok! A truly good natured, honest guy, who knows everyone, and is liked by all. Technically a dwarf, but only by adoption. Youâ??d rather not be reminded that you are the true heir to the throne, but that does explain why people naturally follow your ordersâ?¦

Carrot Ironfounderson

75%

Gytha (Nanny) Ogg

56%

Esmerelda (Granny) Weatherwax

50%

Commander Samuel Vimes

44%

The Librarian

44%

Greebo

38%

Cohen The Barbarian

38%

Lord Havelock Vetinari

38%

Death

38%

Rincewind

19%

Which Discworld Character are you like (with pics)
created with QuizFarm.com

Soul Thinking

2005-10-07T14:58:00.000-04:00

The soul conversation took me back to a lesson with Bear (as a person not the animal).

He and I were talking about soul groups. At the time he went as deep in the conversation as was needed probably but it left me wondering.

Bear said that soul groups worked together to help each other move forward. This sounds logical to me. We went on to talk about things that happen in peoples lives. The good, the bad and the really ugly. This is where things got a little unsettled for me. He said that when we have trouble learning something that we will ask another in our soul group to help us with the lesson. Ok, that made sense to me. Then we spoke of examples. Molestation, child abuse, spousal abuse, and so forth. In other words some heavy stuff. He said “who would you trust to teach you such a lesson but another in your group”. I thought yeah ok. Because when we are not in a body or on this plane we aren’t the same. We don’t have the same attachments to these feelings we are so fond of.

Now being who I am I have a bit of trouble with the thought of not having feelings. Maybe it’s because everything I do is loaded with feelings and I can’t imagine not having them. I don’t know.

Anyway, we spoke of a type of situation. Say a mother or father who abuse their child. Bear said they (being in the soul group together) would have made this deal before this life came along. This is where I get a little off balance about it. I’m sure it’s because I’m thinking with my feelings showing. Why would someone choose to be born into something like this? How does karma or Law of return (which isn’t really a law) fit into it? Would it damage the other soul? Or is it that the other Soul will learn from committing this kind of abuse?

I’m sure I’m looking at this on a simple level and that could be where the problem lies, though I have to admit that we sometimes make things more difficult than it is suppose to be. That could be it instead. Maybe I’m trying to make it more difficult. Why not choose to learn these lessons on an easier level? Or is it that the soul needs to experience everything?

Interesting how I wind up with more questions than answers.

Dreaming

2005-10-07T10:24:00.000-04:00

Last night my dream was sort of unusual.

One thing is this dream seemed to go on forever.

There were several people in this place, I can’t figure out if it were a house or just a building. I remember being kidnapped or it could have been simple as being held against my will. One of those two things though.

At one point I remember the people talking about someone. I had in my mind that he was a ghost. The thing was you couldn’t look directly at him. So we, the people and I, were sitting with our backs to where he would walk through. I noticed they all had mirrors or compacts with mirrors in their hands. I didn’t have one so a girl handed me one. When I opened mine there was no mirror. That was strange because how was I going to look if I didn’t have a mirror? I heard them all chattering and could see him coming in the room, I could see this from the angle of another’s mirror. I held mine up again and then just turned around. I was face to face with this guy/ghost whatever he was. There wasn’t anything scary about him at all. His name was Randy. We were standing toe to toe so that gave me an uncomfortable feeling. I think this is where the kidnapping/ being held against my will came in. A lot of this dream has faded but I remember the rest of the dream I was trying to get away. Not in that complete frantic escape feeling but just getting away.

Good Friends, Wedding, and Gumbo

2005-10-04T11:24:00.000-04:00

My adventure began with me being nervous for two days before going. I would have backed out if I didn’t love Heather so much. LOL I kept being told everything would be ok.

I get to the Parking Spot, which is the lot I left my car in, determined that I wasn’t going to keep being nervous. When I got to the airport I got all checked in and things were running smoothly. I got my seat and I sat next to this nice man from Augusta, GA. A southern gentleman it seemed. We talked some and I put on my audiobook but just couldn’t get into it. I wasn’t nervous now about going but wondering which face I needed to be looking for when I arrived. It was Heather! I swear, she is such a beautiful woman. We got my luggage and headed out.

I was trying to watch the scenery and keep up with the conversation. LOL As we started up the mountain I started checking out the trees and land. Just beautiful… Then Heather point out Estes Park, it would have made such a lovely shot but do you think I remembered my camera? LOL We drive into town and Heather is pointing out things and then she says there’s Shonna. Heather blows the horns and hollers out the window. LOL Shonna turns around then this great smile comes on her face. We park and Bella comes out of the store like a rocket, I was debating on locking my door. Hehe I got out and she attacked me and we just kind of held on to each other. It was so great seeing her again. Dang and she is still just as beautiful a person as she was the first time I met her. Then I got to hug Shonna and the hug lasted a good long time. It was so good “seeing” her again. Then I got to give Elen good hugs and squeezes. William! OMG’s ! Is he getting big! He is such a cutie. I walked through Bella’s shop just in awe of how wonderful it felt and the shinies. I also met Amanda (she works in Bella’s store), who is a very lovely person too. There is way too much in Bella’s shop and I wanted to buy a lot but I did good and didn’t. It’s a personal goal to watch my spending. LOL

Like Shonna said we went and got something to eat and listened to this fellow play and sing. She didn’t mention William’s drumming. LOL He did really well. Then we went back to Bella’s shop and I looked around some more. All I can say is wow, she has beautiful jewelry in there. There were shinies I wanted to buy just because they were gorgeous. It didn’t matter I’d never wear them. LOL I know that’s not how you are suppose to do it. I secretly did some people watching which was fun. Even with all the people running the streets you could see the beauty of Estes Park. Caleb and Aaron came in one followed a little later by the other. I got a hug from Caleb and I couldn’t believe how much he had grown since last year. Then Aaron, he is such a card.

Then Bella closed up and we went to the house. I love Bella’s house, it’s so like she and Brian. Open and loving. They got me settled and I agree the couch is way too comfortable. I could have crashed there and not moved for the rest of the night. LOL Shonna and I laid on the sofa and talked. It was so great to be sitting there with her and just talking. We could have been talking jibberish and I don’t think it would have mattered.

I finally got to meet Groom Brian. *grins* He is so sweet! Man what a great energy he has. You couldn’t help but feel like you’ve known him forever. I met many nice folks on this trip.

I almost didn’t cry during the wedding, then Brian did and I couldn’t help it. Busy with William almost helped but it was so touching to just see how moved Brian was. Thank goodness for sunglasses. ;-)

Oh just for everyone to know, Bella does make you sappy. LOL

Shonna did a wonderful job and the ceremony was so touching and just wow. The people in the Wedding party were beautiful. Probably the only time I got nervous was when Elen insisted on hugging the dog Maggie. I didn’t trust that dog, she had the look in her eyes. I finally got kind of snippy with Elen cause she wouldn’t stop hugging the dog. I was so worried she’d get bit in the face. I know how fast it can happen, been there, done that and have the scar to prove it. I have to say that Pixie and Dirk agreed they wouldn’t trust the dog either. Kids just don’t realize that hugging dogs may not be taken well by some of the dogs. Oh and William…. What a faker on crying. LOL He just wanted someone to play with. Caleb would come over while William was crying and William would just beam.

I got to meet BUFFY! She is great, I was so happy that I got the chance to meet her. She is so funny… You know she dumped some of the juice from the gumbo in my seat to see if I’d sit in it? Ok, maybe she really didn’t intentionally it was the wicked wind that would whip up ever so often. LOL

PIXIE AND DIRK!!!!! I was so glad to get to see them again. They are so damn cute together.

The gumbo was fantastic… For that fact I enjoyed everything I had to eat. I stayed away from the Tabasco. My stomach would have pitched a royal fit and I didn’t want to be in the bathroom throwing up again.

We went back to Bella and Brian’s house and sat around and drank wine. It was so much fun to sit with Bella, Brian, Pixie, Dirk and Shonna. I think we talked about everything under the sun. lol There were even some serious conversations. It was really great and I wish it hadn’t ended as quickly as it did.

I woke up almost every morning at 6:30 mountain time. I sure hated saying goodbye to Shonna. I really wanted them all to stay just one more day. The bagels were good and the company was great. They left and we all got dressed and off to work. I stayed and looked around for a while in Bella’s store then took off to see what else I could see. Finally I wondered into Brian’s store and he is such a great salesman. I went and got some lunch at Chicago’s Best which was Brian suggestion as a good place to eat. The chicken sandwich was HUGE! Two people could have been happy with one sandwich and fries. LOL Oh I bought some braided sweetgrass… I love that smell. Back at Bella’s and she said you want to go see The Stanley? I was OF COURSE! So we took off and walked around looking at things. When we left we both agreed we didn’t see or feel anything. I laughed and said I scared the ghost away. We drove a way up the mountain but Bella didn’t have Brian’s pass so we didn’t go into the park. It was still just beautiful. I was feeling a little sad cause I knew my time was coming to an end. We got back and finished the day in Bella’s store and I even got to help her make a sale. :-D

So back at the house we went and then Brian and Heather showed up and we just waited for the food to heat up. Another round of gumbo. Hehe It was good sitting around and just chatting again. Of course the night ended too soon cause we were all just so tired.

I woke up at 7:00 with a start. Got all my stuff together and dragged it all downstairs. Grabbed a cup of coffee and a doughnut. LOL Bella comes in so she and I got some good one on one time, which of course seemed to fly by.

I won’t talk about saying goodbye…

To the airport I went with Heather and Bean. I’m glad to report that Heather got to eat at Sonic’s. lol I really hated to leave because it was such a nice visit. I need to win to big lotto so I can just go around visiting folks. :-D

sighs

2005-09-26T10:08:00.000-04:00

Well I just sat and typed this huge dream up and for some reason blogger decided to lose it. Yep.... The whole damn thing gone. I'm not typing it again. I refuse to. It made me log in again, for what ever reason and the dream which took 35 minutes to type up is all gone.

Oh, I editted this... I'm so excited another dumbass spammer dumping stuff in my blog. Aren't they sweet. I wish them an interesting life.

Mixed Bag

2005-09-25T10:44:00.000-04:00

I've gotten back from my trip and am so not ready to deal with the real world. lol However I've got to get things ready for Heather's wedding next week. So I'm already thinking on that. When I went to bed last night my mind was racing so fast I had trouble going to sleep and staying that way. I'm guessing my mind finally settled and I went to sleep and I slept hard. The only reason I woke when I did was my horoscope showed up on my phone and it buzzed waking me. This is part of a dream I had right before waking.

I was at a school though the place looked more like a small shopping area. It was also all girls but we were having a mixer I guess beecause there were guys there. The guys were jerks, seeming to think they were so important. The girls were snooty. They seem to think they were important people too. They all had attitudes of being money. This other girl and I walked into this game room and they only had a table in there. The guys were acting a bit strange. Like something was going on they didn't want us to know about. They were throwing this disks lik things on the table and the game was something about getting the disks to stay on the table. These disks were suppose to be balls but they looked like disks. None of them were getting their to stay on the table. The other girl said let's play Mouse Trap. I said ok but thought it was a little odd. The guys agreed but still they acted like something was going on that I didn't know. So she grabbed the board and set it on the table. It seemed like she was setting it up yet it created it's self. What actually developed was a small stair case, extremely small. Then the idea was to drop a ball on the stair case which it would go down and set off the traps if you messed up, if not then it was ok. The balls that were dropped were really smaller than they should have been but I remember saying that they were to scale with the staircase. We were playing and something happened and the girl started acting weird. She became agressive and was trying to start trouble. I pushed her out of the front door and told her she wasn't going to be allowed to act that way. She tried coming back in and I would hold my hand up and say no or I would push her back. She was becoming more aggressive and I hit her a couple of times. Something I've never done before. Even in my dream I felt bad about doing so. She stormed off and I went back inside. A little time went by and I knew she was up to something. I stepped outside and saw her down at the daycare center telling the woman there that she was this childs mother. She was not the child's mother and she was trying to get the child to hurt the mother. I told the woman that she was not the child's mother. Something I really noticed at this time was that all the women were perfect. Absolutely perfect. Their hair, makeup and clothes. Everything about them. I thought this was very strange. The woman trying to get the child was in a bridal gown and had her veil on though it was not covering her face.

There was more on the front end of this dream but it took place in a store but all these same women were involved.

*****************

I'm so excitd about going to Heather's wedding. I get to see Bella, Heather (for the first time), Pixie and Dirk, and Shonna. I think that's all the Grover's that are going to be there. I can't wait to see them all. It will be my first time in Colorado also. I'm very excited about that too.

*****************

I have strange thoughts running through my head that I can't get hold of. I feel them but couldn't tell you what they are, that is why I say strange thoughts. Sometimes I feel like something is missing in my life. At times I don't notice it. usually I feel it when I have quiet time. That's when I can just sit and let my thoughts go. I guess one of the problems about times like that are that I don't know how valid these feelings are. Valid probably isn't the correct word but I wonder if I feel this way because I can get down so easily. Not that life is bad or anything.

*****************

I got home from my trip all in one piece. No problems finding gas for the car or ny problems on the road, which is good. I enjoyed my time just wished there had been more time. It was needed, this trip. Time to get away from here and relax.

*****************

No there are no deep thoughts in m mind right now. Though I do wish that I knew more of where my life was headed than I know now. Maybe that's the part of life that is the adventure.

Gods, Goddess, or Us

2005-09-20T09:14:00.000-04:00

I realized something yesterday. While I was out feeding the fish my mind was racing. Moving around as quickly as the fish were. The whole time I was out there my mind raced. It thought of things I need to do before Tuesday night, things I need to take with me, things going on online, my dad, Tom's stupidity, the yard work that needs to be done, should I wash my car or not, definitely needs vaccumming. All these thoughts in a matter of seconds and they kept moving in my mind. In the background I could hear the waterfalls and the fish eating. Yes they are noisey. The dogs were running around the yard, butterflies all over the place and my mind raced.

My mind actually grabbed a thought that didn't seem like anything would come of it. When I went to bed though, it decided now was when I should explore it. I was too tired and my eyes hurt too much to write it down or even turn the computer back on. This however was what the thought was.

I thought about the discussion that was happening about time. How some saw it and others took a more scientific approach. I realized why I wasn't getting myself involved in that thread. I know that time is not linear. How you say? I have no proof, but I know what I feel inside. So at this time I know it is, say spiral. The point is all the science in the world does not mean it's the way things are. Those things are only what science has found. They know there is more but they don't know how to "prove" it. It seems that a lot of scientist need proof to believe in anything. Funny thing though, do you think atoms needed science to prove they exist? Some things just are. We don't have proof that there is a God/dess. Heck even seeing "diety" could be said a trick of the mind. One night after having just moved into this house in a dream I found myself in complete darkness. Not a scary darkness just darkness. I remember looking around and wondering where I was. There off a little ways in front of me a woman started appearing. I watched as she approached me. I was afraid of her not did I wonder what she was doing here and who she was. She stopped in front of me and smile this incredible smile. She said Inanna and then I woke. It took me a while to find much on her. Did I have an encounter with the Goddess Inanna? Or did I have an encounter with my higherself? *grins*

What is a miracle? Nothing more than something we never thought could happen. People who are healed through touch or going to a sacred place. It's about their belief that they will be healed. They have so much to do with it themselves. Then you ask why doesn't everyone just heal themselves? That is where our beliefs come in. I don't believe that very many people believe they have any say in it. They are here and everything is out of their hands. God gave them this sickness because *insert reason of the day*. So in their belief, if God saw fit to curse them with the disease then they deserve it. I've always had a bit of a different out look on God than those who were around me. It never occurred to me that God did these things to me. It was just things that happened. Now I'll admit that, for example when Sassy almost died so many years ago, I promised God anything and everything if he would let her live. It wasn't that I blamed him but he can heal so why wouldn't he care about Sassy? *grins* I don't feel silly about having done that because it was like a prayer. The vet didn't think she'd make it through the night. She did and was only sick twice in all those years. It wasn't because I asked God to step in that she was healthy, is had to do with her make up and me will. I like to think it was our combined will to stay together that did so.

Why did we need to give diety a name? I guess we needed to be able to discuss diety and it came about. I have no idea. The Gods and Goddesses are known by many names but are they all the same God and Goddess? Is there both a God and a Goddess? Or is there only one with two faces? These are questions that will be different for all of us. We may agree on some points with each other but still we will find that there are little differences.

None of the above matters to anyone but me, see these are the things that make me grow. To question, to find my truth out there with some many other peoples truth bumping against mine.

Happy Birthday Daddy

2005-09-17T21:31:00.000-04:00

Today the 17th is dad's 75th birthday. Me and the boys went up to see him. Guy and his family came up also. Dad of course had to be gross like he always does when he wants attention. It was kind of funny because he started talking bad about Tom and mom kicked him under the table. Dad was so funny he looked at her and said why'd you kick me?! lol We all giggled.

He looked better than he has in a while. He was cranky and complained that the Braves sucked this year. He complained the whole time he and the boys watched the game. lol I'm not real sure why he didn't just change the station. OH, mom was telling me that he got all pissy with her because his buttermilk was on a shelf in the refrigerator behind some other stuff. I told her she should just tell him he's lucky it was in the fridge at all. He had Red Velvet for a birthday cake. I have to laugh because he says he doesn't like really sweet stuff but Red Velvet isn't one of those unsweet cakes. lol So things are back to usual for him.

I hope that he lets himself have good days in the time he does have left.

Bright Spot

2005-09-16T13:20:00.000-04:00

Ok there will always be a lot of bright spots in my life because that's what I choose to have. HOWEVER, I'm bouncing and excited... I get to take a trip to NC to meet up with my man... I don't like that possessive term of my but I'm not sharing his name so that will... no wait... I'll call him Magic Man... You know like in the song? :-D

Yes I'm tickled and so looking forward to seeing him and spending time with him. Really nice fella and I enjoy spending time with him.

You know thinking further on those possessive terms I spoke of earlier... I don't think I like any of them. The reason why is nothing is forever, not when it comes to love. I don't mean that love doesn't matter it's just people change and grow. Someone needs to find the incarnate of the person who said people should get married and kick them really hard in the shins. lol

How am I expected to work while I'm all excited like this?!

Ok, I'm going back to bouncing like a crazy person...

It's Only Words

2005-09-15T17:27:00.000-04:00

You know I've been thinking about language or maybe I should say words.

The meanings of words can be so easily misinterrupted. One simply word can mean one thing to the person who speaks it and something completely different to the person who heard it. I think there are times when I hear more than in intended and I'm sure others do also. I've had days where I take things completely wrong or everything I say is completely wrong. That was one of the problems with Tom and I. No matter what i said he took it differently than I meant it.

I'm not sure how signals get crossed and confused and misinterrupted but if I wasn't such a jabber jaws I'd take a vow of silence. At some point, sometime in my life I will be able to be understood. I won't have to worry about saying something and having it taken wrong or misunderstood. I think I shall be quiet for a while cause I don't want to be misunderstood anymore.

Probably the only thing in my blog will be things that are simply for me, myself and I. At least i know I won't misunderstand myself.

This That and the Other

2005-09-15T08:33:00.000-04:00

In the past I've noticed the way people react to different things that are said. There are things that set them off and you can see they are ready to fight over some strange things. You know, their triggers. Most of the time there isn't much that sets me off to where I will post to a general public. Close friends is one thing but general is a different story.

At one point something that was bashing men was posted. Now normally on the list this happened on we just laughed and someone would post another funny. It would usually be something bashing women. It was all done in fun. Well this happened not long ago and this one woman just went off the deep end about the one bashing women, where she thought the one about men was funny. The man who posted to one about women did so to make a point and he made it well. She enjoyed one about men bashing but turn the tables and she couldn't handle it. I know you wonder where I'm going with this. The point is triggers. We all have them and a lot of the time I don't think we are aware of what they are. We go through life feeling fine and then wham someone hits us with one and we have a knee jerk reaction instead of thinking about why we are feeling this way.

One I have is injustice but not injustice as some of it just seems to big to do anything about. Another when someone doesn't trust my word. If I promise something then I've promised. I feel the anger build inside me when it's questioned. I try to understand their side of things but if we talked about it and I said I promise then that's that to me. I've also found that being forced to do something makes me rebel really bad. It really doesn't matter what it is I just don't like being forced to. I'm more than likely to stay quiet about all these things because once you've said something you can never take it back. So I wind up not saying anything and seething inside over it. I let it build and build. I'm sure there is a healthy way to handle it but each one always seems like it would hurt someone else. You know thats actually a weird out look on it. I would rather hurt myself than someone else? I'm not talking about intentional hurts like telling someone they are a dumbass. I could see where being up front has it's good points.

I'll write more in a few minutes... I've got to get to the office.

Made it to the office only to found out that now spammers are hitting Blogger? Good grief what dickheads.

I think one of the reason I don't tell people stuff up front is that by the time I get to that point I'm usually pissed off and really shouldn't speak to anyone. Plus I always feel it will only inflame a situation. So why do it, ya know? I'm afraid that what would actually come out of my mouth would be a fuck off.

A while back I had written about men that I would never date again. Well really it's the sun sign. lol I decided when I first wrote it that I would revisit my thoughts on those signs. Well the first guy who ever broken my heart was another Cancer. Found another one later and he kind of did the same thing. My fault for letting it happen. So Cancers are still out. Then there is Tom, Scorpio. Things felt like they were getting better with he and I that he was starting to understand he didn't have control anymore. Well, that went down hill. So I will never date a Scorpio. I can't take that intense back and forth they do. Then Gemini, while charming and sweet and loads of fun... They have two faces. Not that it means they are bad by any means. However I can't have the yes/no thing where it happens at the same time. You know things were much easier when I was young and didn't care. I do care now and honestly I wish I could go back to when things didn't sit so close within me.

Thinking on it it's sort of like then I didn't care about love as it had no meaning to me. It was a useless emotion that caused people a lot of pain. So why would I want it? Well somewhere along the way I started understanding it a bit. I can't say I understand a lot of it as it is one of those mysteries. lol There are times I would like to say that if I didn't have someone that I could love by a certain age then that'd be it. However life is interesting and when you say things like that it will through someone at you. It's like an experiement. They people in control watch you and when they see you struggle and regain your footing they throw something in to see how you will react. lol

I was reading a palmistry book several years back and they said on the side of your hand right below your pinky finger there are lines which indicate significant relation ships that will be in your life. I have two and both of these are deep lines. Kind of strange thinking that there could only be two significant relationships in your life. Maybe because it seems every person you are involved with on some level impact your life whether it be good or bad. I believe there is some that is indifferent that will help you somewhere along the way.

Sitting here and trying to understand some things is useless. I'm not use if it's because they don't really matter or I just don't really care.

More later... work calls.

I'm Bad

2005-09-14T16:40:00.000-04:00

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alt="General Electronic Organism Responsible for Galactic Infiltration and Assassination"
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Where to go

2005-09-12T17:43:00.000-04:00

Another day.... I spent all day becoming aquainted with the document scanner. It's pretty cool actually.

I'm better than yesterday but today feels sad. Oh well, life.

I have trouble understanding why the world has to be a place of such deceit and lies. Why there needs to be mistrust and hate. I don't want the hear that worn out line without the bad you can't know the good... What crap? So, what, are we saying that we can't grow and become more than we are now? We are stuck in the same level forever? I don't think so. I also think that by settling for this line we have already limited ourselves without even giving it a second thought. We've settled. I don't want to settle. I don't want to feel like there will never be growth in how we see others. I don't want to believe that we can continue to feel it's ok to settle. To settle for what we are told we should. Excuse me? We sit there and say things about how different we are. Our beliefs are different yet we still continue to limit ourselves with the same beliefs that we can't change things.

If you can't tell I'm tired of limits. I'm tired of settling. That is my life, I've settled way to long. I want to go, leave here but I don't know where I want to go.

2005-09-11T21:50:00.000-04:00

You know those days where things are going really good and then... yeah well there where I am right this second. The bad thing is I think I'm hurt more than anything. Which of course for me hurt is much worse than being pissed off. With anger you can justify feelings of hatred and about anything that can go along with it. When you are hurt, well, it's not as easy. I have thoughts up my sleeve as to how to react and if I find the things I said are true... well I'm thinking real hard on sending an email that will change his life forever. However if I do that then it would be a vengeful thing and I don't know if that's what I really NEED to do.

I swear... it's just one of those days. It really did start out good. I even was enjoying pulling weeds. lol I want to just leave right now. Of course that's my normal reaction to feeling this way. I can't wait to leave the end of this month but I also worry about it.

Hermit Days

2005-09-10T21:31:00.000-04:00

I was thinking on the movie Constantine and I started thinking... what if there is a hell as the Christians believe. A place where their evil/bad/whatever would put you in hell people. I've never thought of it before but wouldn't that just be another plane? Just like Summerlands/Heaven and such? Just another plane we move to. I got thinking on how the Christians are taught they would burn in eternity. Well, now since time is not as we think it, I would guess it would be the only word they could come up with. Eternity would not have the same meaning there as here.

And speaking of Time, how did that come about? Just they people noticed the sunrise and the sunset and decided that hey... time! I don't weird stuff is going through my mind right now. I feel like I'm moving into a time of the Hermit. Not in a bad way, not depression which usually puts me there but the need for it. Quiet time, reflective times. I've been staying away from the computer the past couple of days. It's felt good, though cleaning the house isn't fun I think I need the break. Heck being away from the house felt great. At this rate I may be taking more time away from both.

I really need to record a dream I had the other night. I forgot to the other day.

Surgery, extras hands, wine and horses

2005-09-05T10:59:00.000-04:00

This morning I slept in and my dream was odd.

In this dream Gay was having some kind of surgery done. She had Misaki (her new puppy) with her and I was going to watch her. I sure this was because I was talking with Gay not long before I went to bed. From this surgery she and I went to wander around. It seemed like we were at a place that would be holding a Pow Wow. The Native American folks were there setting stuff up. Of course they were just in average clothes. It seemed like Gay knew these people. We walked into this one room and the folks in their were selling bicycles. However no one was allowed to touch the bicycles just the people selling them. Since they knew Gay they let her in the room where the bikes were, she had to put on gloves to touch them though. So we were talking to the people and somehow we all wound up sitting with about 3 of them. I wound up under a blanket laying my head in this guys lap. It was like I knew him or something. He was holding me. Then there was a strange thing. He leaned over and kissed my cheek and he gripped hands. I looked down and noticed that he was holding his own hand. I laughed and he said that's not your hand? I laughed and said no. The reason it this weird was he held up his hands and there was one extra hand. That ended.

Then I was being driven down the road and turned unto this other road and I saw a bicyclist crash in the roadway. He didn't hit anything I saw but I saw him lose control and crash. There was another cyclist riding with him, he looked back but kept going. Another man who seemed to be standing in the road went to his aid. The guy that crashed wasn't moving. I tried to get the driver to stop so we could help, but they didn't. I said I have to at least call 911. When I called this woman said they already knew. She wasn't very friendly either. All of this dream took place at night time in the dream.

Then I was at this place with these people. It was a man and woman. It seemed like I was living or staying at their house. These people came into my space which seemed a little weird but it was their place so I didn't say anything. The man went off with some guy that was there with me. I never saw the guy or the husband. The wife was walking around and I was following her, we were talking. She picked up this huge glass container that had wine in it. The mouth of this container was very wide and flat where the liquid should come out all the way across. It was about two feet wide. The wife lifted the container and took a drink. I expected the wine to go all over the place but it didn't. It simply went into her mouth. She took a couple of drinks and then offer me a drink. I lifted the container and was afraid it would pour all over me. It didn't though, not one drop. One thing that stood out is I don't remember any liquid in my mouth. She drove me somewhere and I saw some horses. I noticed that one was very skinny horse and I got upset and said that I was not going to stand by and watch the horses starve. She said fine but she was going. I got out of the car but the paint horse that had ben so skinny wasn't skinny anymore. I went to the barn to check the other horses out. There were some skinny ones but there were others who were having boredom problems. They weren't being taken out of their stalls. I walked around with a notebook taking notes. I saw one horses standing out in the rain still saddled but he was in a open stall. I walked around there and this cowboy came over real quick saying he just put him in there for a moment. I was going to explain that I didn't own the place but just smiled and walked on. I came to a large open stall that had 3 horses tied in it. The first horse was tied properly. The next horse was tied with a rope around his flanks. This horse moved forward and the rope tightened around his flanks and he started bucking. I was saying whoa to him and trying to make him stop. He kicked out and his rear feet with through the boards and were stuck. I got him to stop thrashing and asked for a knife to cut him loose with. The person didn't want to have the horse cut loose so held the knife behind me a bit so I couldn't. I finally got the knife and cut the rope. Then I woke up.

Dreams Remembered

2005-09-03T09:17:00.000-04:00

When I went to bed last night I was tired and ready to sleep. So what should happen when my head hit the pillow? I remembered my dream from Thursday night. I needed to record it was I wrote it down.

Thursday Night Dream 9/1/2005

I remember a place that was a house behind a house. This second place was old. There was even a cemetary there. Only a few graves that I could see. The people in the first house were rich and owned all this area.

Actually there were several buildings on this property. The people didn't speak to me in the dream but I knew that they were fixing each building up (restoring) when they had the money too. There was a walking path amoung these buildings. Some had been restored and were nice. You could see where the restoration ended. I got to the first one that hadn't been restored and then I found myself on a dirt path. Behind this building was a field. In this field there were things almost like clothes line traps. There were also 2 small children. They were the pour peoples kids. They told me their daddy was working on the van. I looked around and saw a faded red van with a couple of windows missing. I didn't see their dad around so I asked where he was. They just shrugged their shoulders. So we played together for a bit. We were running around, up and down the terraced field. Someone called out and they were gone. Then other people showed up, friends of mine and then my car wouldn't start. After this there was just us trying to get the car running. I just don't remember it clearly.

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Now last night I woke up 4 different times and can tell you I'm tired this morning. I was able to record the first dream as the others either faded when I woke or something.

Friday Night Dream 9/2/2005

I was in an elevator that was huge. It was probably 20' x 20' and glass. There were a few women in the elevator with me and then a man appeared in the back. Dark haired man, quiet, watchful, and he made me nervous. When the doors opened the dream shifted.

Michael and I were sitting in the living rom watching tv. I was nervous about someone breaking in the house so I was ready to shoot. I had my gun half cocked. I kept watching the hallway that led to the side door and there is a set of stairs going down to the basement. I kept thinking that someone may come up from there. As we were sitting here I heard my dad's voice. I didn't know what he said but was surprised to here his voice. I listened and heard him again. This time I heard what he said plus he came around the corner so I could see him. He didn't look like himself but it was his voice. He kept looking down the steps like he thought he saw something and that made me nervous. Then he said "You have those ole Schlage locks on your doors like I have on my garage". He kept looking down the steps like he could see movement cause he kept moving his head trying to get clearer sight. I said what the heck are you doing here? I was so surprised bcause mom wasn't with him and he seemed so strong. As he came towards me an old white haired man came up the steps and the must have merged or something. I remember seeing him walk right next to dad and then he was gone. When dad started towards me he said he wanted to see me. He came and gave me a big hug and then sat down next to me. I said i know. I was worried about the old man and where he went. There was a telepathic message between my dad and I . He said it was ok he wouldn't bother me. At this point dads appearance changed. He went from normal and healthy looking to a bag of bone. His skin hung on his bones which could be seen through his skin. He was hunched over. I got him to sit next to me and I was so happy he was there. I wanted him to know that I had been coming to visit him every night but astral travel. I wanted him to know I had been watching over him. So, I started to tell him and tears welled up in his eyes and he said I don't want anyone to see me like this. I was trying to tell him it was ok not to worry, it didn't matter as it was only Michael and I. Then he started slouching really low on the sofa and began to cry in ernst. I turned and pulled him into my arms. Then I woke.

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I have to say the last dream left me afraid.

Katrina

2005-09-01T16:54:00.000-04:00

Very sad stuff this hurricane Katrina did. All the people displaced and the dead. The people waiting to be rescued from house tops and etc. Then people shooting at the rescuers. *sighs* This is ridiculous. Looters stealing non-essential stuff. I can't say I'd call someone taking food from stores as looters. They have to survive. Heck even taking medical stuff from a drug store or other stores, those are necessary things.

I have trouble believing that people feel they have the "right" to loot stores. Notice I show a difference between looting and taking. What's with the car jackings? I guess that is ok too... It's time for them to take the city back.

Row 1

2005-08-31T08:21:00.000-04:00

I went with a couple of people to this place. It was a gathering of people, almost like a very large company having a get together for their employees. I was the one that not all knew. The way this place was set up was there were three rows facing another row. The single one was like businesses, stores of some kind and down towards the end was where I found out the horses were. This was off to the right as we faced it.

In this place I noticed many different styles of clothing on the people. What I mean is like through time. We were in the back row and having a good time with all the people around. It seems like it was a party because I remember people drinking too much but having a good time. I saw people riding horses around. Some raced around and some just riding. Off 90 degrees to the right was a road that I saw people riding on and some were standing and talking. I was walking around talking to people. Drinking a little I was going to find a horse to ride. As I went through the rows it occurred to me that it was set up this way because each row paid a different price. The row closes paid the most money. Also some of these seemed to be up, like on a pedestal.

I wandered off to find the barn which I did without any trouble. There was a grey haired lady in there and for some reason I got Hungarian stuck in my mind when I met her. The horses weren't big fat horses but tall and thin. Anyway so I'm in the barn and tell this lady that i'd like to ride. She smiles and is talking to me but I don't remember anything she said. She walked me to a stall where a pony was, a nice looking pony but a pony none the less. Then she wandered off to another stall and got that one out. This pony was smaller than the first one she showed me. I said I can't ride that pony. It's too small. She said something but I don't know what. I explained to her that I would not ride a pony. I wandered off from here and found myself walking past Arnold Schwartzneggar (sp) He was sitting up on this chair that was like a throne. He was chattering away to people and I walked past him and then turned around and apologized for bothering him. I asked if I could ask him a question. He said sure. So I started asking him something, seem to be about whether he took steroids when he was competing. I have no clue what his answer was because as he started talking to me someone walked by and he just ignored me and talked with them. I was annoyed and thought he was rude. So I wandered off again walking through the rows and back to the one where I was. One of my friends could hardly talk he had drank some much. I remember how slurred his words were. We were all having a good time though.

Why is gender important?

2005-08-30T20:51:00.000-04:00

I feel a slight panick inside of me. It's not bad though, it's not anything to do with feeling something is going to happen. It's more important than that.

I don't want to call it a crises of faith because it's not. At least I don't think it is. I'm questioning things though. What's the need of God and Goddess? I feel like there is cause to question this. I know that for others there may not be but guess what? This is about me and no one else. I think maybe this goes back to my posting about Spirit being genderless. See today I was going through some files and came across some stuff that spoke of God/dess and it hit me that it felt wrong. I thought maybe it was just what I was reading that made me feel this way. I continued on in the file and ran across something else. I still had the same feeling. So I sat and thought about it for a moment and it came to me it isn't about what I was reading at all. I'm questioning assigning gender to spirit. How can we? I know I always feel like I need to say he or she but it's because it would be like talking about a person. You wouldn't want to use their name everytime you spoke of them in a conversation. Now however I've been having trouble saying he or she... I'm not sure what to say, how to refer to him/her.

It's interesting how things can change in a split second. Ok, so maybe it's been longer than that but it was only today that it really hit me. As I've said before religion is not something for me but I know I'm a spiritual person. I feel a guilt for not wanting to call on the God and Goddess. I think it's like abandoning an old belief. I don't give up things that I've believed in easily. it's like giving up your favorite blanket. Giving up that comfortable place you've been in.

Unity and Duality

2005-08-29T12:47:00.000-04:00

Yesterday my sister called me and asked if I could come sit at the dentist office for a couple of hours while she was having some dental surgery done. I said sure I'd just bring a book to read. This morning I'm getting ready, can't find my keys, start to panic and then settle enough to remember where they were. I get to the office and open my book and this is where this story begins.

Wheels of Life by Anodea Judith

I've had this book for a couple years or more and have just picked it up again to read. Since I've been working on healing the fibroids in my uterus I started working on the second chakra. As I started reading it became clear to me that the chakra system parallels my progressions through all my live as I see it.

You see I believe we start out with a oneness that I am with spirit. Then I search and try to learn and separate some what from spirit. However I'm striving to get back to the oneness that I know is right. The chakra system works the same way. The first chakra is of unity and the second of duality. From there it works it's way back to unity again. That is what I believe I am doing. Though honestly I know that the saying of "I am one with the Universe" is correct and I feel that I am. There is still so much that I have to learn in order to regain that oneness with spirit. The things is this isn't learning as in books but a spiritual learning that I will have to live. Plus I have to learn to trust myself, and what I know to be true.

I've noticed there are a lot of parallels in the world. This is just one that has caught my attention.

Thoughts

2005-08-28T13:02:00.000-04:00

A lot of stuff is floating in my mind lately. Things that are bothering me. The feeling that the country is going to hell. That we are going to have another civil war soon. That we will see our own soldiers acting against us. I also feel like we will have those that won't act against us. I feel sad for our country, it's not a party line thing either. I could care less about party lines, they have nothing to do with whose right or wrong.

This morning I was washing some dishes up when something outside caught my eye. I felt like I drifted away for a moment. In that moment all I could feel was nothing will ever be the same and a sadness filled me. The feeling was so deep and such a lonely feeling. A feeling of resignation.

I wish I could access this feelings more to find out if they are true or not. Of course I'd rather it not be true but that doesn't mean it is or will be. It could be a fear of mine. How am I to know what is and what isn't? I know about trusting my instincts but I have to say that I don't want to put the energy out there. What I'm talking about is the energy that says these things are going to happen. We talk about sending energy all the time, but whose to say that believing a civil war is going to happen here isn't sening out energy? Then if you add the other people who believe that, it gets pretty strong. Then lets say other people believe what you tell them and now their energy is added. It sounds like vicsious circle. I don't know maybe I'm thinking on this and there is nothing to it.

With all the talk above you probably think I'm having a bad day. I'm not, not at all. Nice day in fact. Getting the laundry room cleaned up. It has looked like a tornado hit for the past 6 months or so. Yesterday I did one of my book shelves. It looks so much better.

Today I feel nervous and I'm not sure why. There is so much I need to do but I have no desire to do it. To keep cleaning is what i need to do. I think I'll go sit by the pond for awhile.

Pixie's Cabin

2005-08-28T12:43:00.000-04:00

Last night I had strange dreams but I woke in the middle of those dreams and had one of those brilliant thoughts. However, since I didn't bother writing it down I don't remember it. It was good though.

The last dream I had was I was visiting, sort of like a road trip. There were several houses all very close together that we were going between. We went into this one house and had fun with the people there and then Pixie said let's go back to my house. So they all left before me. I remember looking out the window at Pixie's house and could see in their windows. Now all of these houses weren't like what we are in now, these were all cabins. I watched them all in Pixie's house having fun. She had christmas lights up and it was so cute. I remember looking out and smiling thinking what a fun loving person Pixie is. Dirk was there too. :-)

Oh well, maybe another day.

Time is on my side

2005-08-27T17:05:00.000-04:00

"There is always something happening. People don't always see it or understand it.... or accept it."

Above is a quote from the movie Fallen with Denzel Washington. Denzel's character is a police officer and he has been on a case of a killer who taunted him with clues. He gets the guy and finds out that this guy really isn't a guy but a demon name Azazel who possesses people and commits murders. Anyway that quote has me thinking today.

How much truth is in that statement is amazing. I'm not just talking on a metaphysical level either. We have contact with people everyday that we may not even notice. I think sometimes it's that we don't want to see. There are things that people tell us that we don't want to hear. Maybe not hear so much as accept. These things that we chose not to see, understand or accept can be simple to absolutely shattering to us. That is why we don't. We get in a comfortable place and some people refuse to move from it. Some people refuse to see because they fear where it may lead them. It could lead them away from that familar territory that keeps them safe. It could make them a mark for people who fear change. It could change their whole world.

If we accept that there are other dimensions beside our own you are branded crazy. Well except in some circle of people. What if someone came up to you and said, last night while I was out enjoying the night sky I saw a space ship. Not only that but they came down and made contact with me. How would you react? It's a hard call to say how you would respond. If someone said they saw a ghost you'd probably be able to accept that. What if someone said that God/dess had spoken directly to them, just as if someone had been standing in front of them. Would you think they were nuts?

I've come to realize that though I've felt like I was pretty open to many things I still held/hold onto some old programming. Yep, there is still programming left in my brain that my parents put there. I guess I was lucky in the fact that my parents believed in UFO's, spirits and such but still they had put limits on it for me. The interesting thing is I've believed that there was more out there than my parents spoke of. You know seeing some of the sci fi movies and stuff, there were things that made me go you know I think there is something to this. You know I had a little harder time accepting that there were demon possessions than I had with believing that demon were around? I think it was a part of me that early on associated possession with Christianity and I never believed in Christianity. I remember as a child the few times that I went to church thinking the preacher had it wrong. I would hear an inner voice telling me this and then I'd just go to sleep to avoid hearing anything else he said. Keep in mind I'm not saying that Christianity is wrong but it is not right for me. I feel like there is probably some really cool stuff in the Bible but I'm not sure I want to emerse myself that deep into it. I think the problem comes in where a person tried to put into words something they really couldn't understand. Then along the way people changed things because it was in their best interest. It all has to do with what we put into it. Our thoughts, our belief and our acceptance.

Rain

2005-08-27T10:01:00.000-04:00

This dream was very long and involved but this was odd.

It was dark and I was wandering around out between the houses and such. I went into the dark, really no shaped building. By that I mean the building was simply a square shape but the top lines were all rounded. I went into the building and was all excited because someone had told me that this was a rain building. What that meant was that the building had walls that had water running in them like raining running down the glass. So it came on and I stood in the center and smiled when I heard the sound of raining falling on a tin roof. I was enjoying it so much when rain actually started inside the building. I was drenched in just a few seconds. A spun and around with my arms out stretched and laughed. I ran my hands over my head and felt how wet my hair was. I left and then I was doing other things, not sure what. A friend of mine came along and I told her I thought she would enjoy this building so I took her there. The water slowly began to run down the windows as it was first turned on and then the sound of rain falling on the roof. However this time the rain did not fall inside the building. I told her to think how nice it'd be to sit there reading and listening to the sound of the rain. She smiled and seemed to like it but not as much as I did.

If I can remember more of this dream I'll record it.

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This dream happened Thursday night.

I was traveling with a friend of mine and we were driving on the interstate to some place. She pulled off and said I hope you don't mind but I need to stop for the night. I said sure and she said there was someone we could stay with. We pulled up to an odd building. It was like a gypsy trailer that had permanently placed. It was old, I could feel that. We went inside and were welcomed by the people living there. There were lot of them in this small area. I was left with this man and I knew him, or I should say I had met him several times. He didn't speak to me he just sat there. So I spoke up and mentioned that I had met him several times. He turned his head slowly towards me and said so, then turned away. I was hurt by that because of his attitude. I found out that my friend stopped here to see a man she was interested in.